I feel so lost and deeply sad that nothing can cheer me up again!

[Spinifex]

Hi all,

Been trying so hard to keep my inner strength intact and then I realise i have been putting a mask on my emotions that i feel like i am coming apart at the seams. I am fighting the hardest battle in my life. Myself. Coming right back to this dont fit in to this world again feeling. My real battle is that i know i have most of the answers to my own problems but get so lost then i get oozing waves of deppressed emotions so strong that causes  panic attacks and feelings of uselessness. Everthing is such an effort and i am feel like i am winging even when i am seeking help and support. I am unemployed Horticulturist and reached a point in my life being 50 years old that time is flying by and yet i cringe every day i waste away with sabotaging thought processes and realising i am not very employable due to unreliability due to not coping eventhough i have tried cbt and councellors. How do you guys hold down a job when you're moods fluctuate  that it impacts your performance reguraly? Does anybody actually understand me here? I read the newspaper today and upon reading the latest cases of terrible domestic violence i cried like a baby. Whats my problem i said to myself but i am still deppressed to the core. Hope to chat to somebody who understands me.Mick

[Gracexo]

I'm feeling the same way!!!!

[Tony64]

I hear you Mick.  I've felt like that myself, more often than not in my life.  I just turned 51 a couple of weeks ago and I've suffered from depression almost my entire life..  I wish I had a string of magic words well put together that would take away your unwanted feelings but I don't I have them.  All I can tell you is that you're not alone brother.  What you've done here is a good thing, talking about things with people you feel safe talking to is a good start.  Getting things off your chest feels good so keep it up mate.

[Sawyer]

Hi Mick,

Let's slow things down and tackle one thing at a time. You sound overwhelmed and that's natural considering all the things you have going round inside your head right now, I have experienced it to, as have many others, so we know how debilitating and exhausting it can be.

Firstly, if you are able, try to find somewhere quiet to sit down and relax, or a quiet activity that you may feel will be therapeutic for you. For you that may be something outdoorsy, however it may also be quite the opposite given that your work is involved with what you're going through. For me I like to play piano or something else tactile like juggling or shooting hoops. If nothing comes to mind, just try to sit, breathe deeply, slowly. Focus on your breathing and nothing else. You can also try listing in your head what you can see, what you can touch, what you can hear and what you can smell. These techniques are known as grounding and can help when we are experiencing panic or anxiety. I always found imagining an object in great detail in my mind, building it from the ground up in every intricacy, to be similarly helpful.

Now, you've spoken a lot about how you are feeling, but what do you think is causing how you are feeling, primarily. What would you list as the 1 biggest stressor on your condition right now. And what would you say is your number 1 goal right now. Do you feel it is to do with your feelings about ageing and employment prospects? or are they more offshoots of a different problem.

Life can be so incredibly complex and hectic sometimes, our problems, thoughts and emotions can get so tangled and entwined together that it can seem impossible to see where the whole mess starts. But if we trace it back, we can often find that there is one major stressor that is being reflected across many aspects of our life. And as you say, you have the answers to these questions, but there is absolutely no shame, no nuisance, no problem, in asking for help when we need it, and you have done a good thing by speaking up.

Here to talk,

Sawyer

[Guest_9466]

Mick, 

 Just want to let you know that I can empathised with how you are feeling right now because I have been there, several times. However, it does get better, with treatment.

It may return again, the feeling of despair but the it doesn't linger as long. Just hang in there.

[Helanlight]

Hi,

I can relate to how you feel.  I'm 50 also and certainly feeling the effects of my age.  All my life I've struggled with feelings of not fitting in, getting a job, being my own worst enemy and wasting time.

I recently read a book: 'Essays in Love' by Alain de Botton in which he says, "there is a great difference between identifying a problem and solving it, between wisdom and the wise life".  I think that he's spot on there.  A person can know what to do but be incapable of doing it!

I'm in the job I've had for a few years now and it can be difficult getting to work with fluctuating moods.  Strategies I use include telling myself:

• I'm helping others by going to work
• If I take the day off it would affect my clients
• No-one can do the job as well as I can (in fact most times no-one can do the job at all)
• If I stay home I'm going to feel useless and miserable
• If I stay home I'm going to miss the company of my co-workers

 Doesn't work all the time but most times.  By the way, have you considered doing volunteer work?  I reckon it's a great way to re-connect.

Cheers,  Hxx

[geoff]

dear Spinifex, thanks for posting your comment although I see that you been on here before, which is also great.

The reason you feel ' not very employable due to unreliability due to not coping' is obviously because of how you feel, and I also wonder whether any treatment has been done by people that you have related to or you felt comfortable with, so can I suggest that you click onto 'Get Support' to find a counsellor that you could be happy with, and then start afresh with them.

When we are in a situation like you are in, we believe that we could have all the answers to our problems, but the trouble is that we can't put our finger on exactly what it is, although we may believe that we know, how untrue this can be, because firstly we can't pin point what it is as all the other problems jump on board, so our mind gets so confused, so we can't solve a single problem let alone half a dozen or so, and this only makes us cross, annoyed and frustrated.

Being 50 is still classified as being able to work, so please don't let that hold you back, but before you can recognise this you need to be able to overcome your other problems, so please have a look under 'get support', or you could ring the BB line. Geoff.

[Spinifex]

Thank you Tony, nice to hear from you and great to hear that there are people who understand buddy.I will certainly open up and take on board the advice from all you guys I will begin  by trying to answer some of the questions from fellow posters below. Thanks again. Talk soon Mick

 to hear from you

[Spinifex]

HiSaywer,

Thanks for responding mate, I will try and give you a better picture of what has been my most overwhelming stressor. I do have a natural ability to connect with nature and being a horticulturist I have and still try to breathe and connect on my good days to the natural environment,  it is with great sadness that even this infinite connection i have with plants and trees that when i feel like i do now as panicked and  missplaced i lose interest and feel defeated in my attempts to stay grounded and focussed.

Now as I begin to focus on the main stressor it would be as i said failure. While my third marriage is now being dissolved my wife and I are soul mates so no extreme dramas there but living together while i am feeling like this is what i mean comming apart at the seams. My feelings of low self esteem and feeling lost are so strong that I have to struggle to get out of bed to see the sunshine during the day but return empty in spirit in the afternoon. I thankyou for your concern and look forward to chatting more. I will see help posts. Regards Mick

[Spinifex]

Thankyou Morning glory, Its great to hear that people like yourself reach out and understand me. I will hang in there for sure. Many thanks. MICK