Hi Zachary_52
I feel for you so much as you struggle horribly with the dual nature of mindfulness or greater consciousness. I can remember thinking when I was young (I'm a 54yo gal now) 'I wish I was a highly conscious person, like a zen monk'😁. I thought they had it so together, with how calm and wise they always appeared to be. No one warned me that greater consciousness has a bright side and what can feel like a dark side at times. How to manage the so called 'dark side' can definitely be challenging.
On the bright side we can begin to feel more for others, through empathy. On the bright side we can begin to feel, better understand and master our nervous system. On the bright side we can be more in tune with inner dialogue and feel the positive impact and guidance of the voice of intuition or our inner sage. And the list of the benefits that come with greater consciousness continue. The other side of the consciousness coin is a whole different story. On the other side we can begin to feel the pain we've led others to feel. We can begin to feel their stress and upset run through our nervous system. We can begin to feel the impact of inner dialogue that does not come from intuition or anything that resembles an inner sage. It can more so resemble one of our inner demons, such as our 'harsh and brutal inner critic' or whatever leads us to suffer. It can start to sound like 'You don't deserve to feel happiness, especially now that you can feel the pain you have caused others. You deserve to suffer for your sins. This is your penance'. Btw, don't mean to sound all religious-like, just an example of how intense it can be for some people. It's the kind of inner dialogue that can make for a 'hell on earth' experience.
I've found the thing about developing greater consciousness/mindfulness is it requires you to never stop developing it, once you're on that path. Having stepped foot on that path, you're officially committed to developing and graduating through it for the rest of your life. There's no going back, unless you want to suffer from a lack of greater consciousness. Damn, our ignorance was bliss in a way, just not for those around us. So, now that we're no longer on the path of ignorance, it becomes a matter of 'Okay, what do I need to become conscious of next?' or 'What challenge am I being asked to graduate through?'. If you were to tap into greater consciousness it may suggest developing the ability to forgive yourself.
Personally, I found forgiving myself for past mistakes or wrong doings has involved moving forward by giving myself some form of release. As they say, our only true self is found in the present moment. Who we are is yet to be and who we were is behind us (a vapor trail of past selves). I found self forgiveness has been about forgiving certain 'ghosts' amongst the vapor trail. It definitely helps to better understand those ghosts. For example, I could take myself as a 25yo and either say to her 'I refuse to release you from the pain you caused others, through being an irresponsible alcoholic' or I could say 'I forgive you, for you suffered horribly through depression and drank to cope, which led others to suffer on occasion. It's okay, I forgive you. Even when you feel no love and understanding from anyone else, know that you are now loved and understood by me'. While perhaps questionable, I've found such a highly imaginative form of release to be therapeutic in many ways, including mentally and emotionally and even in a soulful sense. Perhaps the challenge is to reform the relationship we have with our 'ghosts', so that we are free to love every part of our self. While no one else may have to learn to love and forgive certain parts of ourself, we do have to learn at times.
