I hope this will help at least a little

[wildcats21]

Hi guys, this is gonna be a long one

Basically I had taken a week off work during the new year (its my first job and it is full time and not very satisfying as it is a desk job.) I found that getting through the day wasn't a big deal before I started feeling depressed and anxious about an incident that happened with my boyfriend of almost 3 years during the a holiday week I had taken off. We had a weird argument about something so incredibly small. I am very stubborn yet also very passive when I'm annoyed. I get annoyed over the smallest things but when asked to explain why I am I feel silly because I know how stupid they sound and how insignificant it really is which then makes me feel worse. Anyway this fight caused us to basically break up but then get back together because when I told my parents why we broke up they made me realise that there was no actual real reason as to why we broke up since we were completely fine before this incident.

We also see each other everyday. Which I didn't think was a problem at all before all of this. We both work during the day and while mine is basically 9-5, he sometimes works half days so he has time for the gym and footy training etc. in my eyes we were getting the time we needed to sustain a healthy relationship. In my own time I did what I wanted to do as did he. We talked about what happened and then decided to just try and work it out but being in each other's company felt a bit forced like something wasn't right and then that's when we broke up^ basically what I touched on up there. AKA we are still together

now that's when this all started. He is the most amazing, selfless and generous person and I don't want to be nor can I think of being with anyone else but post all of this I have been feeling incredibly anxious and depressed and wake up every morning with all these over thinking thoughts about do I actually love him anymore? I feel like I can't feel love even though I know I love him because if I didn't I wouldn't be fighting for us this much. I am seeing a psychologist and have just recently been put on medication. I haven't been able to go to work without crying and I haven't been able to go to work more often than not. My boyfriend promises he's here for me forever ¬ going anywhere but why do I feel like this is just too good to be true? this has made me start to question everything about myself, what do I even like? I have no future, no passion or interest for anything. It just all gets scary

[Croix]

Dear Wildcats21~

Thanks for posting here, you sound unhappy and confused, And I can relate to that as I had a period when my depression and anxiety took over just about completely.

I thought at the time I was a failure, numb and removed from the world – and myself. It was like the world, people, even me, was on the other side of a thick glass pane. I felt unfeeling, I did not know what I liked or disliked. I did not know who I loved, or even if I could love. I did not trust others to love me and stay. I did not understand things.

I was completely wrong. All my thoughts came from depression, which skewed everything into the darkest possible interpretation. I did not realise this of course, and though everything was my own thoughts – if you understand what I mean.

All that coupled with a lot of anxiety left me just about helpless. I was eventually given a rest in hospital where my medication was changed. When I came out I have improved, and today am out of sight better.

My wife stayed with me, and looked after me, our child, went to work, and ran the household. I owed her an awful lot.

Why do I say all this? So you know that there are faithful people, that just because you think something does not mean it is really true.

There are some good things. You are getting treatment, sometimes that needs adjustment, as in my case. You have sensible parents you were able to talk to and give you support - and a reality check - as you said before. You have a job – even if not the best.

Fights happen, and in my own case they were never over the really big things, like being short on money, but on silly little things like not making the other a cup of coffee. We got over them, stayed together for 25 years until she died.

I’m not sure from reading your post if you are totally back together with your boyfriend, or just seeing him every day. Either way if he says he is there for you that’s really great. I would not have survived without my wife.

In your current state I’m not surprised you are having difficulty going to work, and feeling lost and scared. If it was me I’d have another discussion with you doctor and explain how you are currently feeling. Perhaps your treatment is too new to have properly taken effect, or perhaps it needs modifying.

Please post again and talk more, you will be met with understanding

Croix

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Wildcats21,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for your post.

It sounds like there's a lot going on for you right now and I'm sorry that you're struggling in your relationship.

From what I hear, it's that you want to fight for him, but you wonder if you do love him, and you can't feel love but you can't think of being with anyone else. Is that right? It does sound incredibly mixed!

My thoughts are that maybe if you're struggling with depression that it might be a bit cloudy; so often when people get depressed it's not uncommon to question our own future, self-worth, relationships, even capacity to love. Of course we are worthy and capable and all those things but depression can get such a grip on us that it feels like we aren't capable anymore. Is this what's happening to you too?

I can relate to many of the things that you've described; about being passive and stubborn, and about not believing my partner when he's said he'd be there forever. To that I say that loving someone is always a risk. We never really know what's going to happen and all we can do is lean in. Being able to talk is something we learn from a very young age, but learning to communicate is something else entirely. It can be a work in progress knowing how to be assertive and talk about hard things. From what you've said about your partner he does sound very genuine and caring and really from what I can see you do want to work things out.

Seeing a psychologist is a really good step and I hope that he/she is helpful; maybe it might help to discuss this sort of stuff with your boyfriend too.