I feel trapped

[Brett4991]

I dont know how to explain myself but I feel like nothing makes me feel joy any more. I have always dedicated myself to others through my work or my actions. But when I get home to my girlfriend I feel nothing but regret and shame. I have never been the best boyfriend although I have tried so hard but nothing I do seems to make her happy. I have given up friends, moved houses, moved states, left jobs and even restrict my job optunities in my new job so I can be there but its never enough. I always make her upset or mad which gets my upset or mad, I find myself in this never ending cycle where I'm the bad guy or she is. We have broken up multiple times and we he have both always begged one another to get back together now I feel like I have ruined her life that I should of left long ago before we gave so much to each other before I resented her before I made choices that truly broke my heart in the hopes I would make her happy. Now I go home and feel empty I don't have anything to give, I feel nothing for my family or friends I feel like a failure cause I can't remember that last time I truly felt happy. I feel if I leave her all my sacrifices that I have made would be for nothing but if I stay I will ruin her life and my own. She isn't a bad person I know she means no harm and she can't help it but I want out I want to feel alive again I want to be able to have dreams without worrying I will hurt her but I'm terrified I will crush her im terrifiedif I lose the last thing in my world that's a constant ill have no reason to get up in the morning.i feel that no matter what I chose my life will be over.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Brett4991,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 
 

[Helarctus]

Hello Brett4991,

It sounds like you have had more than a few difficult choices to make and then live with. It may be difficult to arrange at the moment, depending on where you live, but you may benefit from having a conversation with your partner in a neutral space or through relationship counselling where you can talk about how you feel, what you want and need and they can do the same and be assured you are both listening.

You don't have to have answers for questions raised or issues brought up, but knowing that you have been heard and that your partner is aware of the issue(s) can go a long way towards helping each of you work out what comes next.

[therising]

Hi Brett

I truly feel so very much for you as you face the challenges of 'remembering' yourself.

Speaking from the perspective of someone who's been with the same guy for over 20 years, there have been many highs and lows along the way throughout the relationship. There came a time not too long ago where I realised why a lot in the relationship had become so challenging. Basically, I'd sacrificed so much for so long to make my husband feel happy and content. There would be times when I felt a little guilty for pushing for us to live the life I wanted so I'd back down from wanting that so as not to cause conflict or upset. With my husband being more of a laid back home body, I came to realise I'd sacrificed the natural adventurer in me, the wonderer who wondered about all the plans we could make for the future and the excitable kid in me who was often looking to vibe high. Basically, I hadn't just sacrificed a bit, here and there, I'd actually sacrificed who I naturally am. I'd lost my natural self. For me, this was a major wake up call and significant turning point.

Brett, what would it feel like to become more challenging toward your partner? Don't be too surprised if you're suddenly labeled as 'difficult' or 'unreasonable'. This labeling comes with the territory of being positively challenging. Compromise can also enter into any challenge. For example, you may say 'Let's go out to eat at a place we've never gone before, trying food we've never tried before' and she says 'No, I like the place we always go to'. The compromise could be 'Okay, what about we'll try food we're familiar with but at a new place'. Sounds reasonable, don't you think? If she still says 'No', the question is 'Does she always say no to adventure (adding ventures to life)?' If so, what does life look and feel like when you're repeating the same ventures time and time again? This poses another question. Do you want to keep repeating the same ventures, going to the same places, seeing the same old friends of hers, having the same conversations and so on? If you're a natural born adventurer Brett (even if the ventures are little ones), sameness can get a bit soul destroying, speaking from personal experience.

May sound a bit simplistic perhaps but I've found that in dismembering my natural self through sacrifice, the only way to reform was to begin re-membering the best in my self. The folk in our life who inspire us to re-member are the ones to look to. They raise us.

🙂