Adoption related Depression and Anxiety

Robbie81 · ‎12-09-2015

Hi,

I have recently been diagnosed with Depression and anxiety. I believe that I have been suffering badly from these illnesses for about 3 years , however the more i learn about Depression and anxiety i believe that this has been around my whole life.

I was adopted at 4 months of age and I feel a lot of my issues relate to being adopted, abandoned and never feeling i fitt in with my adoptive family. I would like to speak with anyone who has a similar experience or even adoptive or birth parents to get their perspective.

Thanks.

Cam.

white knight · ‎12-09-2015

Hi Cammo,

I am not in the "sphere" of the reply you ask. But my words might help just a little and my reply also will bump it up the list a little so others might reply. Hoping.

If you haven't met your birth parent/s then I'm thinking along the lines of how could you know all the characteristics that they have. eg perhaps one might have passed down depression or other mental illness that you are tying in with the situation of your adoption rather than that such illness came from a bloodline? I say this because you accept that anxiety and depression has "been around my whole life" so logic tells me there is a degree of possibility that you were born with these.

I am thinking of the TV show "who do you think you are" when people track their family tree. So many times people, once they know all the details of that tree, that they say "it all makes sense now". eg Rove McManus when he said his artistic side was reflective of his great grandfather who was an artist etc.

It must be so hard and I take my hat off to you for pursuing this and finding the courage to post here. Keep going whatever you do.

Take care. Tony WK

Robbie81 · ‎12-09-2015

Hi Tony WK,

Thanks for your reply. I have been in contact with my birth mother, she sought contact with me when I was 16, I found this very difficult as i always had a lot of hate and resentment for her growing up for having 'given me away' I probably wasn't ready for it at the time. She does also suffer with depression so i guess it may be genetic too. I have struggled to maintain contact with her as she finds it very difficult to cope with the emotion of it all. We lost contact for several years until i had my first child, I then felt the need to re-connect with where i and my new daughter come from. Things where good initially but we again struggled to maintain contact. I have a good relationship with my half brother we are almost like identical twins both in looks and personality, hobbies ect. I also see my birth grandparents a few times a year. I have not yet searched for my birth father which I think may be important although this would involve asking my birth mother for details which would be painful for both of us.

You are correct in saying that alot of things make sense after meeting with my birth mothers family, the biggest problem is the in-between i am stuck in where i dont fit in with my adoptive family, and my family that I do fit in with i am an outsider, welcome but not really a part of the family.

I have my own beautiful children now but it is very confusing, especially as i feel like I have suppressed my feelings and this secret for so many years.

white knight · ‎13-09-2015

Hi Robbie,

Well seems you have achieved a hell of a lot since 16yo. Can I divert a little because your experience reminds me so much about a flip side to this.

At 21yo I lived with a lady 27yo and she ha a 2yo child when we met. She had had a daughter adopted at 15yo, married to another guy at 20yo, miscarried twins at 22yo, another miscarriage at 24yo and gave birth to her son at 25yo. By that time she was a wreck and was heavily medicated for psychiatric treatment. Throughout the years we were together I knew the pain level she experienced from not knowing the whereabouts of her adopted out daughter.

20 years after we split I was in the area and visited. Her son unfortunately died by his own hand and he himself had mental illness issues. So my immediate thought was for her daughter that would be 42yo. I asked her. Yes, her daughter found her, they started a relationship. I was elated for her. Her daughter had a good strong united family which also meant she had a stable family. The relationship between birth mum and daughter slipped away. In the mothers words- she seemed to not need me. So sad.

But I don't believe it. I believe the resentment from her daughter had built up or was built in and understandably so but sometimes relationships in our lives need hard work before the cobwebs can fall away. I advised her to talk to her daughter and say to her "I have no expectations from you but over time maybe you'll grow to reach out just that little bit more so we can be more united. I am your mum and I will always reach out".

Then as I drove away I thought about her. At 15yo she was forced by her parents to adopt the child out. She was one of 11 siblings both younger and older than her and in the late 1960's and early 1970's that's the way it was.

I understand you are neither in the family nor out of it. That would be tough to endure. But keep going, visit regularly even if you think its a one way relationship. Reaching out to others is a gift. Every post here, all 2070 of them to date have been made with not a whisker of desire for reward. So give the gift of love to your family and ignore your difficulties. Use email if you like, so easy, so valuable.

Seek out reading threads here about how to manage your depression. Hoping someone has been adopted here reading this for help.

My view. Tony WK

Robbie81 · ‎14-09-2015

Hi Tony,

thanks for sharing your experience with me, it is interesting to hear about the other side of the story. My birth mother was also very young at 14 and i completely understand why she did what she thought was best for me. As you said unfortunately you cannot help that there is always going to be some tension and issues around what is a very awkward relationship. Having me and giving me up was a horrific experience that changed her life for ever , but she loves me.

knowing that I was given up (especially after having my own babies) and raised by a family that never understood me changed my life forever. But she never gave up on me and came looking for me. I love her. As for my father well that's another story! I have since contacted my birth mother and told her that I am here for her, love her and am ready to talk when she is. It was warmly received and hopefully we will catch up soon .

I have struggled to find a counsellor or psychologist that can understand the situation but i have an appointment later this week with a counsellor who is adopted herself so hopefully that will be a positive experience. I am also considering going along to an adopted support group but im not sure about that yet.

Thanks again for listening.

white knight · ‎14-09-2015

Hi Robbie

"later this week with a counsellor who is adopted herself so hopefully that will be a positive experience."

awesome Robbie.

Tony WK