I often wonder if I'm just not strong enough

[ChatteBleue]

I just took the depression/anxiety checklist and I rank 39 (high). I'm female, in my 30s and I have kids. I've had to deal with depression about 10 years ago when I had two miscarriages, it was so bad I wanted to die. I would self-harm and I ended up being hospitalized for over a week. All I could think of was how much hated myself and I was trying to find ways out of my suffering.

Since last September -- for the first time in years since becoming a stay-at-home-mom -- I was hired and had a great job but then I was laid off a few days before Christmas. My grandpa passed away in the meantime and I ended up returning on welfare with hardly enough money to get by. Now I struggle with dark thoughts of worthlessness, hopelessness that resemble the ones I had 10 years ago. It scares me but I don't want to mention it to anybody. I'm full of shame and disgust with myself, My drive and energy has disappeared, I struggle with everyday tasks and I often wonder if I'm just not strong enough to handle life's hardships.

[JessF]

Hello ChatteBleue, I read a letter in the paper today from a very smug person saying that it was easy to keep a job if you were hard working and turned up every day. It made me furious, really, unfortunately in the real world bad things do happen to good people and it sounds like you have your fair share of those. That does not make you a bad person, though, not at all.

Are you strong enough to handle life's hardships? Yes you are. You overcame two miscarriages to become a loving mum to your children.  It is very scary when those dark thoughts come back when we think we've conquered them, but sometimes it can be helpful to compare mental illness to something that recurs, like a bad back or a knee injury. Physical injuries like those can go dormant for years and then spring back out of nowhere; they don't carry the stigma of mental illness though.  Very few people would feel the shame, disgust and hopelessness over a physical illness.

What I'm trying to say is that I understand how you are feeling and how bleak it seems now, but you have overcome this before and you will be able to again. It would be a good idea to start by going to see your doctor and reaching out for that professional help so you're not doing this all on your own, and you can talk to us here anytime as well.

[White_Rose]

Hello ChatteBleue

I am so sorry you are sad and lonely and feeling the effects of this awfulness.  It's not nice, to put it mildly.

Your feelings are understandable, it's part of the depression as you will remember from 10 years ago.  When life deals such huge blows to your life it can really pull you down.

I would like to echo Jess' comments about going to see your doctor.  At the moment you need all the help you can get so please make an appointment soon.

Being strong is a funny thing.  I hear of people doing heroic deeds and say "Wow, I could never do that."  But strength and courage are not only for big deeds.  We show our strengths every day.  You have children to care for and every day you find the strength to do this.  It probably does not seem that way to you because you do it every day.  And anyway, that's what moms are for.  But as a mom I can assure you it is no easy task and if you are on your own, which I gather from your post, the task is even bigger.

So pat yourself on the back for that.  Also for finding a job.  I can imagine your hurt and disappointment to lose the job, particularly at Christmas, but you have shown you can find work and hold a job.  That's great.  Again courage and determination.

I am constantly ashamed at myself for being depressed.  I hate it, just like everyone else. And of course community values make us feel worse.  At times I feel so bad I want to get of planet.  I hold on because I want to win.  And every time I get over it and move on is a time to remember and give me courage for the next time.

Do you have any strategies to keep you safe at these times?  This is another reason to consult your doctor.

I will stop here, but I look forward to reading more posts from you and to know that you have made that appointment.

Regards

White Rose