I don’t want help.

[idk_sorry]

idk if something is wrong or not with me. i feel so low and tired everyday. i have no interest in anything and have had no hobbies at all for ages. all i have the energy for is uni and one shift a week for work but even that’s fizzing away but it doesn’t matter because i’ll push myself to do the work anyway because i don’t want to fail and be even more worthless than i already am. i cry so often and my body hurts with ache a lot of the time but i have to keep doing things or i’ll be a failure.

im so afraid of making connections anymore and when i do make a friend i usually have break downs about it later. i just want to isolate as now i see socialising as too taxing on top of uni and work. i just want to be alone.

i live alone and just started my first year of uni. i’m constantly stressed out of my mind that i’m losing sleep and overeating. i keep hurting myself almost daily and on the only day i have free in my week, the night before it i binge drink until i pass out. 

i cant tell if this is a problem or not but either way i don’t think i could ever get help because i don’t want people to worry  about me. it would hurt too much to burden others so i don’t think i can ever do that no matter how much people say i wouldn’t be a burden. i’m too horrible to deserve support anyway i need to pay for existing right?

i don’t know how to fix myself. i’ve tried working on myself before but it just ends up being a distraction or leans into other self destructive behaviours (such a restricting food and over exercising) 

anyway do you think i can keep living like this and it’ll just get better by itself? i’m worried that i’ll get worse but the thing is if i do get worse i still am unable to reach out. i just don’t know what to do. maybe it’s all fine and i’m overreacting about normal things. sorry if i am. 

anyway yeah i’m really sorry i just wanted to get my thoughts out i don’t even really know what i’m asking at this point. i’m so sorry.

[idk_sorry]

Hey

sorry idk where else to go do i just wanted to give an update. somehow things have gotten even worse. my binge drinking has now escalated in frequency to almost every night. i would’ve been day drinking alone today but i have work tomorrow. i’m so tempted to just call in sick just so i can get wasted.
 

When i’m not hungover in the morning, i start sobbing for no reason. i have nothing to cry about yet i do it for hours. it’s so pathetic. 

i feel like a husk. my hopelessness increases everyday. i don’t have anything planned and i’m too scared to try again but i just don’t see much else of a way out. i truly don’t want to be here anymore but i don’t want to hurt my family and my 2 closest friends, but at the same time i wonder if they would even care at all. 

i don’t know if everything i’ve mentioned here and on all this forum is just what every person goes through all the time and i’m just  incredibly weak, selfish, or not. either way i just don’t see myself getting help for any of this. i feel like im slowly rotting away and nothing can be done to stop it because i’m too weak. 

anyway sorry about all this. it’s all ok 😊

[Guest_67750828]

Hi idk,

I just wanted to reach out and say that people do care about you ❤️

Just from this forum chain, I can see that you care so much for others. Please know that you are valued in the world. The feelings you are experiencing lately are not weak or selfish... I am also a uni student who struggles with depression and reading your posts showed me just how strong you are!

I know it may seem impossible to get help (I always felt like I had no reason to be depressed and so I didn't deserve help - this is not true! everyone deserves to not feel alone) but it honestly is a game changer in beginning your journey to wellbeing. Maybe there are support services at your uni that you could speak to about how you feel? You could even just send them an email with your forum posts if that would be an easier way to express how things have been going. I found that going to my uni support services was a lot easier than going to a GP and waiting for a referral for professional help when I was just starting to reach out. I even found the immediate support sms chat with beyond blue was super helpful in getting through particularly dark thoughts.

Remember thoughts, no matter how consuming they may feel, can and will pass. I truly believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel 😊

warmest regards,

liv

[therising]

Hi idk

I feel for you so much, as I can understand the love/hate relationship with alcohol. While it can feel like the solution, it can also feel like the problem. While it can offer a sense of freedom from that which torments us, it can keep us trapped in a sense of not being able to move forward. And while it can change the inner dialogue we struggle with, it doesn't gift to us the inner dialogue we may so desperately need.

While it was some years back that I struggled with being able to live within long term depression, I also struggled with not being able to live without drinking to various degrees. While I acknowledge alcohol takes the sharpness or the edge off certain challenges (especially mental, emotional and soulful or soul destroying ones), it's that very sharpness that forces change for the better. One of the reasons I no longer drink is so that I can feel the sharpness, rawness or the extreme emotional pain that tells me 'Something has got to change'. If I was comfortable or my senses were dulled, I would not be able to fully sense the desperate need for change. I'd remain within what leads me to suffer. Without being able to feel the pain of the false beliefs I have about myself, my beliefs about myself would never change. Without being able to feel the suffering that comes through a lack of knowledge, in regard to greater self understanding, I would never be forced to seek the knowledge I need. Without feeling the heartache that comes from a sense of loneliness and lack of guidance, I would never be forced to seek the companionship or guides I need in my life at certain times.

As a highly sensitive gal, I acknowledge how alcohol used to help dull my senses. It can be like turning the volume down on a super power, the power or ability to sense so much (including what can be felt as being deeply depressing). How to sense or manage the volume dial without alcohol being involved can take a heck of a lot of hard work, research, skill development and guidance, amongst other things. To become masters of the ability to sense can be far from easy but is well worth the work and can come with many unexpected rewards.

If you could gain or develop a sense of who would be your best guide at this time in your life, who do you feel this would be. Go with your feeling or what you sense and see how it unfolds, beyond the first step.

[idk_sorry]

Hey Liv,

thankyou so much for being so kind, your reply is making me cry haha! i’m so sorry if i took up your time with this!

i hope you’re doing the best you can with juggling uni while battling depression, i’m truly so sorry you’re going through that. 

just, thankyou so much for the support, i appreciate so incredibly much. take care sweetheart ❤️

[idk_sorry]

hi therising,

thankyou so so unbelievably much again for your support and insight!!! i appreciate it so so incredibly much and it really helps me understand myself more, i’m so grateful for it. i’m so proud of you for being sober! your story is so admirable and i hope that one day i can heal to be in a better place like yourself and find the resources i need! take care angel ❤️

[therising]

Thank you so much for you kind words and I'm so glad I've been able to shed some light for you in the darkness.

I was actually doubly blessed when it comes to leaving long term depression behind me and no longer drinking. I can still remember the very moment I came out of that depression almost 20 years ago. Following that moment, I discovered even the smell of alcohol led me to feel queezy. Significant rewiring in my brain had put me off drinking. It was extremely surprising. For me, it wasn't stopping drinking that took me out of depression. It was the other way around. Btw, these days I might only binge a couple of times a year and very carefully. It's never for emotional regulation. I'm more of an emotional eater these days but that's a story for another day 🙂.

Being able to pinpoint the exact reasons for depressing periods in our life isn't always easy, probably because a lot can lie below the surface of our struggles. Can take a bit of digging on occasion. For example, the latest challenge I'm being pushed to raise myself through involves fear, I think. Fear lies below a lot of my major life decisions. I'm a 'safe player' in life. Someone actually said to me the other day 'If you could wish for anything for yourself, what would it be?'. My response was 'To be fearless'. If I was fearless, I would be living life in a very different way right now. For a start, it is easy to sit back and eat and imagine all the things that would make me feel happier. It's harder to develop fearlessness and go for all the things that would give me no time to binge eat. I can relate to things getting more intense with the drinking (for you), as my binge eating is becoming out of control. When the vice that once brought us a sense of ease begins to bring us a sense of dis-ease, there comes a time when we have to acknowledge ourself on the path toward physical disease if nothing changes. I can feel myself heading further down that path. It's hard, hey, but we can do it. It's in our nature to gradually evolve, as we've been doing it since we were born ❤️