I have almost no genuine empathy

[Earth Girl]

Note: Some people may find the horrible things I did very upsetting. People will be very disappointed. I didn't want to talk about this because my intentions were so bad. It may sound like I'm being hard on myself, but you'll see what I mean soon. 

A girl I was friends with was always really kind to me and I barely even did anything for her. I probably don't even realize how much she supported me. I thought she and her guy friend were both very nice people, but I felt like I wanted to be acquaintances with them more than close friends because I wasn't really myself around them/couldn't talk to them like I was being myself (not because they did anything wrong), but I thought that if I told them this, it would hurt their feelings. I deleted them on Facebook. They asked me why. I told the girl that I just didn't feel a connection and she got really upset with me (she was hurt) and at the time I didn't understand why she reacted the way she did. The guy asked me in a separate message while saying things like "Um okay" which I thought at the time was talking down to me (this happened on Facebook) why I didn't feel a connection with her. Since I was mad at them for how I thought, they were talking to me, I said that the girl kind of bullied another girl in college (it wasn't anything major what she did. I was so much meaner myself) which is bad enough, but my intentions behind it made it truly f'ed up. *This is the part where I was being super horrible so just be prepared because it will be hard to read* I don't even want to say this but in the moment, I wanted for him and other people who knew her to be really disappointed in her (including people at her work) meaning that she would have lost her job and those are just the things that I remember. Even if he was meaning to be condescending, how does that make it okay for me to do that? Obviously since what she did was so minor, it wouldn't have caused these things to happen, but let's say if it somehow did, after she was always kind to me and never wronged me? 

I apologized to them, but they are still understandably really hurt. I know there's no way I could make this right because it was horrible, but is there anything I can do that would make her feel better at all? I want to apologize again because my first apology wasn't good enough. Could I ask her if I could help her with something? I don't know if it would be right to do that though? I can't believe how bad I was. I don't know how I could have done that. 

[Mudcakes]

One thing I’ll start with Is I don't believe your heading.

You have empathy, it shows through out this post. We all at some stage do something we regret and messages make it hard to understand tone etc and many times past experiences can automatically translate tone in the wrong way, I know this unfortunately from personal experience that I regret not having important conversations not over messages. It may take time for them to forgive but if I was them it wouldn't take that long, given not many people I’ve noticed actually recognise when they have done something wrong and actually mean their apology. Honestly, I wish I had a friend like you who actually looks at their behaviour and then does whats right to fix it. 

[Earth Girl]

Hi Mudcakes, thank you so much. ❤️ I know now that the part about me misunderstanding the way they were talking to me wasn't so bad even though I reacted badly to it. I still feel bad about my intentions behind what I said though (trying to make someone look bad and feel bad and especially the very ill intentions I had). 

Something I'm confused about is that people say I'm bad for not appreciating her enough and not wanting to continue being friends with her. I agree that I should have appreciated her a lot more, but I can't tell if I was wrong for not wanting to continue the friendship. I actually would have liked to be acquaintances with her (even now, though it's extremely unlikely they would want me in their life now), but I didn't think we were really compatible as friends. 

I'm glad that I am getting better at taking accountability because I use to be really bad at it until I learned why it's so important and I notice myself that when someone doesn't take accountability for things they have done to me, it often actually hurts more than what they did. 

I really appreciate your reply; it was very sweet and made me feel a lot better. 

[Psychdiaries2]

Hey there,

Thanks for reaching out!

I can see you are being hard on yourself but you have also taken accountability which you should be proud of yourself for. Not many people take responsibility for their actions and you did. I think that shows you have empathy. You understand that this hurt them and you want to make things right. You owned up to your mistake which is an honourable thing to do.  I hope you are proud of yourself.

I understand why they would be feeling confused as to why you deleted them online or about the rumour, but I think if you let them know that there is no hard feelings involved, maybe they will see you as a peer/classmate who they can respect. If you apologise sincerely then I wouldn’t be surprised if they feel like they have a bit of closure and then you guys can move forward. Maybe ask her if you guys can at least resolve things so that things won’t end on a sour note. Give her some space, and if she does want to be acquaintances too, then you can. If not, have some peace knowing that you apologised on your end, and that’s all you can do really do. It’s up to the other person if they are going to accept it. Just be kind and take accountability, that’s all you can do.

You seem like a really nice person who wants to make things right. I’m sure that’ll go a long way! Take care 🥰

[Earth Girl]

Hi Psychdiaries2, thank you for your reply and advice! Sorry for not getting back to you for a while.

Yeah, it would be understandable to feel confused about those things. Most of the time, I know I was the one who was definitely in the wrong, but sometimes I have mixed feelings even though they didn't do anything wrong and it's understandable why they responded the way they did. I think I have narcissistic problems because I have trouble not shifting blaming even when I was the one who messed up badly. 

I apologized to them (a few years ago) and they didn't respond, but based on what they said online about it, it sounded like they believed I meant it, but they are still very hurt about it, and it didn't really change things much. I'm not sure if it would be weird to apologize again or if it would be weird or even rude to ask if there is anything I can do to help her out - apparently she's going through something really awful at the moment and I don't know if it's because of me or something that she was going through for a long time, even back when we were friends that I should have asked her about and tried to help her with.

She has been planning revenge on me for what I did since it happened several years ago, and they are saying it's going to be a million times worse than what I did to them. Sometimes I feel like I deserve some of the revenge, but not to the extent that they are planning. I'm not sure how to feel about it. The revenge is going to be something that will affect me for the rest of my life - not just a one-off thing. 

[Earth Girl]

I recently just realized how bad it is to back stab someone, especially like this and especially when they were always kind to me no matter what and never wronged me. Even if it's a metaphor, it's still similar to having a knife and just digging it into someone, except in this case, you're not hurting their back, you're hurting their heart and their feelings. Even if she did wrong me, I would still be so wrong for this.

I want to apologize to her again with a better apology and ask if there is anything I can do at all to make things better in any way, but I'm worried that it might make her feel even worse? I thought that the first time I apologized, it might make it worse, but I think it was the right thing to do now even if it didn't take away the pain because at least, I was letting them know that I was deeply wrong. If I apologize again though, maybe it would be rude in some way? I'm really not sure. I also don't know how it would make her feel exactly. The last thing I want is to make things even worse for her than I already have. 

Whenever I talk to my family about this, they say that what I did wasn't that bad, but it WAS. They tell me to just move on, but I can't.  

I want to get help for my narcissism, but I could only find one person who helps people with this where I live and apparently, they aren't registered so my dad isn't completely sure. I also will probably have to continue hiding that from my parents that I'm trying to get help with my narcissism because they don't think I have it even though I do and if they find out that I'm trying to get help for it still, they may not let me see anyone for this.

I've had people back stab me many times before, especially people in my immediate family and try to make me look bad, but I don't think I've ever been back stabbed this badly.