i dont know anything

[adri4na_em]

there are so many things i feel that kinda go against eachother. i like to do things but then at the same time im always so unmotivated, everything feels like an effort, but sometimes i like to do things so i feel like everythings an excuse for how i feel. I have no diagnoses, i cant because i dont think my family would even be open to that. i feel so many different things and i feel like no one truly understands me. sometimes i feel like im just lazy and making up excuses for the way i act and im trying to blame something to have a reason why but i feel like i see signs of depression in myself. for maybe almost 3 years now ive just gotten worse. i struggle with pretty bad (i dont know) body image issues that have driven me to want and do certain things (still undiagnosed to). i dont know if my lack of energy and motivated is because of that. (reasons for being tired) or if its the depression i could be speculating. i dont really enjoy anything. i dont have any hobbies. im not interested in anything. i kinda really hate going out unless its something im really excited for. i hate being percieved a lot of the time. i just feel super ugly and sometimes i dont exactly know what my future is going to lead. i dont know what i have going for me exactly. i dont want to die but i also have just no idea what im living for. i dont care about anything that  much. maybe i am just super lazy but i feel like i just want to be understood by someone. i want to know if there is answer to why i feel things that i feel a lot of the time. i want to know whats wrong and why cant i do and want to do a lot of the things that people do. all my friends can do it but why to me does everything feel like the biggest task ever.  like i just cant picture myself really doing anything. i dont know. i spend most of my time, unmotivated to move in my room. i dont like it but i also just dont like doing anything else. a lot of the time im moody. i kinda get irritated easily and i dont mean to be like that. i want to be a great friend and be a really great person but sometimes the way i feel (lacking the motivation to go out with friends soemtimes or just the effort of it all)  makes me feel like i just cant really be a great friend but not in that way. i dont know. i just have so many things to kinda say but cant put it into words.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome.

I realised while reading you well written post was that the issues you describe you have are - well, very common issues. Yes, you might well have depression but that can only be diagnosed by a professional mental health expert and your family, if they are opposed to going to a GP to seek if you do then until you are adult age there's noting you can do about that (assuming you are under 18).

But there is a number of things I'd like to suggest to you that you can do for self help.

1. Lacking a passion/hobby/interest. In your situation without an interest you dont constantly think about that passion which people with such interests do. While at a job working away many people think about golf on Saturday or working on their car that night. But those without a natural passion suffer because you cant dream up a passion, it comes naturally. Think long and hard about any interest- makeup, fashion, sewing, sport and so on.

2. Body shaming. This topic ties in with positive thinking. With PT you will always, on any topic, think about the positives first. Eg you might not have any birth marks thats a positive, you might have all limb, some dont, you might be average height not too small and not very tall. This sort of thinking if implemented can change your view about yourself. BTW from a male perspective- a girl/womans humour and bubbliness can make her the most attractive person in the world. Besides, only focus on what you can change- focussing on negatives that you cant change is self torture and produces nothing but sadness. Read articles online about positive thinking, motivation and attitudes.

3. Switching mindset. Laziness could be caused be depression. But its often a state of mind. While lying on your bed and you think about going for a walk but dont- immediately rise and put on your runners and go!!! read this link- https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/switching-mindsets/td-p/274532/page/2

4. Appreciation. Think about one breath you take. That one breath is a miracle. It's amazing. When you go for a walk watch the bees, the birds, children playing... life can be amazing but most people dont admire life, so they waste it. Google- "youtube maharaji prem rawat sunset" and "all is well" and "appreciate". His work is amazing and google one daily. He could change your life!

I hope I've helped, reply anytime and we can chat further I'm here daily.

Remember- you are unique, special, wonderful, a beautiful human being. Remove your greatest opposition from your life- the side of you that isnt helping you bloom... and fly like a bird.

TonyWK

[adri4na_em]

Thank you so much for  this really positive reply. I really appreciate it and just knowing someone is hearing me out feels good!

ill try to be better. im sure i can be but its genuinely sjust so hard to get up and do whatever i want to do. there are always things i wish to prioritise but i cant picture myself doing it sometimes. youre really right about just  putting my runners on and go because once its done it feels like ive done something more with myself and it feels good. even when i know i wont regret it, the next day its hard to want to get up and do it again even though whatever i did was enjoyable or brought me some type of good feeling. same with anything. my sister once told me to do what needs to be done in the moment to just get it done. its so simple.  itll probably be a very slow process  as with other things. hopefully over time my mindset shifts with how i see myself too. when i picture future me i just think ill magically be better but i know thats not true and its going to take a lot of work. im a few minutes into one of the videos you reccomended and ill be watching them. thank you for your words!!

[white knight]

You've made my day, its great to hit a good note with a reply and I'm also happy you are proactive and watching those videos. 

Re- "picture future me i just think ill magically be better but i know thats not true and its going to take a lot of work."  Not really, the older you get the easier and more natural it becomes. It's wasting grey brain matter worrying about the future.

I have a topic- "expectations". People have expectations about how others behave. This is normal. eg parent have an expectation for their teenage children to do their homework, obey the law, make their bed and so on. Your older sister has her expectations of you and you her etc. When expectations become mentally painful, hurtful and unreasonable then you as a young adult have the right to stand up for yourself. We dont like confrontation but, in the real world after a few hints and requests the next step is firmness and directness to hit home with your views. Make them clear - "excuse me, I do not like being called that name my name is Tony ok"? Any thing that doesnt cause you harm let it go, make a joke out of it. But draw the line and everyone has a different line where its drawn. If someone said "But Tony people call me names and it doesnt worry me". I'd reply "but I'm not you, you have your standards and sensitivities and I have mine, I am not you so thats my line I'm drawing". As you grow up more you'll find that standing up for yourself is essential and if you avoid that then they'll walk all over you. But develop it with that firmness and not anger.

Motivation is often effected by depression, lack of interests, body dislikes etc that lead to a down feeling. I take our dogs for walks and nearly every time something happens. Last week an old lady was taking her groceries inside so I lifted them onto the verandah for her. Sometimes other dogs come by and I chat to the owner. Chatting to people opens up avenues unthought of like mentioning you are looking for work got me a temporary job once concreting. Unfortunately I had a bad back and had to stop but I wouldnt have got that opportunity if I didnt mention I was unemployed. Make your own opportunities.

I'm so glad you are benefitting here. I'll be interested in your next post.

TonyWK

[sbella02]

Adri4na_em,

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us here, welcome to the forums. I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling. That sounds like such a challenging emotional burden to be carrying on your own. I hope writing your experience in here has given you a little relief, or eased your pain somewhat. 

I've lived through a lot of what you're describing. Ruminating about body image and how you're perceived by others, feeling "lazy" or too exhausted to move or do things, lacking motivation, getting irritated easily. If you're willing (and able) to have a chat with a GP or mental health professional, these are all things that a professional can help you work through. 

I would like to echo everything that TonyWK has said. Valuable advice and I would've given very similar suggestions. Try to take every day at a time as much as you can, and seek refuge in those small moments of positivity or happiness. Going outside and immersing yourself in nature can really, really help with this. It helps you feel more connected and reflect on some of those thoughts in a way that feels productive and healthy. 

Recognise those moments when you do achieve small things too. Getting out of bed is an achievement. Having a shower, making something for yourself to eat, even reaching out to these forums. Take pride in those small things when motivation isn't coming naturally to you.

I hope this helps. Please feel free to continue chatting with us more if you'd like, we're here to listen.

Take care, SB