Honestly don't know what to do

[woozy]

How do you function on a depressive episode? I'm a uni student and i have so much to do. I'm trying, I really am, I've been taking my meds I've been scheduling therapy sessions. It all feels like I'm faking my way through "recovery". But I do it because it's my responsibility to, as I'm an international student here in Australia on a scholarship. The pressure to go on and push all that that's bothering me to the back of my mind is immense. I cannot have an honest conversation with a therapist for fear of them not understanding me. I understand their perspective but I need someone to understand my perspective as well. I feel so disconnected from "reality". Constantly questioning everything and being sucked into this vortex of confusion and paranoia. I feel like giving in to it and completely withdrawing myself. But I keep going on because as long as I'm here and given this opportunity I cannot be that selfish. I did give in to the selfishness once. Ended up in the psych ward. I cannot ever go back there again. So I need to get through at least this year. But I keep falling back into dark days where I'm useless and barely functioning and I can't afford to have these days because uni does not stop for anyone. I don't know what to do.

[Doolhof]

Hi Woozy,

Welcome to the forums. I'd like to encourage you to find as much help as you can. Therapy sessions are good. Recently I spent two weeks in hospital due to my depression. I am a long way from a psych ward in distance, but have been in one previously.

I feel it is important for you to be honest with your therapist if you are able. I have a new psychologist, from the first meeting I told her what I need from her and what has not worked in the past.

If it helps you, you can share more of how you are feeling here. There are plenty of uni students connected to this forum. Hopefully a few will contact you here.

Have you been in Australia for long? Do you find some of our customs and ways of doing life different from your own?

Have you tried to make a list of things you need to achieve in a day and just cope with that list, then make another one for the next day.

Do you have friends at Uni you can talk with about how you are feeling? Or teachers, counsellors?

I'm asking a few questions here. You don't have to answer any of them of course, that is your choice.

The last couple of weeks I have been using the phone help lines like the one here at Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636. The people answering the phone will listen and offer suggestions of help and assistance where possible.

It is tough when you feel like you are struggling alone. Please feel welcome and comfortable to share what you want and need to here. This is a safe place.

Hope you find some answers soon. Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[pawsy]

Hi Woozy. That sounds really tough. I understand the feeling of ‘faking my way through recovery’. I sometimes feel that too … I do all the things I’m supposed to do, but I still feel, pretty much, dead inside and not
improving the way I think people want me to. It’s tiring .. being depressed is tiring and pretending not to be depressed is tiring. I struggle with wanting to withdraw too. I trick myself into participating in the world in very small ways: going for a walk, seeing a friend, cooking something i like. And often those small things make me feel a bit better, and so I feel encouraged. It *is* a struggle though.

I think having someone you can be honest with about how youre feeling is very important. If your therapist doesnt understand you, it’s probably time to find a different one who will. I have had that experience too. I was seeing a guy who made me sit in chairs and do role play which was ridiculous to me, so i left him and went to see a woman my GP recommended who just let me talk about all my hideous feelings and was accepting of it all, which I found very helpful… Can you try someone else? Also, you can of course keep posting in here about how you are really feeling, and maybe that will help clarify things. I hope you will post more, and let us know how you go.

from pawsy

[BballJ]

Hi woozy,

Firstly, welcome to the forums.

I think if you feel like you are "faking" through your recovery and can't be completely honest with your counsellor then perhaps you didn't connect with them and that is quite common, you don't connect with them all. When I first went to the GP for my mental health, she said to me that finding a good psychologist is like finding a good friend, you don't always connect with the first one you see, so finding one you feel very comfortable with is important and I would encourage you to find another one if you can.

Are you able to tell us a little more about what got you to this stage? Is it the stress of university, you don't have to tell us if you don't feel comfortable either but it helps a little with the advice.

My best for you,

Jay

[woozy]

Hello Mrs. Dools,

Thank you so much for responding. This is my third year in Australia and while things are very different for me back home I do enjoy the freedom I have here as I live a very restrictive life when I'm back in my country. I've had a psychologist that I've really liked for the last year but he has now retired and moved out of the country. As much as I didn't like to admit it this was a bit hard for me even though I did feel a bit pressured from him to "get better" as he had high expectations for me but I was comfortable with him because I felt like he was genuine. Also the two close friends I had have left to their countries as they've finished their studies. I find it very very hard break beyond the "haha everything's fine" facade with anyone even my close friends but at least they talked to me and that meant a lot. So I guess I'm dealing with a loss of sorts with the support system I had before. The psychologists I'm seeing are from the free counselling services at uni so I don't really have much options as to choose who I'm comfortable with. I've been really trying to ignore the fact that I'm kind of falling back into not such a good place but now it's just really hard to get through the daily routine. And I feel terribly guilty for that. It's a bit of an intense cycle that I can't seem to get out of.

[woozy]

Hello pawsy,

Thank you so much for your reply. It's just really really hard for me to be completely honest with my psychologists. I had a good one the last year (he's retired now) but I felt like I just tried hard to seem like I was fine and he was really pleased with how well I was doing and I didn't want to let him down. Also I'm a scholarship student so I feel like I have the responsibility to be be ok and get through this and I also don't have the luxury to take it slow which is what they usually suggest.

I don't really know what's stressing me out right now. I'm just completely disinterested in what I'm studying, have no confidence in doing anything but I know I have to so I just try, and having to constantly fight off disconnection with reality and a bit of an existential/spiritual crisis (this bothers me quite a LOT I have to admit). I feel like my issues are very trivial but its affecting my life and I feel like its entirely my fault.

I'm just very lost in general. Thanks again for responding to my post I really do appreciate it.

- woozy -

[BballJ]

Hi woozy,

Losing motivation in most things is very common especially something as reparative and study and work as well, doing the same thing becomes just apart of everyday life. It doing the things outside of it that tweak it, picking up a hobby is a great idea, something to look forward to at the end of the day, it can be as simple as going to the gym, or going for a walk.

I understand you lost your psychologist, is it possible to try and find another who can keep challenging you to get better?

My best,

Jay

[Doolhof]

Hi woozy,

It must be tough when you are in a different country with cultural behaviour, religions, philosophy and so many things being different from your own. You mentioned feeling a spiritual crisis. I understand how feeling spiritually sound is important. Are there places near you that could cater for your needs spiritually? Australia is such a multicultural society, you may be able to find a connection near you.

If not in person, are there communities available on the internet you can connect with? I have a Christian faith, I am not sure what is available for various spiritual needs.

I also understand telling a psychologist what you think they want to hear rather than the truth. I have done that. I walk out of the session and wonder why on earth I did that! I have a new psychologist whom I will try to be honest with.

There are some topics I feel I need to discuss with her, so have written these all down. I will hand her the paper to read herself, or I will read it out to her.

May I ask what kind of accommodation you are in? Is it possible for you to follow cultural practises in that place of residence? Is it possible for you to catch up with other students after Uni to do pleasurable activities, hobbies and so on?

Can you talk to the teachers and tutors to ask for assistance if you are struggling with a lesson or topic? Are there study groups at the Uni?

Think about activities you enjoyed at home and how you can incorporate them into your life here in Australia.

Hope some of this helps!

Cheers for now from Dools

[pawsy]

Dear woozy,

Thanks for your reply 🙂 I can relate to a lot of what you say. Especially about: disinterest, no confidence, fighting off disconnection, existential crisis. ugh. This stuff is really hard. ... I guess I also fear that my lost-ness and inability to get moving again is all my fault, but I suspect there are other, bigger forces at work, like work pressure, family expectations, old habits and patterns, that are really not entirely my fault ... tho they are still my problem to solve! Dools and Jay make good suggestions about how to begin to 'tweak' things and maybe get some peace. It is advice I am trying to follow too. I hope youre doing okay, and can keep writing back and let us know how you're going.

best wishes from pawsy

[White_Rose]

Dear Woozy

Love the name, it is so expressive in describing how we all feel at times.

As I understand it there is huge pressure on you to finish your degree without having a break or repeating a subject. Is this also an anxiety about disappointing your family? I gather you have come to enjoy life in Australia. Is this also a sadness that when you have achieved your degree you must leave? I can understand this. So many competing interests.

Like many of the people who write on the forums, I have also in the past told my psych what I think he wants to hear. I was never sure why I did this. It may have been fear that I would never get well, though how not telling the whole truth would help me I didn't consider. It's a good suggestion, above, that you write down your anxieties etc and give the list to your psych. May I suggest you do this and see how the session goes. If this does not work and you feel you are still not getting anywhere, then ask for another psych.

Mental health professionals accept they are not a good fit for everyone and usually are happy about helping you see someone else. I know when I did this I was terrified about the consequences, though I had no idea what these would be. Oh how we love to guess what will happen without the slightest idea of the reality of the situation. If this is your concern, can you take a deep breath and tell your psych. I assure you, they are not allowed to eat you. (smile)

Not sure how much you exercise. I found walking round the uni grounds and from room to room quite enough exercise but then I had four children to care for as well so perhaps I could be excused. Exercise is extremely beneficial for depression. It's the endorphins you release into the your body that makes the difference. Try your uni gym, presuming they have one.

Mary