Depression has destroyed my life

[Tired__Sad_and_alone]

My name is Kad and I have been diagnosed with major depression disorder with anxiety due to a long battle of work place stress and bullying treatment.

My life as I knew it has been totally destroyed and I have lost my desire to keep battling. I know friends, family and my doctors are trying to help but noone really knows the problems I am experiencing. When I try to explain what I am actually going through it is hard. I blame myself for where I am because I didn't have the courage to tackle my problems at the time. I chose to ignore it and push on as I am embarrassed that I have been too weak to manage it.

I am seeing a pshciatrist, pshcologist and my GP on a monthly basis but I leave with no real solutions just words. I know it is their job and they are trying but once I leave they don't think of me again until my next visit so its just like a vicious cycle and my depression is strangling me so tight I can't breathe.

It has been two years and i constantly think about my toxic work environment and what if I hadnt gone there or if I had left when the stresses of it all became to much. Now I have permanent scars that no one can see but they are so deep it hurts all the time.

I am so sad and alone all the time with no light at the end of my tunnel.

I don't know what benefit writing this has given me.

Bye

Kad​

[james1]

Hi Kad,

I am very sad to hear about your experience so far, but I am glad you've come here to talk to us about it.

I just wanted to say upfront that, if you ever feel like you want to talk to someone on the phone, beyondblue (1300 22 4636) and lifeline (13 11 14) are great resources and they have some very compassionate people on the phone.

It is good that you make an effort to get professional help but it worries me that you're not getting the support from them that you need. Have you tried seeing different doctors instead? Sometimes we don't really gel with our doctors. I think it's really important that you find someone who can give you good professional advice and strategies which you feel comfortable doing.

I know it sounds empty, but you're not alone in this. There are many wonderful people here on the forums who go through the internal pain that you've described, and they all want to help you. For myself, I'm also suffering from depression and I feel like you voiced my own thoughts perfectly when you said that you blame yourself for where you're at. I find it so easy to blame myself for being too weak to handle my own struggles, but that puts me in a worse mood. So I now spend my effort not trying to get better, but just avoiding feeling worse. The tunnel ahead is black for me, but the way back feels even darker, so I just plod on ahead.

You've done an amazing thing by coming here at all and that shows to me that you are strong willed. It may feel like writing hasn't benefited you, but think of it as laying the foundations of your health. The first few bricks don't look like much, but before you know it, you've got a house.

I'd love to hear back on how you go with your psychologist/psychiatrist/GP sessions. Do you have any coming up soon?

James

[Tired__Sad_and_alone]

Thank you James for taking the time to respond. I believe my doctors are all doing thier best to help but its me that is the problem. It is all too overwhelming to absorb the infomation. I am just not strong enough to cope.

I see my doctors all the time, I have never missed an appointment and I take my medication but I am at a stage where my condition has not improved enough and I am just so tired fighting and getting angry with myself everyday.

It further depresses me to think that this is how the rest of my life will be. I know that I am not strong enough to improve but the longer it goes the more people that are trying to help me I dissapoint.

I take each day minute by minute and the days are just so long and so difficult. When I go for my walks this does relieve some of my depressions but it is only temporary. By the end of each day any progress I have made is gone within 15 minutes and I revert back to my depressed feelings.

I and so tired of my life.

Kad

[james1]

Hi Kad,

I absolutely hear you on feeling like every little bit of progress comes crashing down by the end of the day. I've been through other periods of severe depression before this one, and each time I've gotten to that stage where nothing good ever seems to happen to me or I just can't feel good even in the face of a positive story.

I read a blog post somewhere about the rhetoric of talking about depression which I thought really interesting. You might find the idea helpful (if I can explain it right!).

Often we get caught up in the idea of "fighting" or "struggling against" depression, and either "beating it" or "losing the battle". However, that seems to imply that when we have depression, all it takes is effort to beat it. That is a very unhelpful thing to think, because it leads to feelings of failure when we get to the end of the day feeling worse/no better.

Instead, it's best to think of it as just experiencing depression. And that experience is basically looking ahead and seeing darkness and fog stretching out forever. Then looking back, and seeing endless darkness there too. What we think are our failings are just part of that darkness and fog, so it is no wonder that we don't feel good about ourselves. We can't.

So rather than trying to fight depression, I try to exist and function. When I'm late to work (most days of the week), I tell myself that it's okay, at least I got to work. If I don't go to work, I tell myself that it's okay, I can see if I can get to work tomorrow.

I'd suggest having a look at these two threads as well: Can't bring Myself to do Anything... and Replacing negative self talk with more useful thoughts. There's some great examples there of how people cope with all these negative thoughts you're having. And it's really hard to muster the energy to try them, but I hope you can draw energy from those stories.

Don't forget, depression isn't something you can just "beat" with effort. It's something you experience and no human being can just wave away darkness and fog. It's something we just have to drag ourselves through until we get out.

Please feel free to respond with your thoughts and feelings when you feel ready Kad. I'd love to hear more from you.

James

[geoff]

hello Kad, great to have a new member join us, just wish it was under better circumstances, never mind it's because we all have a joint union on how we are feeling.
I just wonder whether seeing a psychologist as well as a psychiatrist could be conflicting any ideas given back to you, I say this only because you may raise a point that one of them has said to say and then ask what the other thinks and if he/she doesn't agree then you are confused on what to do.
This could mix up your thoughts so you don't know what to think.
James has also raised some very good points, however in depression we have this feeling that we are never going to get better, we seemed to be tossed from corner to corner, ideas thrown at you from every angle, people telling you what you should do and what you shouldn't do, but how do you know what to do, well you don't and that's when you may think that by not trying to get better and just plod on as you are used to, and then try and avoid feeling worse, then you could stay on an even base, maybe, probably not, but this base is basement level if you know what I mean, but where you should be is not at the top level but a level where you feel comfortable.
Lots of mumbo jumbo I have said but the meaning is there, so it needs to be read a few times.
You can only get better in small changes by walking which relieves some of your depression, that's a start, because you have to remember someone suffering from depression has no self-esteem, no confidence with themself nor with their friends/family, so slowly bit by bit it begins your recovery.
Don't worry when or if you fall backwards, we all have many times, but each ocassion you build a little strength, something that you may not know about, but an outsider will pick up, like there have been many people who have come to this site, just like you, but after awhile their confidence has returned, so you can't be impatient, if you want to get better then this will happen.
Have a think about seeing both psych's. Geoff.