I feel like I have no purpose

[Guest_73347223]

Hi 

I am sorry to write this way because I feel like I am being ungrateful but I just don't know what is wrong with me. I have realised for a long time I have had this pervasive thought of noone would care if I wasn't here any more. I think this thought was really drilled down when I was my grandma's primary carer for 6 months. She had unfortunately developed dementia and came to live with me and my parents. My parents struggled to cope with this situation and so I did most of her care, every day. It was challenging but also rewarding because my grandma is such a beautiful woman and it was my privilige to look after her. But that whole time I just felt so alone. I felt like my family didn't care about me, my siblings never rang to see how we were. They only really criticized from afar . My dad was in denial that my nan had dementia and he said some pretty cruel things to me when I was caring for her. He told me it would be easier if I wasn't here and he said that I was only looking after my nan for my own validation and I was being selfish. My mum threatened to leave or k*ll herself if my nan wasn't put in a home. I just wanted to do what was best I was only 19 and was trying the best I could to care for my lovely nan. I know I did a good job but now I just feel empty. I feel like I don't really have anyone and feel like my family still don't care. I am trying to keep going as am doing medicine at uni and really trying because I want to help people. That is all I want to do. But I just am feeling lost. I have struggled with self h*rm before and have really wanted to not be here anymore. But I don't really know what to do now.

ELS

[tranzcrybe]

You have done your Nan proud, and while dementia can feel like the walls have closed in, rest assured that caring is something that is felt rather than said.

Reasoning, while pragmatic and readily justified to suit one's own ends, is no substitute for acting on love in giving of yourself within the limits of capacity.

I respect your standing up to advocate for Nan's care in the sanctity of your own home and not yielding to pressure to do otherwise - at least until there was no more that could be done.
A side effect to such selflessness might be the reflection you have shown to your parent's and siblings' inaction leading to some ill feeling, but I commend you for following your heart.

The void you feel will become filled with conviction to lead by example even in the face of opposing views.

Embrace your self determination and pursue your aspirations with confidence.

As Alexander Pope wrote, “Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.”

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at a time in your life that comes with so much questioning.

I believe that some people are born to be raisers, like yourself. Such people can raise people through physical challenges, mental challenges or soulful/soul destroying ones. Sometimes it can involve a combo of all 3 factors. It can be in a raiser's nature to be deeply feeling and thoughtful. It can also be in their nature to be a visionary (with the ability to see the best way forward at times), while also perhaps being intuitive. With the intuitive side of things, the kind of dialogue that comes to mind may be 'You have got to help this person, they need you' or 'This is what they're struggling with...(with the reasons for the struggle/s naturally coming to mind)'. It can also be in a raiser's nature to be able to experience both sides of the same coin, the light/bright side and the dark side. To be deeply feeling can also involve being able to feel deeply challenging emotions. To be thoughtful can involve not just enlightening thoughts but dark thoughts too. To be a visionary can involve not just seeing the best way forward but also the most depressing or stressful way or not being able to see a way at all. With inner dialogue, what comes to mind at times can feel torturous. If the so called 'angel on one shoulder' offers divine and uplifting inspirational stuff, the 'devil on the other' can be challenging at times with stressful or depressing stuff. From one end of the spectrum to the other, we can experience an enormous range in regard to thought, feeling, sensitivity etc. While this is one area where a raiser of others may face challenges, the challenges may not stop there.

While it can be possible to recognise our overall purpose (raising people), sometimes that's not enough. Unless we're fulfilling our purpose in specific ways, life can feel a bit empty at times. Kind of like if you can feel the gaps in between raising people, the gaps may have a sense of emptiness to them. Also, if fulfilling our purpose is something that gives us a high, we might feel a low when we're not in the process of raising someone. One way to fill in the gaps can involve raising our self. I smile when I say I find myself to be one of the most challenging people to raise😁. At times I can be a gal who's too thoughtful (full of thought), without enough action taking place in my life. At times I can sense no constructive inner dialogue. At times I can't see a damn thing through my imagination, when it comes to the best way forward. And for me to manage my emotions, I'm not always conscious of what they're actually about, until I become conscious of them. The challenge to raise our own level of consciousness can be a huge challenge at times. Raising our self can definitely feel like a full time job on occasion. Whether the challenge is about raising our levels of dopamine, raising our level of consciousness, raising our self to experience that which serves the soul, there's plenty to keep us occupied while in between raising others. If you're someone who's managed to amaze yourself at times and if you're a deeply caring and thoughtful person then, technically, you're an amazing, deeply caring and thoughtful person who's well worth raising. Don't let anyone lead you to believe otherwise 🙂