When I had extreme mania, my state of mind reached another level. The experience of euphoria still leaves me stunned to this day. My mind was unhealthy but the extreme state was so clear, it bought such clarity, I thought I had everything figured out with precision. I'm lucky that I stayed safe, my turmoil stretched to ideas that were so illogical but I believed them. I've never had extreme mania again, I get hypo mania and can manage it, its not as extreme yet still difficult.
After this experience I found myself wanting to explore it with the psychiatrist over and again. I also saw the psychologist once a week just to tell her my inner thoughts, share and off load. I started to feel once the down came I became very rigid, very fixed along with new symptoms. I could not seem to or have the energy for grooming myself. I remember yelling in fury at myself in the mirror and just how desperate that state of being was, how the illness ripped at my being. I viewed myself unworthy, someone needing punishment and wondered if other people suffered to.
This forum is a wonderful place for people to off load, even if they feel compelled to share because mental health is isolating. When I was at my worst I looked like any other middle class woman in Melbourne and I still do. It makes me think, we pass people in our travels and never know their struggles if any. Society places stereotypes on certain mental illness through media etc but until you've gone through the illness it will never be exactly how they depict it. People can experience the illness differently as well. One of my main reasons for not opening up to people in my circles is because of threats to my immediate sense of dignity. Call me a pessimist but I do feel people label once they have knowledge of something. That's a shame because I know that there are lots of kind people out there but the risk to self and family is too great. Bipolar in media often gets shown as violent people, I know I'm not violent. My struggle is inner. I am aware of the desperation of the illness though. I remember searching shelves and book shops trying to identify with other peoples stories, support group seemed to hard, but I yearned to listen to others.
I've come a long way in terms of putting myself out there so to speak. 5 years ago I would never have shared any of my journey on a board like this.
Thank you for listening.
