just rambling here: depression and frustration (and a trigger warning!)

[CJs_mum]

hi just going over (and over and over) old stuff here I know...and all I have has been written about already, but I still can't seem to work, move, be a part of the world, focus, feel, try.

There have been some brilliant posts about how to overcome that feeling of "nothingness", having a bad day or just feeling like there's something missing in your heart and finding something to fill it.
I thank you all for posting up the initial question or feeling - very brave of you - and to all those who replied with helpful tips or how you feel too/your agreement - you guys rock!....
But....
I'm going to be "Norbert the Negative" here and say what if even THEN you can't get up and move - do something or feel anything at all?
What if you've tried everything and just blah - you just feel blank all the time anyway? I mean ALL the time. Not just "having a bad day" or being a little down for a couple of days, i mean 24/7 every day of the year.

Ok sometimes i feel a bit happy, sometimes I even show that, but mostly inside, i have no feelings at all. There's just nothing.

Background here - forgive me for rambling and making NO sense....i haven't been able to be all that amicable with others, communicate clearly and with well-thought out answers, think straight or even be comprehensible for a while now:
I'm not on drugs (meds, nor that illegal shite)!
I do sleep, but lately that sleep is all over the place and tonight I've had none at all. That's kinda normal for me - mainly due to the points above and below.

Relationships:
I have an amazing, wonderful, laid-back, easy going, patient and very supportive boyfriend. He's amazing....but i hate to say this, I don't feel anything for him. It's not that I don't love him! I do, well, i think i do. I really appreciate him, for sure!
He's like no one I've ever met! He's so good to me, treats me beautifully, the way I've always wished I could be treated....So why am I not happy? Its frustrating. I don't feel something - I don't feel the way he shows me love. It's weird. I never used to be like this. I would give my heart 100% to those around me and was abused for it, now I'm being treated well, I just cant give even 1% - or it seems to me that way.

To be continued...

[white knight]

Hi

I think its safe to suggest professional help is your best journey. I cant see how we can help further.

Your lack of feelings for your bf might be due to your condition.

I can list many threads you can google that might assist. Some snippets might help.

Topic: be radical- beyondblue

Topic: motivation, search and rescue it- beyondblue

Topic: depression and the timing of motivation- beyondblue

Topic: clear the road, I'm on my way- beyondblue

[Croix]

Dear CJs_Mum~

Ok, you may have been told this before - I apologize if so, however I've only found some of your posts.

You said I don't feel anything for him. It's not that I don't love him! I do, well, i think i do.

When I was right down with PTSD, depression and anxiety this was one of the things that worried and puzzled me. There were lots of other things in my mind, all black and hopeless, but this particular thing you might relate to:

I did not feel anything, had no love for my wife or son, did not feel anything for them at all, did not know if I was even capable of love. It was as if I, my emotions and and all the world was on one side of a pane of thick glass and 'me' was on the other, completely separated and divorced, maybe observing, maybe just existing.

So I was directionless, had no standards, frightened and confused. Did not know what love was. Maybe still knew hate - I don't remember.

I've trotted all this unpleasant stuff out in the hope that there is something that seems just a bit similar to you, because if there is then take heart from the fact that it passed and I improved though hospital, medication, therapy and the love, patience and understanding of my wife. The disassociation was entirely an effect of illness.

We had 25 years together all told, if it was not for her I doubt I'd be here. There were so many times when she kept going despite me not responding, not showing care - just avoidance, indifference or resentment. I owed her a great debt.

I'm in a pretty good place now, remarried when my wife died and have had a further 20+ years of giving and receiving love.

Dear CJs_Mum, you are literate, intelligent, have humor and I think you should have hope too.

Please have a glance at White Knights' recommendations too, he always offers good stuff.

Croix

[CJs_mum]

Hey guys. Wow,thank you!! Yes, I was avoiding seeing a professional but I see now I do need to... definitely needed to get some stuff off my chest that day and felt better for throwing a part of a larger problem out into the BB world. Thanks for being there to read my mixed up rambling lol. There was so much more I could have ranted about but a post on here about how we are All on a journey, we All hit speed bumps and no matter what we do we can all have bad days etc shifted my focus and changed my mindset at the time.

Glad for your help, responses and thoughts.

thank you both for showing kindness. I wish for hope and healing and not too many "speed bumps" along your journeys.

All the best

[CJs_mum]

Ohhh Croix you made me cry. How can I thank you both enough.

Croix you deserve so many good things and I'm so glad you're here!! I'm sorry to bring up old bad stuff I hope it helped to talk it over again and for you to see you're not that person now.

Ah it is you and white knight who are intelligent and articulate and I'm thankful.

keepup your amazing work and bein the bright incredible people you are 🙂 as the t-shirt says "Be~YOU-tiful

[CJs_mum]

Hi a shout out to you two, a thank you to both. I'm truly grateful to you two.

Im not coping, but Im not here to whinge or nope for too long, just wanted to say it's thanks to you guys I'm outside walking a fair bit and because of that and your kind thoughtful words, I'm starting to feel again, not be so numb. I'm trying, holding on to hope again. At least we all have that 🙂 hugs and gratitude for you.

may good things come to you

[geoff]

hello CJs_mum, I've read your post back in March plus the comments by Tony and Croix which you really appreciated and that's terrific, but am I correct in saying that you're not feeling well again maybe because of your r/ship with your b/friend, if not then I'm sorry to even mention it.
Depression can come and go it depends on your circumstances and even though you think you are OK maybe just a blanket pretending that you will feel better tomorrow, but it's such a powerful illness that once we have it, it's always with us, and by saying that, we can still live a life that suits us, unfortunately now for you you are struggling once again.
No one who posts a comment is 'whinging', they are hurting and need to have the support and all the help we can give them just to make them feel as though there are people who actually care for them, please I hope you will get back to us. Geoff.

[Croix]

Dear CJs_mum~

Well you do come up with some good phrases:-

To be continued...

I'm glad you found something here to help you keep on. Geoff has basically summed it all up, depression is a lifetime gift but we can still live a life that suits us.

Also a Little Whinging is where Harry Potter lives, you are more than entitled to say when you are down - how else would we know you might need support?

Hope is a gift, but it is a funny one, because if you give it to someone it can reflect back and give the giver hope too. Seeing you have some helps me.

Coping - it sometimes means posting here. Sometimes it means more, are you seeing the professional you talked about as yet?

Post here and 'sitrep' as often as you would like

Croix