Hello. You can call me Blue. Just as the title says, I feel hopeless and stuck in a rut. I have a strong desire to become happy, content, and dignified, but it just doesn't happen to me, almost ever. First and foremost, I apologize in advance if my english/grammar is excruciatingly difficult to understand. I am both Asian and mentally ill, so please bear with me.
My problems started in primary school, where I was badly mistreated by my peers. My mom and dad were very gentle and loving people, hence, I was well taken care of and very sheltered. Because of this, I grew up to become a principled but, very emotionally sensitive child. This made me a target for bullies, who took advantage of my pacifism, meekness, and sensitivity. The experiences I had were like that of a bullying scene in a movie, sometimes worse. Verbal abuse was much more painful than physical ones. I was often called names, pushed into the urinal, physically beaten, shoes and lunch money robbed etc. But what hurt me the most was the public humiliation. While most people consider their high school graduation as one of the happiest moments in their lives, I consider mine the worst. A graduation hymn was sung towards the end of our graduation ceremony. Imagine being around 500 students singing, distorting the lyrics with such disgraceful words that target only you. I was crushed. I was really crushed. I never recovered from that, and it gives me nightmares to this day.
Having little self esteem and confidence, I grew up to become an escapist, trapped in my room playing video games, listening to music and playing the guitar. Later on, I started to became pretentious, delusional and conceited. I joined a band, tried to act cool, look cool, and occasionally bully weaker blokes. My academics suffered and I barely completed high school and uni. Because of that I dumbed down, and always have difficulty succeeding with work or study. Nothing has changed up to this day. Because of my shortcomings, everything in my life is suffering… career, health, relationships etc.
I’ve had professional help for many years, but nothing they tried has ever worked on me. I believe in the efficacy of professional treatment, but I know that what’s best for me is to have a friend or relative to be around me, to mentor and guide me back towards normalcy. I really wish I had that person in my life, but I am just as bad with relationships. I only have 1 friend as a matter of fact.
Thank you for listening.
Blue.
