I haven't a clue what's wrong

[bastet]

Like most people here, I'm new and have no clue what I'm doing. I guess I just need to vent/ask. I've been struggling with what I believe to be anxiety, depression, and possibly schizophrenia. I have multiple medical issues that I'm not going to bother listing since there are so many. I don't want anyone to feel like I'm just seeking attention from all of this. I get so scared that people will get annoyed with me if I talk about and it, and I'm just scared of what they'll think. Ever since I was little, I have been slightly suicidal and went to a psychologist every Tuesday. I was in 4th grade and I didn't even really understand what I was feeling, I just had a really hard time with death. My grandma and dog died and for a youngster that's mind bending. Jump to present day and I've felt horrid, both physically and mentally. I just now admitted to myself a few days ago in the mirror of what I might have, which hurt me. I'd all ways thought I was true but I didn't want to believe it. Whenever I read sad things, it's like there is another me who pushes to the front of my head (she's all ways been there) and amplifies my emotions ten fold and brings forward thoughts of loss of faith in humanity and suicide.

I've all ways been a pretty dramatic kid and I talk a lot and whine a lot and am really dramatic but only sometimes. When I'm in a social situation, I'm a shell. noone believes me when I say I'm shy. I feel like I have nothing to define myself. People say (especially family) that I act like my friends which sometimes annoys me off because it's not true or throws me into a pit of dispare because it is. I want to be normal so bad. I'm running out of room so I'll

end it here, but there is so much and I'm sure you dint want to listen to a whining 15 year old. If you happen to no what's wrong with me, please tell me.

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[Neil_1]

Dear bastet (interesting name, by the way 🙂

Welcome to Beyond Blue and I thank you so much for coming here and providing your post and sharing.

I was reading and generally I try to see if I can work out the person's age - well, you know what?  I was way off with yours - I thought the person writing was in their early 20's.   But you're 15 - so that tells me that you have a very insightful and intelligent way of writing and putting down your thoughts and also for the experiences that you have faced.

Were you whining?  Absolutely NO WAY.  You simply came here and that's brilliant that you did;  and you proceeded to tell some of your story and put it down onto computer;   just a bit of unloading.  But no, you weren't whining at all.

A lot of us with mental health issues (depression and the like) will try to portray ourselves as being 'normal' (so we can fit in easier) with the general public, friends and even family.  It's what's called as wearing a 'depression mask';  or just wearing the 'mask'.  And we wear it so others cannot see how low we really are;  and I believe that's what confuses and makes it hard for others to understand about depression.  We simply don't want them to know (or see) our constant hurt and so we act, way differently to how we feel.  And as mentioned, this is us masking or hiding away the real truth. 

May I ask do you have a good relationship with your family;  in particular your parents?  I ask this, as you're 15yo, if that relationship is good and you feel comfortable around them and talking to them;  I would possibly use this as your next step.  To tell them how you feel, but to also include that you really feel you need professional help (eg:  seeing a doctor about this).

We can help with advice and guidance;  and support to you on this site, but I really think you may now need to seek out some professional help, so you can really start the ball rolling with getting yourself all the right kinds of help and support that you can possibly obtain.

I hope this has been of some use to you and that also you can get back to us so we can see how you're getting on.

Another big thing to know about all this is:  You are not alone with what you're experiencing or how you're feeling.

Kind regards

Neil

[CMF]

Hi,

I agree with all Neil said and I too would like to point out a few things;

You are not a whinning and certainly no here to seek attention and we all know this so please don't feel this way.  I too suffer anxiety/depression and have been told I do it for attention.  People who think this clearly do not understand or have not experienced. it's not attention seeking, the attention we are looking for is HELP, someone to listen and care.

You say " Whenever I read sad things, it's like there is another me who pushes to the front of my head (she's all ways been there) and amplifies my emotions ten fold and brings forward thoughts of loss of faith in humanity and

suicide".  I'm not an expert but it shows how sensitive you are and caring that  these things sadden you so much.

I can relate to how you say you are dramatic and whiny but a shell in social situations - me too! I totally understand the "mask" Neil spoke about.  we only show our depression to ourselves or those we are comfortable around to see it, everyone else sees the mask. if someone who usually sees the mask catches us without it they think its the "attention seeking".

I think im out of space. hope to hear back from you.

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[White_Rose]

Hello Bastet

Welcome to the web site. It's good that you have found the courage to tell your story here, which is a huge step. As Neil has said, we are here to help and support you as much as possible. Like Neil, I try to work out the age of the person posting but I am at a loss to know how Neil pinned your age to 15. So if you don't mind telling us, how old are you?

What you describe are classic depression symptoms. The mask gets put on to hide your pain and allow you to blend in, but it also takes a great deal of energy to keep in place. The use of this energy to hide gives you less energy to cope with your situation.  A bit of a catch 22. So it is not surprising that you feel uncertain about who or what you are. And if you are only 15 then all this is compounded by the trials and tribulations of being a teenager.

So as Neil has suggested, the first step is to talk to your parents. If you feel closer to one parent you may be more comfortable talking to that parent only initially. Or you could go to your GP and talk to him/her about how you feel. Your GP should be able to tell you if your concerns about schizophrenia are valid or not, although I can appreciate that this may be a bit scary to do.

Your fears about telling other people how you feel are also part of depression. Almost the first thing that we tell ourselves is that others will not believe us, will be angry, will laugh, tell us to get our act together. And sadly this does happen on occasions. Those people who have never been depressed or have had no exposure to depression really have no idea how debilitating it can be. Depression can take over your life in the most horrendous manner which is why it is important to get professional help ASAP.

This can be managed and controlledby several means. Your GP will be the best guide in this respect. As you have already talked to psychologist in the past I am guessing this will not be such a huge hurdle for you as it may be for others. On the other hand your GP may feel that you do not need a psychologist which would be fabulous.

So gather your courage, which is there waiting to come out of hiding, and talk to your parents and/or GP.

I would love to have a reply from you.

Regards

Mary