I have lost my identity and purpose

Debussy · ‎22-02-2023

I am tired of a cyclical life that I have been on now for nearly 10 years. I am a 51 year old female and was diagnosed with bipolar when I was 26.

I am a music teacher and singing teacher. I had a daughter at 17, got a music degree at university, married at 25 and my husband left after a year. I haven't really had a long relationship since. Had a very successful career and personal professional perfomance opportunities. I was known as a talented performer and teacher. I had good friends who valued my company and thought I was funny.

Unfortunately I made the mistake of letting my work know I had bipolar and they denied me any career trajectory because of this. It reached a point where I suppose I had a breakdown at school. Was hospitalised and took a year off work and eventually resigned. Have had blocks of work since but nothing permanent.

I have always struggled with rejection and failure.

I have a supportive family but they have never really understood me. I have a very close relationship with my daughter but worry that I depend on her too much these days.

Worst of all is I have had long periods of depression for the last 10 years. I isolate, find no joy in anything and can't really do much. Terribly sad and hopeless thoughts are a regular occurence.

I feel I have lost my sense of self identity. What ties me to this earth is knowing the pain my daughter would suffer and not seeing my grand daughter grow.

Sophie_M · ‎22-02-2023

Hi Debussy, Welcome to the forums, we are so glad that you've taken a big step in sharing here. We hope you find some comfort in sharing here, and in hearing from the lovely community members, many of whom will be able to relate to what you’ve been through. If you ever want to talk this through with one of the Beyond Blue counsellors, feel free to give us a call on 1300 22 4636, or reach out through Online Chat here. Thank you for sharing this and giving this community a chance to offer you their understanding and advice. We’re here to listen and offer support, and you never know how your story might help someone else. Kind regards, Sophie M

white knight · ‎22-02-2023

Hi, welcome,

We have a lot in common, My daughter was a teacher, 6 years ago... PTSD, depression, pensioned off at 30yo. I'm bipolar, depression etc. Us bipolars do have talent, I'm into poetry, written at least 250, my wife has made a book out of them.

Family and friends wont understand you.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/they-just-wont-understand-why/m-p...

That leaves groups and there is a thread here for people like us called THIS BIPOLAR LIFE

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/long-term-support-over-the/this-bipolar-life/m-p/225807/highligh...

I think its likely your identity has just gone on holidays, your passion of singing and music will be in there somewhere and you might need to wait for that motivation to return?

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/depression-and-the-timing-of-motivation/td-p/149708

I'm thinking you might need a refresh of diagnosis. Over time things change eg sadness creeping in occured with myself and was diagnosed with Dysthymia, once diagnosed a simply medication stopped all that sadness and doom and gloom. So a trip to your GP and referrals?

Meditation. I'll let this thread tell the story.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/meditation-words-of-wisdom-it-helped-me-for-25-year...

Repost anytime.

TonyWK