I dont know who I am

[Artistaffame]

A bit of a back story. I came from a dysfunctional family. At 11 my dad left and around that time I became my mums fulltime carer. She had a baby a few years later and I quit school and started raising him while taking care of her. I took care of her for 23 years and he's now a 21 yo. She passed away last year and I've since been diagnosed with depression anxiety and PTSD. Today after getting into an argument with my brother (he was angry at me) I realized I have no idea of who I really am. I dont know what I like or what I pretend to like. I always seem to go along with whatever other people are saying. I never disagree with anyone because I dont want them to hate me. I know the relationship with my mum was codependent i would never get mad at her in case she got mad or it caused an arguement. I also act different and my likes chsnge depending who im with. Im so confused right now

[white knight]

Hi Artistaffame, welcome

I undetstand your plight. Suppression of your true free self is tough. But you can look at it another way- an opportunity to find yourself and enjoy every minute of life thereon.

Start with some paper and a pen. Write down things that interest you, anything that vould turn into a hobby. Pursue it. You like dolls, visit markets and start collecting like my cousin that knits her dolls outfits, as an example.

Gardening is so satisfying. Sports of low impact. Interaction with others allows you to open up your expression.

A tip, ask questions. Questions are things others like to answer.

Music. Its subjective, we all like our own type of songs. Attend concerts. That is a big part of you.

Google- Topic: the balance of your life- beyondblue

There is also a new thread running called "do you love yourself" by blondeguy. Have a read.

Hope you enjoy this site

Tony WK

[geoff]

hello Artistaffame, you have been wonderful helping your mother, but in the mean time you lost all sense of worth, because all your demands were coming from your mum, so you didn't have any chance to develop on your own, it was steered by what your mother wanted and then to bring up her son it was no better, it was a stay at home situation 24/7.
Anything you thought you liked were taken over by what others had said to you, so like obeying to your mum, that's what you did with other people, your mind had been blocked from expanding, you had no real life on your own and didn't how to entertain yourself if and when you were with friends.
When you go and see a psychologist they are going to ask you what you like doing or whether you have any hobbies you can concentrate on, and if you are like me when I was first asked, I couldn't provide an answer, there were hobbies that I used to like but not anymore, so that's when I had to go back to my basic thoughts, I loved my puppie and that was how I started to learn moreabout myself.
Take her for a walk and meet other people also doing the same, so it became a familar event, meet the same people at the same time and then learn to grow from there on. Geoff.

[White_Rose]

Dear Artistaflame

Hello and a warm welcome to Beyond Blue. I am so pleased you found your way here, it's a great start to the beginning of the rest of your life.

I gather that you have received the above formal diagnosis from psychiatrist or psychologist. Does this mean you are receiving therapy from this person? I hope someone is working with you, guiding you to make your own life. I think it will have huge benefits for you.

Do you have a job? I think it would be a little difficult entering the workforce after all the time you have spent with your mom. You gave up a lot to take care of her, leaving school has probably meant you have few qualifications. It was also a huge burden for such a young girl, especially taking care of a baby. It's your time now and I want to help you find a new life.

I know what it is like to be too nervous to answer back to anyone as this was the situation with my husband. I think it has made me very unsure when there are men around. I have learned to say my piece when I want. Quite a journey.

Tony WK has made some suggestions about thinking what you would like to do and if you can do this that will be good. I do wonder if you have been outside the your home much other than on necessary errands. I suggest you start by walking. Walk round the block, walk to the nearest park, walk to the local coffee shops etc. I think you get the picture. Exercise when we are depressed does wonders for both physical and mental health as I discovered yesterday when I returned to my weekly exercise class. I felt so much more positive at the end.

Do you have a dog? That would be a great companion for you and something to focus on. You can both get your exercise when you go walking and again it gets you out of the house.

Does your name have a meaning? I wonder if you are suggesting you are an artist. That would be a great hobby to spend lots of time on. I used to paint a little and could spend hours lost in the painting. What about music? Can you play an instrument or would you like to play an instrument. I'm not suggesting these things will make you well again but they will go a long way in helping you. These are the kind of activities which can help you find yourself again, and at the same time soothe your soul. I understand going along with others and not making decisions on your own. May I suggest you write the pros and cons of any decision and then choose, so you will not be swayed by the opinions of others.

Please write in again.

Mary