I'm scared of being sick

[daisy_rose]

Hello everyone, this is my first time posting and it's really my first step towards actually trying to get help.

When I was 15 I went to see a councillor but

I was scared of being told I was crazy so I lied about how I felt. Then I saw a psychologist when I was 17 and when I got there I started to leave out a lot of things, like when she asked if I ever had suicidal thoughts I just said no, even though I think about killing myself every day. I was, and am, just so scared of being told there is something wrong with me. Then early last year I tried again to get help. I was open with my psychologist, she told me I had depression and anxiety but after every session I would go home and hurt myself because I felt like such a loser, so I stopped going. I just so desperately want to wake up tomorrow and stop feeling and thinking these things. I think each day that passes I feel myself getting worse and worse.. I'm starting to go into hazes where I don't even feel like I exist and I feel like I can't move my body. 

I know I have to get help but

I' m scared of it all being real. I want to stop feeling these things, and I want to feel normal. I realise now that I'll never just wake up and all this be gone, so I know I have to get help. I wanted to ask if anyone has any advice on how I should go about seeking help? And also does anyone have advice on how to deal with being diagnosed, because I am worried that getting a proper diagnoses will make me break and scare me away again.

Thank you 

[White_Rose]

Dear Daisy (may I shorten your name?)

What a horrible place you are in. I am so sorry that you feel this way. Unfortunately these are normal reactions to be told you have depression. I say unfortunately because it makes getting well so hard when we believe we so different and all the other thoughts we have. Please be assured that everyone who writes in to this web site has felt the way you feel. No one wants this dreadful illness but it does not mean you are crazy. Depression is as much an illness as having the 'flu or chicken pox.

What sort of help and support do you have? Are your parents aware of how you feel? If not, what do you think they would say if you told them? If you are still at school can you talk to a school counselor or chaplain. These people are trained to students in your situation.

The best option however is to visit your GP. The GP will refer you to a psychologist and will write a mental health plan so that you will have 10 psych free visits. The first time my doctor talked about a mental health plan I got very upset. Like you I felt afraid and vulnerable because it seemed like the end of the world. And like you, I wanted a magic cure to make it all go away. In fact I got very angry with the psych because he did not "cure" me. I expected to be given a psychological antibiotic.

You have put up with this condition for several years which is a shame. Please try and stay with a psych this time and learn to get well again. You probably found, the second time, it was better to tell the psych about all your thoughts. Nothing is going to happen to you because you have suicidal thoughts. I have them frequently. They are only a major problem if you decide to act on them and you have kept yourself safe so far. You must also tell the psych about self-harming. This is not good and you need help to address this.

So go to your GP and ask for help to start again. If you are not happy with your GP, go to another one or see if there is a doctor near you on the list above under Resources/Health Professionals.

I know that accepting depression as a real condition is very hard. It seems so unfair that you should get this while your friends are happy and carefree. This is not necessarily true. Depression is widespread and statistically several of your friends and other people in your class will also have depression. They are hiding it just like you.

Come back and write here. Someone will always respond to you.  I will be waiting to see how you go.

Warm regards

LING

[oneday]

Hi Daisy_rose

I get where your at. When I saw medical people I would withhold lots of info and to a degree I still do. I spent the majority of my life kidding myself that I really didn't have an illness and I'll cheer up. Long story short my doctor explained it to me this way. When I was born I had an imbalance of chemicals in my brain and the medication he prescribed was to deal with that short coming. He said its no different to having high blood pressure or diabetes, its just medication that addresses a medical condition.   I am so pleased that I finally did accepted I was sick and now the meds. have gone a long way in helping. Please take care.   

[AGrace]

Hi Daisy, 

Welcome to Beyondblue. Firstly I wanted to say you made the right choice to come here. It's really important you get some help, and you've taken a very big first step by asking how you go about doing that. 

It's understandable that you feel a little scared about seeking some professional advice. Most often we can't even understand what we're going through so it's difficult to imagine that anyone else would. 

The next step is to make an appointment with your GP. If you have one you feel comfortable with that's good, if not have a look under the facts tab and select getting help. Here you will find a list of GPs who are trained in mental health. Usually the GP will suggest you see a Psychologist/Psychiatrist. There is an option to get a mental health plan to assist with finance. Speak wu your Dr about this. Everyone has their own opinions but given the thoughts you've been having I'd recommend asking for a referral to a Psychiatrist. If you get stuck on what to say print out your post and read that.

You will eventually receive a diagnosis, however this is not to be feared. A diagnosis helps chatagorise your symptoms. Being told you have a mental illness doesn't mean you are crazy. Hopefully the Psychiatrist will put a treatment plan in place, including medication and types of therapy. It's important to share as much as you can with the treating Dr.

I'm not sure how old you are however I wonder whether theres a chance of speaking with an adult,  mum or dad about how you feel? 

You are dealing with some very raw emotions at the moment, and using some unhelpful coping techniques. If you feel really desperate please contact Beyondblue via phone or webchat. 

Let us know how you get on? 

AGrace

[HelenM]

Hi daisy rose

oneday has explained perfectly what is wrong and it's may help you realise that you're not crazy or anything. Medication helps me enormously with my depression. I would suggest you go to your doctor and talk to him. If you can't talk to him maybe you could write it out. I've known people who find that easier.

Helen

[White_Rose]

Dear Daisy

I replied to you soon after you posted but my post has disappeared into the cyber abyss. I am sorry you had to wait a while for someone else to post.

The gist of what I said is to suggest you go and see your doctor. Get a referral to a psychologist. Your GP can set up a mental health plan which includes a referral to the psychologist and entitles you to 10 free visits.  That's the start. Please see a psychologist not a counselor. Also be as open as possible as the psych cannot help much with one hand tied behind their back.

If you do not want to go to your GP then look under Resources at the top of the page. Resources/Health Professionals. There will hopefully be a mental health GP in your area.

Do your parents know how you feel? Or anyone else in your family? Not knowing your family I do not know if it would help to talk to them. Parents want their children to be well. Sadly though, many people are afraid of depression and find it difficult when it hits a member of the family. If you think your parents will be OK about it and supportive then I suggest you talk to them.This may be one good way to cope with your fears.

Being afraid of depression is normal. Just about everyone who writes in here is afraid and unhappy about being unwell. No one chooses it and we are all trying to live with it. Try to think of it as a tendency to catch a cold. Uncomfortable while it lasts but you will emerge. Like catching colds, you need to manage your health in the best way to avoid further colds. Depression is the same. Get help to manage this and learn how to keep yourself healthy.

It would be better not to have suicidal thoughts but don't beat yourself up about them. It's OK to have the thoughts as long as you do not act on them. When these thoughts come try to think of something else, something enjoyable such as a party you attended or being with friends.

I know it's not easy. We are all struggling with this problem at different times. It comes and goes so do not be afraid. Tell the doctor and psych all about it. It will help to spill it all out. And when you go home, remember that you are not alone. We cannot reach out and hug you, much as I would like to. Instead we send our support and help through cyber space.

A big cyber hug for you.

LING

[White_Rose]

Hello Daisy

How are you going?  I hope you can get back to us and tell us how you are going. Looking forward to your reply.

LING