The illness at it's worst. My memory

[Sharny]

I describe my heaviest time, the time when my illness was most severe. A time when full blown mania struck and lifted me to euphoria, a state in which I felt like I was touching clouds. An activation is how I remember, my senses reaching a level like never before. At the same time there was a fierceness to my being that is hard to accept. Suddenly, out of no where I feel forced by something, compelled to accomplish things in an absurd style, like an urgency but I don't understand who or what is pushing this urgency. Mental illness is pushing me, Manic depressive, Bipolar. I welcome guests into my home and entertain with a new baby on very little sleep, charged up and ready, ready for what though? At the time I never asked myself this, it was like my state wasn't apparent. I somehow know though to 'cover up' to people how little sleep I'm having with a new baby, cover up that I've been up most of the night inbetween feeds sorting out what I know later as unnecessary items in the fridge, cupboards, ferociously running about in a state. My euphoria keeps me feeling looked after, like the energy provides a wholesome state of being, it's beautiful in a sense. Little do I know the drop down from this height will be the biggest drop I've ever experienced.

I awake with feelings saturating me, feelings of absolute guilt. Guilt in extreme that I deserve punishment, I'm caught in my own brain and no one around me see's it. They see a new mum coping with a well looked after bub, impeccable house and clean washing. No one knows this mum is a tortured soul underneath. I go into the back yard and sit in the winter sun. I'm unable to wan't guests anymore, the once excited entertainer has lost her capability. I just want my baby boy and I and try will all my might to keep up appearances when people still visit. I'm compelled to wear the same pants, the same shirt, it's like the illness wont let me change them for days on end, something takes away my personal appearance. But as time goes by the clothing becomes a habit, some force keeps me. I have no energy, lethargy is like no other time in my life. I've become homebound, exhausted and trapped venturing out only to health visits.One day I decide to make the easiest dish, spaghetti for my husband and I. For some reason my brain can't cope. I cant put it together. Depressive side has won. My mind starts giving messages that I'm linked to fraud somehow. I start calling lawyers.

This illness, cruel.

[Fairywings]

Hi Sharny im venessa nice to meet y. Yes bipolar disorder will do this to y the mania will have y in the clouds for days on end and when u crash that is when you realize ur not mad ur crying out for help. I too suffer from bipolar disorder and boderline personality disorder. Ur right there is no in between its either we r manic or we r at rock bottom and the frustrating thing is sometimes it can shift within hrs not days. I am able to emphasize with you bc I understand how debilitating having bipolar is. Like many of us here we get it we know where u r coming from and what demons we r faced with every single day. I really love ur use of words to describe this monster in our head that doesn't allow us to do things we want to do simply bc we have no motivation or energy to engage. In no way do you deserve to be punished don't believe what the demons in ur head r telling you. Can you tell me if R u linked in with any gp or services or any meds? I think its a good option to explore given our lows from the highs we experience can be so hard to come out of. I'm medicated have been for almost 16 yrs without them don't do so well my episodes were multiple times a day to now being one or twice a mth. I hope my response has found u some comfort xx please keep in touch with us xx Venessa

[Sharny]

Hi Vanessa,

Lovely to meet you. Thanks for your response. I'm reflecting on a time 13 years ago when I suffered my worst manic episode. I had delusions with the manic episode. After I sought help with psychiatrist and was medicated for 3 years i choose natural therapies and lifestyle modifications being my choice to try and deal with Bipolar and some anxiety I had with it. At the moment I'm still natural therapy and in a much better place with my illness in terms of severity of symptoms compared to past symptoms I had experienced. Knowing where the illness had taken me before I'm conscious of it and that's why I can never forgot how bad it got. I've learned a lot about the illness both from experience and years gone by, just living.

Each person can feel illlness differently so it's always interesting hearing of other people and the struggle they face. I can go back to the psychiatrist at any time I wish, I also have a psychologist if I need talk therapy, offloading the stuff that comes secondary to managing an illness. At the moment I've lacked in some areas of my lifestyle and i'm feeling the pinch. Looking after an illness can be a combination of things all together and if I fail to do one of those things then I start to notice changes.You have had a long journey will the illness, sounds like you've found how to look after yourself.

Sharny.

[Fairywings]

Thanks for coming back to me yes it is such a long time but just like others on here i think its safe to say learning how to manage and self is an individual journey i still have my days where my demons rear their horns but they don't control me as much anymore xx I put myself in here bc I believe my experience can help others im also a youth worker worked in the field with yp for a number of yrs i guess i just love the work i do xx im happy you have found natural therapy in it working for u and yes u right it makes u very self aware so you know how to deal with the next occurance. That is great that you can access those supports at any time. Don't be too hard on urself about where u r atm its will makes us take 4 steps back and only 2 steps forward but the main thing is that we keep pushing forward that is how we become in control of it xx