I just need to let it out

[zolaranium]

I'm not expecting anyone to read this, and not needing anyone to reply. I see a professional, I take my medication, I just really need a safe, anonymous place to let my feelings out. Here goes.  I'm 36. I've been battling depression since I was 15, and I think it's winning. I don't have any horrible stories, or shocking childhood events behind my depression, it's just always been there. I met my husband when I was 19, married at 24, and now we have 4 beautiful kids. And it's not enough to stop me from wanting to not exist. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to get dressed. I don't want to make meals, or do the washing, or clean the house. I just want to not wake up in the morning. I've been to several doctors. I've been on several medications - to the point where my current Dr has recommended I never go off them again. And it's just not working. I hate myself and I don't see that I'm worth putting any effort into. I don't understand what my friends possibly see in me that is worth liking. I'm the most useless mother on the planet, and I honestly feel sorry for my kids that they got stuck with me. My marriage is not great. I feel like my husband would rather be anywhere than here - and that must be my fault. I'm not good enough. And I get so angry with him - he's always working, he doesn't help me with any of the household chores, if I ask him to do something, his answer is always "sure" and then he never does it, and now I find myself not even bothering to ask for his help and then resenting him for making me do it all on my own. My ways of dealing with my feelings are eating, drinking and self harm - and I pretend to everyone else that I'm ok because I don't believe that they actually want to hear any of my problems. I think a lot about killing myself, but I know I'd never have the guts. I have some hobbies that, at times, I really enjoy doing, but then I look at the results and they are so rubbish that I wonder why I bothered in the first place. I just feel that everyone in my life would be better off without me - I wouldn't be screwing up my kids lives, my husband wouldn't have to put up with me, my friends would be able to spend time with others and not have to baby me and my stupid meltdowns. There is not one positive, useful thing I contribute...so honestly, what is the point of me?? I'm taking up valuable air and space and resources.. and I should just not.

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

 

[Chloekat84]

Hello  zolaranium. Please dont feel like that. You arent worthless and worth living for yourself ad others. Sounds like they dont understand what you are going through. Plz dont harm urself in any way. If you feel like you are goin to please call lifeline and talk it throuh with them.I feel ur pain of bein on ur own. Its like ur family have just had enough and dont care anymore. I know i get that. Please feel free to vent on here if u need to. We are here to listen and give advice, not judge. Take care x

[white knight]

Hi Chloeat84

Welcome and glad you vented. Feels better eh. In fact I come on here regularly to listen to others vent, then reply hoping it helps them.

I dont know what it would feel like not to have that spark in my life, adrenalin, excitement from various things that enthuse me.  I have a motorcycle to give me that buzz. Some parachute, some merely enjoy their child for the same glow it gives them. Some where you havent generated that feeling in my view.

So my advice, would be to consider this. Perhaps try something out of this world- ballooning? horse riding, camping? etc. Create that spark.  cyber hug

[Chloekat84]

Hello White Knight how r u? Not much has changed on this side of things its a bit like roundhog day everyday while i feel like this. But just venting and chatting on this forum helps. Ive been pretty busy looking after my daughter as shes sick, got a virus. SO im the carer atm. Still waiting to hear from my psychiatrist or something about it from my doc. My doc has done everything he can its up to them now and they are taking their sweet ass time. Its soo annoying as i want to get better and see sum1. Hows your day/week been? Good i hope. Well thats it for now. Take care x

[AGrace]

Hi Zolaranium,

I've just noticed your post and wanted to check in with you. How does it feel to have let it all out? 

I hope you find the forums a safe place to vent and I have no doubt that others will read and respond to your posts. 

It sounds like you're in a really dark place right now, and have been struggling for some time. When did you receive your diagnosis of depression? Has anyone ever looked into other possibilities? I'm not here to diagnose you, however your symptoms sound a lot like Borderline Personality Disorder. I wondered whether you have ever been tested for this? (worthwhile googling)

I hear what you're saying in terms of your husband not wanting to be around you or help you. I wonder if this stems from fear? It can be difficult for our loved ones when they don't know what to do to help us, so often they resolve to do nothing because they feel this is safer. It sounds like you might struggle to explain how you feel,  which is natural, but can lead to not getting what you need. Has your husband been to any of your therapy sessions with you? This could be worthwhile. 

Regarding friends, I don't think we need to know why they like us,  but I understand that you find it challenging to accept that yours do. It can often be the case when we can't see our own self worth. Sometimes having friends can be useful. They often want to help but don't know how, so they tend to be open to us delegating tasks that make them feel like they're contributing. When I recently got out of hospital I actually had friends come and do some cleaning and washing for me. They were only too happy to help. Is this something you could consider? It might take a bit of pressure off you.

I know you mentioned that you've been getting professional support, are you seeing a Psychiatrist? If you don't feel the medication is working there's probably not much point staying on it. There are 1000s of antidepressants and anti psychotics that you can try before giving up on these. Has your Dr ever referred you to a group outpatient program? It can be helpful to be around others who have shared experiences. Have you had a hospital admission before? Is this something you would consider? Sometimes 24hr support can be the best technique to help us overcome crisis periods. 

I think I've probably surpassed the 20 questions, so I'll leave it for you to respond. We are always here, and in times of acute need please contact Beyondblue, Lifeline, or 000. 

AGrace