I feel like I'm drowning

[Guest_3712]

Hi friends  

                                                                                                                                                                                                                           ,As   As usual I am humbled that you have responded ..Most times I post without really expecting a reply from anyone as my problems are insignificant in comparison to so many others. I log on mainly to check how all our friends are doing, and are comforted when I see Neil, Geoff, jo ,mares, GA, and so many others ( sorry didn't mean to leave out names) have reached out again.Then I feel guilty that I don't respond to enough people and just take ,take take.

.Is it just me but does depression make you selfish? It always seems to be about me. Currently I am feeling so overwhelmed and I can't see my doc for another 3 weeks because when he can see me I am working, and being in a new job I can't take time off 

.But damn it he should drop everything and make time for me shouldn't he ? I mean I'm sure I have paid for his last holiday with all my sessions - he owes me right?

Ok starting to lose it. one of my major symptoms are catastrophising things. I know this but can't seem to help it. I feel like I'm drowning . I hold onto the float as long as I can, go about my day, my life, pretend all is ok but really I am white knuckling it I start to have panic attacks and anxiety becomes my second name.

I want to wake in the morning and not have my first thought, " That's right I have depression" I want to not take medications because the alternative is too awful to think about, and I want to be honest with people and say ,"no I'm not OK"

.Too much to ask? It must be because it doesn't change.

Be kind to yourself friends

Stressless

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi again Stressless, 

Never feel like you don't give on this site. It isn't about how much you post, but that you come here when you need help. There are times when I can't post much myself, too caught up in the storm in my head. Post as much as you can, as much as you need and no more. 

I know what you mean about it feeling selfish. Its just so hard to get past our own heads though, and it is something we can't do alone. I received yet another distressing message from my ex, post break up, and I went into my friends room, feeling terrible for disturbing her on Mothers Day. I asked if I could bug her about my ex again and felt so bad, but she said that if I need to just rant about him and ask someone about how I should respond, then I should do that. 

I feel bad enough for imposing on her at the moment, so I am helping out more around the house. I want to be out in my own place, but I haven't started on centrelink yet, let alone have a job of my own. Its been almost a year since I worked, I don't know if I can. Thing is if I want my own place, I am going to have to. So I guess I am being selfish now so I can be less selfish later. If my friend ever needs help, you can bet I'll be there for her, if I can. 

I probably posted too much about myself, but I guess the point is that if you need to be selfish now, than  do so. You can be less selfish later.

In terms of your problem, I understand that you need to see your doc sooner. Is there no way you can re arrange shifts, or take just an hour off to get back to work later? I really think your mental health is important, and a day off, even you say you are sick that day, is betterthan having a breakdown. I don't know if you can, as I don't know where you work, but you do sound like you need an appointment sooner rather than later. 

I also know the drowning feeling all to well. I left it far too long, sunk too far if you will, before I got help and that help ended bieng the hospital because I was too fused with my thoughts to get myself out of it. If you need help bb, the forums, the help line and your local mental health team are there to help, until you can get to an appointment. 

I do worry for you though Stressless. 

GA

[Guest_3712]

Hi GA,

you are so sweet to concern yourself about me. your journey has been rough and now to have this added pressure from your husband is so unfair.

please don't doubt yourself about working. If you remember I hadn't worked for 5 years and then actually got myself a job 3 months ago.

This is actually my saving grace. when I am at work I feel the most 'normal'.

 It gives me confidence and self esteem and it forces me to look after myself. too  bad it all goes to hell when I go home.

The paycheck is the best thing though , again good for the old ego.

My doc is too far away to duck off for an hour but I will try and ring him this week. sometimes a phone call will help as he is very intuitive..

I'm glad you have a such a good friend to rely on. She is also lucky to have you.

Don't worry about me just

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Stressless, 

You know having a job would make me feel normal. It would also be good to have paycheck. I couldn't sleep for hours last night, so I spent hours browsing clothes that I always wanted but He didn't approve of, hair dye colours and best of all, the new bedspread and mink blanket I will get when centrelink kicks in. At the moment I am using one from the start of our relationship, but it reminds me too much of him and us. I want to replace it with something reflecting my tastes, and donate this one to the op shop. 

Again far more me in this post than I should have put in. It just sort of tumbled out. iI am glad you are calling your doc. I hope you can get something sooner. 

GA

[emmalou]

Hi Stressless

I know just how you are feeling right now.  For the past couple of months, I have felt like I'm drowing.  Like things have just become too much and I can't cope.  I finally realised what was happening and that I was falling into depression again. I too, was like you and wanted to pretend that everything was fine and wanted to tell my friends and family that everything was fine, but everything was not fine and you know what?  It's okay to say so.  It's perfectly okay to tell people that you are feeling depressed.

It takes a strong person to admit when they aren't feeling so great.  Be strong, Stressless and go get that help that you deserve!  There is absolutely nothing wrong with it.  Today I took time off work and saw my doctor.  She was fantastic and very understanding.  She put me back on anti-depressants and got me into a counselling program that is subsidised by the government, where I get 6 - 10 free sessions with a psychologist. 

No job out there is as important as your mental health!!!!!  So take time out today or tomorrow and explain to your new boss that you aren't feeling that great and that you need to see your doctor immediately!  Don't put your job ahead of your happiness. 

I hope my advice has helped a little.  I wish you all the luck in the world.

Emma

[Jo3]

Hi Stressless,

I am writing to you to say hi I'm thinking of you.

Is it possible for you to have a day off work and see your GP.  Your health is important and I am sure your work will be okay with that.

Pls let us know how you go

Take care

Jo xx

[Guest_3712]

Hi Emma,

thanks for your repose and I know what you are saying is true

It's just that I am so wary of  my situation going to hell if I bring up the D word to my hubby- I've put him through so much and work doesn't know any of my history and I was employed only because I insisted I had no issues  that  would prevent me from working my shifts

ironically I am only able to reply to you today because I had tto leave work sick.

I have worked myself into such a state and also let my meds run out that I've had chronic stomach problems all morning and could no longer stand at work.

Great ! what a loser . I love my job and new found self esteem and am jeopardising it .

history repeating itself I fear

Be kind to yourself Emma

Stressless

[Guest_3712]

Hey Jo,

thanks for your thoughts, it helps to know you have friends that think about you despite their own issues

I will ring my psych tomorrow when he is in his rooms and hopefully I will sort out some stuff. At the moment I am experiencing physical discomfort with stomach issues relating to the stress which has made me leave work early.

hoping this doesn't effect my work record as I do have a strong work ethic but I couldn't even stand properly this morning- I have to get a grip or I will lose everything I've achieved in the last few months.

take care Jo and

Be kind to yourself

Stressless