Telling my partner about my depression

[Curls10]

I've never talked about my battles with depression over the years to many people. I might have mentioned it once or twice, but this ongoing battle has been my own to deal with. I've done well in the past to recover and stay positive. It takes a reoccurring negative experience to bring me down to this place. I'm 23 now and I've worked hard to maintain my positivity. For a year now, my partner and I have had difficulties to overcome certain issues that negatively impact our relationship. We've tried counselling to steer us in the right direction but it hasn't helped. Lately, it has been too much for me to handle anymore. I feel like I have reached my point and I can't take crying, fighting, making up or apologies anymore. My heart is sore. As much as we love each other, it's not enough. There have been times when we've argued that I want to just hurt myself again and I wish for things to end. I told him that I think of hurting myself and that our relationship needs to change now because it brings me so much pain that I don't want to deal with it anymore. I told him about my thoughts and it just made me feel ashamed and embarrassed of myself. Is it right for me to feel this way? I feel like if you tell your partner about something like this, it should help you feel like youre not alone? I just want him to help me, to support me, and to push me in the right direction like I had for him when he was at his lowest point. Sometimes your run out of steam when you try to be strong... And this is where I am now. I'm tired or trying to get to the place I want to be but not being able to reach it. I just want to know what to do. I'm so lost and I feel so alone in my own home. I just want someone to fight for me like I matter.

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[White_Rose]

Dear Mocha

Welcome to Beyond Blue. Well done for telling your story here. It was probably very hard, but now that you have opened up a little I hope it has helped. I see the BB people have already responded to you so I hope you take their advice. Remember they are there 24/7 to listen to you and offer whatever help they can.

The first question that is always asked is, do you have professional help or support? You say you have coped in the past and I get the impression that you have done this on your own. But you are still struggling and I suspect will continue to struggle by trying to manage on your own.

I understand your expectation that your partner will help and support you and in general I agree. The difficulty is that unless a person has been depressed or had a great deal of exposure to depression, he/she just does not get it. Depression is not called the hidden disease for nothing.

Many people are scared to learn that family member or friend is depressed. They have no idea what to do or say. I understand you supported your partner when he was at a low point, but he may not have been clinically depressed and would have found it easier to get back to his normal self.

As we all know, this is not how it works with depression. And usually keeping a happy face and being positive does not work either. Not in the long term. And it is emotionally and physically exhausting to try to keep up.

Do you have a GP who you are comfortable and confident with?  If so, please go and see him/her ASAP. Hold nothing back about your feelings and the length of time you have been depressed. You know the saying that a doctor who tries to cure himself has a fool for a patient. Well, to a large extent this applies to the rest of the population, particularly where mental illness is involved.

I hope I do not sound overbearing. I am really concerned about you and want you to get help to get well again. If you do not have a doctor then explore the BB tabs at the top of the page. There is a list of GPs experienced in managing mental health issues. The list is searchable by postcode.

Also read the information about depression. BB will send you any of the literature you want, free of charge. There is also literature for family and friends so perhaps you could ask for some for your partner. More information we have on mental health the better able we are to manage. And more people are informed the less stigma will be attached to people who with these illnesses.

I hope you will reply soon.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Sorry for the wrong name. You must have changed it while I was writing.

 Curls is a great name.

[Neil_1]

Dear Mocha (Curls)

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for coming here and providing your post.

You’re certainly dealing with a battle and for what you’ve described, you’ve been putting up a very good fight in keeping things at bay – but I can totally understand your view-point, where you’ve put in so much effort, only for things to not get better;   or if they did, they’d get better for a short time and then the slide back down would happen again.   Mocha, you certainly are not on your own in this respect.  That’s important to know – this happens and happens to so many people.

You asked should you feel this way after mentioning about ending it all to your partner – I think that may be an individual thing, but I can tell you that YES, I felt this way.  But I didn’t get to the stage of telling – I went and “tried” to end it (and with 2 young children) and when I was taken home;  I had shame and apologies coming out of everywhere within me.  For my partner, for my family and for the 3 mates who stopped me – three mates that I will never ever forget.  Sorry, slight digression there, but it was great that you told your partner this and I believe it was great to feel the way you did as well – to me, it means that you won’t go and do it – that you’ve confronted it and that’s a very positive step.

May I ask how your partner reacted when you told him?   With what you wrote after, it didn’t seem that he reacted overly positive towards you?

The other big thing here is that you’ve had counselling – but I’m gathering that’s relationship counselling, is it?

Is your GP aware of your situation??   I’m assuming here that you have a GP that you go too and are happy with them?   If not, on this site, Beyond Blue have a list of GP’s to be searched for – these GP’s are experienced in dealing with mental health issues and as such would be best advised to assist you and give you a referral to a suitable counselling service (perhaps a psychologist) and perhaps medication, if they feel you need that as well.   These are all excellent options to help you – cause it sounds like you’ve been the only one helping you so far – now it’s time to reach out further.   You’ve reached here and that was an awesome first step;  next step is to seek out professional assistance.

In the meantime, it’d be awesome if you can keep posting here;   because you can also receive some very valuable advice and support here too.

 

Neil

[Curls92]

Hi Neil1,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story with me. I really appreciate your support. I haven't been on here in a couple of weeks so my state of mind has shifted after I really stopped to have a look at myself. Reading your comment has really helped me to see that there is light at the end of such a dark tunnel. When I read your story, I realised that I had to help myself before I could go back and deal with problems in my relationship.

I took time a part from my partner so that I could ground myself again and be myself. It has only been a couple of weeks since my last meltdown but this time it feels different. There had been times where I worked on myself to get better but I always fell back into this negative place. 

When you shared your story with me, it really gave me hope that help is there even if I always thought it wasn't. My partner and I are taking small steps and focusing on being positive and slowly dealing with the issues that we have together and as individuals. 

You are such a strong person for helping others despite what you have been through yourself. It is people like you that help others see light when there is darkness. So, thank you so much for sharing your story with me. 

I hope that you have a blessed year and are full of happiness and light.

Curls92

[White_Rose]

Hello Curls

So pleased you have taken time out fro yourself. It is great to know you and your partner are working together. Neil is a huge inspiration to others as he copes with his own difficulties and makes time to talk to people about their problems.

There are many great stories on BB. By that I mean people who have battled serious depression and come out the other end. I decided that no one was interested in my problems so decided to take the dark road. Like most folk mine is a long story but here I am, able to manage, not afraid of being depressed and able to talk to others about my experiences.

I hope you will keep us up to date with your progress. We love to know someone is doing well.

Mary