A crisis of faith and an added sub-level of despair.

[Shadree]

TLDR: Jehovah's Witness threatened with disfellowshipping (being kicked out). I have a chance to appeal it but feel too disheartened to do so due to lack of support. Don't know who to turn to.

I'm a Jehovah's Witness. I have been baptised for over 20 years and was raised in the religion.

Last December, I went through a breakdown of sorts. I had been reflecting on my time as a witness and felt that my time and effort in my service throughout my life had been unrewarding. This, coupled with my chronic depression and troubles at home made for a very dark time in my life.

I have been taking anti-depressants (mainly for my stomach issues) and have been seeing a therapist (but not long enough to make significant progress).

When I went to the elders, they seemed eager to help. However, when I said I had a problem that I wasn't ready to deal with yet, they insisted. Ever since, they've focused in on that specific problem and not given me the support I asked for.

Cut to a year later and because I haven't fully overcome my problem, they said they were going to disfellowship me. I had 7 days to write an appeal. After a couple of days, I managed to get my thoughts on paper but they are just full of hurt feelings and desperate pleas.

I asked a friend to go over it and on the brief glance my brain allowed me to take, seemed to need a more lawyer-styled approach. She said "What is your key purpose for writing this appeal?
1) To have the brothers reverse their decision?
2) To express your own perspective, feelings and position clearly, with minimal compromise/apology/appeasement, even at the risk of disfellowship?"

I feel like a) the letter won't change their minds regardless and b) even if it did, they seem adamant about not providing the help I want.

I don't have any close friends to ask about this within that community and the sensitive nature of my problem prevents me from approaching anyone else.

Any advice on what to do that doesn't just involve disparaging remarks about JWs or hopes and prayer would be appreciated.

[Shadree]

Quick update: I managed to confide in my Mum. She's been overwhelming supportive. So at least I know I won't be kicked out of home or anything.

[therising]

Hi Shadree

I'm so glad you have the full support of your mum and a home base from which to make future decisions from. A sense of security is such an important thing, especially within a time of torment, questioning and upheaval.

Being raised Catholic and having gone through a crisis of faith earlier in my life (I'm a 52yo gal now), there was so much questioning in regard to whether to continue remaining within the church. It was so incredibly tormenting. I think the day I began seriously questioning a lot was the day the torment began. Any significant questioning is a sign we're on a quest. It's the nature of a quest to question. Sometimes the questions can relate to 'What path am I on? Where do I wish/need to head? Why is this part of my path so dark/how can I gain the light or enlightenment I so desperately need?'. Perhaps you could ask 'What is my quest at this point in my life?'. Perhaps it is to better understand yourself. Perhaps it's to better understand why you're suffering. Perhaps it is to gain a more satisfying connection with God. I believe the religion or faith we follow determines the kind of connection or channel.

In my decision to look beyond my Catholic upbringing I began to explore more about the spiritual nature of life. Having come across Neale Donald Walsch's books 'Conversations with God', I began to wonder why the channel felt so one way for me. I eventually realised I was raised in the ways of understanding how to pray to the divine but not raised to hear what came back, in return. Not sure if that's relatable. To elaborate: If I was raised to meditate or pray on a divine answer, shouldn't I be able to hear the answer in my mind? For example, if I asked in prayer 'Why do I feel so lost?', shouldn't I hear something like 'You need a guide more than anything, especially within one of the darkest parts of your journey'? Perhaps an extension could be 'Only turn to those who light the way, not those who abandon you in the dark'.

Jesus taught beyond the culture/religion of his time partly so that people would cease to continue suffering through certain aspects of it. Perhaps his advice to us would be 'If you are suffering through your faith, seek the divine beyond it'.

[Shadree]

Another update: my appeal failed. Their robotic responses did little to quell any hurt feelings I have and they have disfellowshipped me (kicked me out of the church).

Now I'm left with a big hole in my heart where my faith and trust used to be. 

[Fiatlux]

Hi Shadree,

I am so sorry that this has happened to you.

You haven't confirmed whether your Mother is also a follower of the faith.

May I ask, if you have not made any close friends within that community why you feel the need to belong there? Are there other communities within your faith who you can turn to? 

My own experience with your faith was brief and limited as I have had friends who follow Jehovah. 

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Shadre,

I am truly sorry to hear about the way things turned out for you. Your faith has obviously been a huge part in your life as well as actively contributing to your Church by trying your best in encouraging others. It appears, there have been a chain of events in your life that unfortunately have led to your disfellowshipping. It seems to me that you feel like you have been misunderstood and left unsupported, and if anything, being pressed to address issues that you were not ready to face, at that point in time. You are obviously hurting a lot and having your mum supporting you throughout this whole ordeal is the best news you could share with us. The love and support from our loved ones can fuel us up and lift our spirits up, giving us strength, hope and motivation to get through these difficult times. 
The other thing is: yes, you have been “kicked out” but nobody can stripp you out of your personal faith and beliefs. They are imprinted in your own being, in your heart and nobody can take this away from you. 
Also, you have stayed true to yourself and your own beliefs and for that I commend you. 

[therising]

Hi Shadree

Your church has lost someone so loving and devoted and it is a shame others in that fellowship will suffer through this loss, one that a handful of people decided upon. I hope your mum is offering you comforting counsel as you face this incredibly challenging time in your life.

I'm wondering if you have something like a little altar at home, somewhere you can go to connect with the divine, especially at this time. If not, this is something you can gift to yourself or your mum can gift to you. It can be a simple table or perhaps a table that has something special about it. You can add to it whatever your heart desires. Something divine, perhaps a little vase that can support the occasional flower from your yard, a photo or photos of those you love, a trinket that means the world to you etc. If you go there each day in prayer, perhaps your prayers will be answered as you seek guidance at this time. Ask whatever soulful questions you need an answer to and see what comes to mind. Perhaps you could even consider keeping a journal for this time.

I hope a lot of positives come to mind for you and you make a connection that serves you as you now seek direction and consolation in your grief. I hope what comes to fill your heart is beautiful and miraculous, something incredibly special just for you, something heaven sent.

[Croix]

Dear Shadree~

Having been brought up in a faith which is a close community with perople being 'fixtures' in your live and love professed by many towards you it must come as a shattering betrayal to find that love evaporates and the people you looked up to are no longer there for you  - quite the reverse.

I guess from your point of view it might be very tempting to give religion away completely, after all your ex-community did not care for you, but saw you as a threat and no longer wanted you with them.

This is completely against normal human kindness, or love. So now you most probably feel adrift.

I'm not suggesting you give up religion, or retain it. I would suppose that depends upon you.

I would think for you there has always been the church, religion and god. Now you have found that these can be very different from some people who deliver religion. They can be subject to all the frailties of humans. Lack of care, heartlessness, perceiving threats where compassion should be instinctive, preferring the easy way out despite the heartbreak it causes others.

I'm very glad indeed you have you mum, who sounds wonderful. I'm also glad you have sought medical help for depression, I never improved until I had competent treatment.

The world can be a very confusing place when the values you were brought up with seem to conflict with everyday society.  Not something you can resolve quickly. It takes time, and the examples and kindness of others to make you comfortable in the world.

You are welcome ot talk here as much as you like, we will listen and care.

Croix

[Shadree]

My Mum is still an active witness. I feel sad for her because her husband (my father) cheated on her and was kicked out. Then all my siblings left of their own accord.

Fortunately, she has friends to turn to in the faith but I'm worried about people gossiping about her behind her back. It's happened in the past.

[Shadree]

Witnesses do not use objects in their worship. As the elders said, I still have access to prayer, meetings (but not association) and their publications.

My issue is that this betrayal of trust affects all that I have access to. The one thing I need most - the association - is what has been cut off from me.