I lost a friend due to my depression.

[Pelayn]

Hi.

About 4 months ago i had a depression relapse after managing pretty well on medication for about 4 years. This time i had a close friend to help me through. Unfortunately just last week this friend pulled away and said she needed to take a step back and put herself first.

I Thought i had found a friend who understood my condition and how i was working through things with my therapist. I guess i was wrong. She always sounded so supportive but i saw the signs a while back and my therapist convinced me it was in my head.

Had anyone had similar experiences? What did you do?

[Wednesday]

Hi Pelayn,

It's sad to lose friends. It sounds like she was struggling too and you read the signs accurately. She probably gave as much as she could but had to look after herself as she said. I'm sure you understand that too.

I had a friend who was going through a log distance romance / breakup, while I was seriously depressed. She rang every night to tell me her story. I didn't talk about what was happening to me. One night I said, I'm sorry but I cant do this anymore. She was furious with me for not caring about her. We kept in touch but I needed space. She has brought it up since and I still haven't explained. We have a couple of plane flights away from each other so it's not an issue. I also think this relationship had served it;s course. Some relationships last a snort time some a lifetime. So you can see I may not be really good at this - being human is tough at times!

My story is different to yours, but I wonder what was happening in your friends life at the time? It may just be that she was tired or even overwhelmed by what she saw and felt overly responsible for you. Of course that is her responsibility to manage not yours Maybe she is suffering from anxiety or something that made it difficult for her to continue supporting you? What was your relationship like before, have you always been very close?

Maybe by her stepping back from your relationship is a good thing. She is not your therapist she is a friend, we can only lean so much on our friends, they have breaking point too.

When was the last time you just had fun together? Is it worth suggesting a movie or something where you try to keep the conversation light. No I don't mean pretend, more of I miss you and would love to catch up. I really appreciated your support while I was struggling. I'm feeling much better now, things are making more sense (I hope this is true). Do you feel like seeing x movie, I hear it is really funny. Then try to stay away from going over the old stuff. Make sure you ask her how she is going.

Which ever way this goes, you will be okay. Maybe you are just making spacing in your life for a new friend...

I hope this helps, good work on getting through the relapse.

Hugs.

[Pelayn]

Hi

Thanks for your reply. I can give a little more context if you like.

We've been friends for 7 years. She shared her experience with anxiety about 2 yeas ago so i decided to share my story. My depression was under control at this stage. I felt that brought us closer. She used to say she loved me and missed me and i was one of her closer friends. We saw each other every couple of months and messaged each other. Our families went on holiday together last year. we both have 2 kids 7 and under.

When i relapsed we were camping with her family and another family. I just broke down and cried. Over the last 4 months she didn't vist or call once. Just messages. Not what i would have expected knowing our relationship and that i am ill.

I didn't share the worst stuff with her and i shared the ups with her. We try and have coffee together but she is often too busy. the last time we met we talked about her work and career change and my work. I called her and it was more like old times but she still pulled back. I ask if her anxiety comes back but she says no.

I have other friends that i like being with but i havn't shared what i was going through until very recently, but no details. I only shared with my good friend 'cos she seemed like a very caring and supportive person. I am not looking to replace her.

We won't be seeing each other any time soon as we decided that would be best. Im comfortable with that now but still don't understand why.

This is where BB comes in. Its my new place to share things along with my husband and my therapist.

Thanks for 'listening'

[Wednesday]

Hi Pelayn,

Thanks for writing back. Yep BB is great there are lots of great people to chat to, so keep writing!

I'm sorry about your lost friend. My suspicion is that her anxiety isn't under control, it is really hard to control. My partner has anxiety, I don't think it ever goes away and makes his life (and mine too at times) really difficult. Maybe one day you'll find out, maybe not.

But what is great is that you have got on top of your relapse, which is pretty good work! I hope you are celebrating your success.

We can only be who we are. If your friend chooses to walk away there is nothing you can do, just know that you are being the best person you can be and it's her loss! Don't beat yourself, your time is far to precious.

Some people are in our lives for a reason, some for a season, some for a lifetime.

Hugs

[White_Rose]

Hello Julie

I'm sorry you are upset by your friend. My friend is having a rough time and has done so for over a year. It's only recently she finally broke down in a big way. I get teary phone calls and spend up to an hour and half talking to her at any one time. She is my friend and has very few resources.

Last week was quite hectic, as weeks can be. I received three messages on answer machine, all very weepy and distressed and I could not get back to her quickly. I felt quite mean about this, but I had various things to do with appointment times etc, not the least a visit to the dentist (Oh joy).

By the time I was home I was too exhausted to talk to anyone. When I felt rested enough I phoned but said up front I was tired so this was a short call. I learned this from my psych who used to phone me on occasions when I was in a complete mess.

Sometimes I finish after 30 minutes but often she keeps me talking longer. I know she is unhappy but I cannot be her only source of comfort and neither can I chat at times when I feel fragile. So at those times I don't return her call at all. I feel mean but I am no use if I am worn out emotionally.

I am not saying you are like my friend. I believe she is unique. I have not told her when I feel bad. Tired yes, as this is different. Yesterday I came as near as I have ever done to say don't phone me any more. I am giving myself a rest and will see her tomorrow when she meets at my home with a group of other ladies. Then I have their support and manage better.

You don't know why your friend is like this. Perhaps she cannot manage because something is troubling her. She may be a completely selfish person who cares for no one except herself. More probably she is somewhere in the middle of this continuum.

We talk to counsellors is because they are trained to manage the emotional overload we frail creatures dump on them. They keep boundaries round themselves, one of them being time limits for our consultations.

It may be simply that your friend has reached her limit of support but cannot find a way to say so or perhaps she does not have the insight to realise this and is acting on reflex, which hurts you.

This post is sent in love and compassion and I hope you can feel this. Let your friend go and if you meet in the future you may pick up where you left off. Meanwhile I suggest you send her a letter or card thanking her for all her help and patience in the past. Then if you meet is will be easier to talk.

Mary

[Music_Freak]

This is my life - I'm forever being put in the too hard pile. People often give up on me, so much so, that I've given up hope of ever having friends. That happens to everyone else.

I just have to mourn and move on and stand by and watch other people have them. It's hard as hell, sometimes

[Pelayn]

Thanks all.

I'm glad you found me over here Mary.

I didn't ever call my friend as i didn't want to be a bother. I would message her if i needed to communicate with someone. I only cried with her once or twice ever. So i don't feel like i leant on her too much. She didn't understand when i said i wanted her to visit or call when things were tough. I think we had different ideas about close friendship.

I guess I'll never know. Our last phone call ended with me in tears.

I sent her a message saying i was thinking of her and hoped she was ok. I don't expect a response.

I think im still grieving our friendship and finding it hard to move on. our last conversation is rolling around and around in my head. I know distraction is my best strategy and this is the best result in the long run.

Talking it through helps me.

🌼

[Pelayn]

Hi music freak.

My husband feels like you also but for different reasons. Hes given up on finding close friends. He has battled depression and anxiety over his life especially in high school. He doesn't have close friends cos he doesn't feel like they will understand him or see things the way he does. This makes him insecure so he doesn't get close to people.

I wish friendships were easier and didn't cause so much pain.

[Music_Freak]

I do too...

I was bullied in high school, so that screwed up things even more 😞

The thing is I was dumb enough to open myself up to my latest group of internet friends (that's all I have) so now I just feel so stupid. I was stupid enough to think "this time will be different"

Yeah, right...and hell will freeze over...

[Pelayn]

That really sux Music Freak....

I really hope you do find that friend. Don't give up.

It IS possible as my husband and i found each other and have been each others best friend ever since. He had to put up with some crazy stuff from me as i wasn't aware my 'schema' until years later but i also helped him out of his depression (although i didn't know it at the time).

Unfortunately we live and learn as i recently experienced.