I just know I can't tell my parents

[TahliaKeung]

hi. i'm 13, and this is the first time i've done this before. it feels weird, reaching out, because my whole life i've been forced to hide my thoughts. it's been hard. like, really hard. i'm in year 8, and being a major procrastinator, i've even managed to procrastinate getting help for myself. crazy right? i do get thoughts of 'maybe they don't need me' or 'what if when my friends say they'll be here for me, they're lying?'. 'im not sure if i have depression, but i'll be honest, if i did, i wouldn't be surprised. 

i was told my life by my parents, you can cry, we'll be there. but every single time i cry in front of them, they tell me it's my fault and i shouldn't be crying about it. This was like the time i lost all record of an assignment due in 5 days. i cried, really heavily, and my mother then proceeded to say, "thank god it's gone, i thought the look was horrible."

im sorry what? That was 6 hours of nonstop work and thought and she says that? really kind mum, you're such a saint.

My amazing dad then said, "Why are you crying about this when it's your fault? Honestly you're 13 grow up." He then said i wasn't allowed to cry, said it was pointless.

i also did try to talk about my suicidal thoughts. I did, i really tried. But my Chinese parents just said, you're just lazy. find some initiative, get some discipline for god's sake, why are you like this.

my parents are 'perfect' people. always top of their class, discplined, 'never needed help doing homework, my parents were divorced and my grandma didnt know how to do it' blah blah blah. 

sometimes i think if it's worth waiting the 5 years for a chance to study abroad and be free for once. my parents are ok with me hanging out with my friends, they i could go to the easter show with them next year, but they can be so annoying and overprotective and i just dont know how to deal with this anymore.

and i just know my parents won't help me in any way. i cant get a therapist on my own, and i dont think i can book my own medical appointment, and my GP is also chinese. 

please help me.

[Croix]

Dear Guest_38412687~

Welcome here ot the Forum, you sound very much like you need someone on your side. Just because a person is 13 does not mean they cannot experience serious difficulties and at the same time can make a pretty accurate judgment about how much parents can fail in thier role.

They sound highly unsympathetic and while saying the words "you can cry, we'll be there" however as what they say is criticism wihtout empathy or understanding  I think they are just paying lip service to that phrase. To try to be fair they may want the best for you, but are going about it in completely the wrong way - it makes matters worse and leaves you feeling alone.

Crying that much and having suicidal thoughts is just as serious at 13 as it is at 31. I'm sorry you life is so hard and you have to try to cope with these things. I too have cried and have had many suicidal thoughts, and found even though much older than you was not able to help myself, in fact by procrastinating simply made matters worse.

I realise it can be difficult to see a doctor on your own at your age, and your regular GP may be Chinese, however that is only one of your options. Can I suggest you contact the Kids Help Line, who are open 24/7, and you can talk by phone, or by web-chat, and maybe get to talk to others who have the same sort of problems as you. I find the staff competent, knowledgeable about young people's troubles, and a comfort to talk with.

As I found out tihngs can change for the better. So please take htat first step and see where it leads.

I do not think your are lazy, and maybe procrastinate becuse if things go wrong it may seem worse. If you felt like talking some more or saying how you get on I'd like to hear that

Croix

.

[TahliaKeung]

thank you so much... i didnt think anyone would reply, to be honest. but, i don't have a phone, so i can't call them without being found out....

i definitely thought about borrowing my friend's phone once i was back at school as it's currently the school holidays, but even though my friends are great, and they offer a lot of support, this will make them ask questions that i dont feel comfortable answering, also, id feel bad using their phone, because i have so much bottled up, it might take som time for me to talk about it all. me and my best friend, whos also chinese and therefore suffers the same thing as me, only worse, and she still manages to smile 24/7. (she said its cause she has a baby brother whos adorable and keeps her spirits up, unfortunately, im an only child). i mean, we vent to each other, but of course i cant tell her everything...

im basically screwed in every way.

[Earth Girl]

Hi TahliaKeung,

I've heard that some Chinese parents are really strict, but... wow. Your parents sound like they can be really mean. You put a lot of work into that assignment so of course you were going to be really stressed and upset when you lost it and anyone could have lost an assignment. Also, what did your Mum mean when she said "Thank God it's gone, I thought the look was horrible"? Was she trying to imply that she thought your assignment looked bad? It was very nasty of your parents to say those things. Even if they did really well with their homework and assignments when they were younger, they shouldn't talk to you like this and they shouldn't act like homework and assignments are the most important thing in the world. Being kind and caring to your own child should come before school work!

I saw on an ad on Youtube today that the reason why we procrastinate isn't because we are lazy, it's because we are worried about the outcome and it sort of turns into a vicious cycle of wanting to to something to help ourselves and improve our life, but the steps we need to take to get there are really hard and we can't find the motivation to do them either because we are afraid or because we aren't getting enough support in our lives (or both). To me, it definitely sounds like you are procrastinating from lack of support and out of fear of not doing things "perfectly" like your parents did so if you parents really did want you to do better (I'm sure you are doing a good job with your assignments though even if you want help with them and might not get straight A's (I had a lot of help with my assignments and my grades were very average and most students probably aren't in as much pressure to do extremely well like you are) then they should support you more.

It wouldn't surprise me either if you had depression - possibly quite strong depression too if you have suicidal thoughts. It was cruel of you parents to say those things to you when you opened up to them about it. That would have been a hard thing to do, especially to people who treat you like this.

Could you talk to a school counselor about what you are going though? You say your best friend has a baby brother that helps keep her going. Do you have something or are you able to find something that would make you feel better?

Your parents sound like overachievers and children who have parents like that often have low self esteem.

[TahliaKeung]

they are over achievers yea... it's stressful being their kid. and i guess my friend's baby cousin is adorable and also helps sooo yea, i guess life goes on. hopefully my life gets smoother as i get older.

but yes, she meant my presentation of my assignment was ugly and the content was also not pretty, so that definitely hurt.

(the worse part is that they act like the best parents sometimes, it makes me really confused)

[Croix]

Dear Guest_38412687~

Parents can be a mixed bag, overly strict one time and more loving the next. I guess it may be hard for them to find a balance given they may have seen hard times or believe one gets on in life by being perfect - and want you to have things better. It can get confusing and make one doubt.

It still does not make thier actions right

I think a fair amount more tact about your assignment would have been in order, all that criticism does is discourage you from doing more. Finding the good bits and praising them is a much better way to go.

I can see how awkward it is wihtout a phone, and being on holidays there may not be a councilor you can drop in on. Maye you could still borrow your friend's and ask her not to ask you why.

Another alternative is to use The Kids Help Line via web-chat, which just uses a computer, and one reason for it is specifically for those without a phone

https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling

One way or another I'm sure you will get assistance - it is important. I'm also very glad you have such a good friend who can understand your problems.

Croix

[TahliaKeung]

thank you, i did end up contacting them and they helped a lot, thank you so much, i never knew about that website. you helped me a lot, thank you so much.

[Croix]

Dear New Member

It's my pleasure. There are often times htat people think that telling their parents is going to be a disaster, mostly there is love and things work out fine.

There was no reason why you should have known of that site, however I hope you are finding it useful, I think it is pretty good.

You know you are welcome here anytime

Croix