Newbie, starting to finally get things out of my head

[Shev]

Most nights I lie in bed telling myself how useless I am, I am not worth anything, the world will still function without me. I am working full time and studying at nights where I find myself easily distracted. Then I start hitting myself (just with words) saying how useless I am, why didn’t
I just study and do the work. Why can’t I? Not doing the work just makes me stay up the next night, but the same thing happens. Why can’t I just do the work!! I could then go to bed with my wife, she must feel lonely, it is my fault. I am useless. I am a useless, no hoper Idiot. It’s not
just study. Why couldn’t I ring that person today for work, why couldn’t I pick up the phone and ring? Why couldn’t I send that email, I now what I need to say and do, why can’t I do it? I know my manager thinks I can’t do my job. I know I can, but why can’t I?

Am I a failure? I do have a beautiful family that I love dearly. My kids love me, I think, no yes they do (why do I sometimes think that they wouldn’t?). My wife says she loves me. So why do I think that she would be better off without me? I feel sometimes that my kids might be
better off without me, but I know they would be better with me. I keep waiting for my wife to tell me that’s it, that I am useless and she has found someone else that makes her happy. But she hasn’t yet?

Why can’t I talk to my wife about this? I go through all these emotions at night, and tell myself that in the morning I will talk to someone about this. Then in the morning I feel fine. I say to myself, that I am just being an emotional cry-baby at nights get over it you idiot, your fine. I tell no-one.

What is the difference between depression / anxiety and it just being the person you are? What if what I feel is just me, not some disorder that can be fixed? Can being shy, intrinsic and wanting to be alone be mistaken for depression? What if I am imagining these depression feelings to hide what I am? What If I am trying to mask the person I am (compared to the person I want to be) by trying to make myself think I have depression / anxiety, which stops me being the person who I want to be?

I feel like I am useless, what if I actually am? What if going down the path of trying to find if I have depression / anxiety I find that I do not have it? And I am really just a hopeless, useless idiot? Would it be easier to have something to hold on to to blame than find out the truth that I am a failure?

[blondguy]

Hi Shev

Welcome to the forums and good on you for posting too!

You are not a failure in any way. It actually takes a heap of strength to post on here and articulate your thoughts as well as you have.

Have a look at the anxiety & depression checklist at...

www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety-and-depression-checklist-k10

Sometimes we can overthink and concern ourselves with issues that may have not even happened yet.

I see a caring and intelligent person that may just need to have a good 'vent' to a counselor. Your GP is the best bet to get the wheels turning...they have much better training on anxiety & depression nowadays too!

Sometimes our mind can be the 'devils playground' so to speak usually when we have even low level stress whether personal or work our mind can start to 'overthink'. Many of us do it and it can become a pain in itself when we continue to doubt our own self worth.

Scroll down the page and you will see various handy topics under 'The Facts' that should be of help

Ive had over 20 years with depression and anxiety and they can be crippling. I see a ton of self doubt Shev which is common but you have everything to gain and nothing to lose by having a 'tune up' by seeing your GP to start with

Everyone needs to have a really good 'vent' and blow off some steam (thoughts) You will feel much better 🙂

you are not alone here by any means

my kind thoughts

Paul

[SubduedBlues]

Hi Shev

Welcome to BB. Like Paul says, it's not easy to put pen to paper (so to speak) and commit to words what and how we actually feel. However, IMHO, putting pen to paper is a very good step in the right direction. Writing out and articulating our feelings, and posting them online, is an acceptance that

• we truly do feel this way
• we are not sure about ourselves
• we want to change

Sometimes we feel useless because we set a much higher standard for ourselves to reach than we can, and then blame ourselves for not reaching it.

For now, I'd like you to write out those things that you CAN do. I don't accept 'nothing' as a valid answer, as we can all do something. I mean, even the little things like blowing our nose is something. (significant vs insignificant is merely a matter of perspective).

Hear from you soon...
SB

[Coffeebean]

Hi Shev. What you have written is almost exactly the thoughts that go through my head on a bad, bad day. Including - why would anyone believe me?

Please see your GP. I did a month ago, and have been taking an antidepressant since then. I know it's not the cure, but I have found that it stops my negative thoughts from spiralling way down.

You might feel better after a chat, you might do well with some counselling, you might need medication. Even if you are shy or introverted, you still deserve to get help.

CB