I don’t want help.

idk_sorry

idk if something is wrong or not with me. i feel so low and tired everyday. i have no interest in anything and have had no hobbies at all for ages. all i have the energy for is uni and one shift a week for work but even that’s fizzing away but it doesn’t matter because i’ll push myself to do the work anyway because i don’t want to fail and be even more worthless than i already am. i cry so often and my body hurts with ache a lot of the time but i have to keep doing things or i’ll be a failure.

im so afraid of making connections anymore and when i do make a friend i usually have break downs about it later. i just want to isolate as now i see socialising as too taxing on top of uni and work. i just want to be alone.

i live alone and just started my first year of uni. i’m constantly stressed out of my mind that i’m losing sleep and overeating. i keep hurting myself almost daily and on the only day i have free in my week, the night before it i binge drink until i pass out.

i cant tell if this is a problem or not but either way i don’t think i could ever get help because i don’t want people to worry about me. it would hurt too much to burden others so i don’t think i can ever do that no matter how much people say i wouldn’t be a burden. i’m too horrible to deserve support anyway i need to pay for existing right?

i don’t know how to fix myself. i’ve tried working on myself before but it just ends up being a distraction or leans into other self destructive behaviours (such a restricting food and over exercising)

anyway do you think i can keep living like this and it’ll just get better by itself? i’m worried that i’ll get worse but the thing is if i do get worse i still am unable to reach out. i just don’t know what to do. maybe it’s all fine and i’m overreacting about normal things. sorry if i am.

anyway yeah i’m really sorry i just wanted to get my thoughts out i don’t even really know what i’m asking at this point. i’m so sorry.

Sophie_M

Hello and welcome to the forums. 💙

Thank you so much for this courageous and vulnerable post. It sounds like you are feeling very overwhelmed and exhausted right now, and even though your brain might not believe you are deserving or capable of change, you absolutely are.

Sometimes, we develop ways of relating to the world and coping with stressors or fears that can make things feel a little harder. But that isn't our fault and it doesn't make us bad. We develop these coping strategies for many reasons, but often because we haven't been shown other ways of coping and managing big feelings. So of course, we go to whatever is available to us. It seems like this part of you who controls, restricts, shuts down, or numbs, is simply trying to protect you. This part of you also sounds like it doesn't believe you are worthy and wonderful just as you are. We need to give this part of you lots of love and nurturing right now. I know that might sound near impossible at the moment, so let's look at one thing you could do to show these more vulnerable parts that you are on their side.

Firstly, reaching out to us is asking for support - so please acknowledge this as the huge win and ultimate act of self-love that is.

Secondly, I know things are really, really hard right now, but is there one very small thing you can do that is just for you each day? Is there a person, place, or activity you can think of that brings you joy? It can be so small. For example: listening to your favourite song, sitting outside in the sun, or hugging a loved one.

Lastly, please know that feeling low, afraid, disconnected from your joy, lacking interest in life, hurting yourself, and believing you are unworthy are all signs that you might be needing a deeper sense of safety in your body. Depending on our life experiences, this can be really hard, so remember to be kind to yourself as you explore what this looks and feels like for you. You can do this through self-soothing practices - here are some ideas you could try: Self Soothing: DBT Skills, Worksheets, Videos, Exercises

Most of all, I would love to recommend that you explore seeing a therapist. I know it is scary, but it will help so, so much to be supported through all that you are feeling. A deeper understanding of yourself and these behaviours will empower you to create new ones - ones that allow you to feel happy and well.

Here is a mantra you could repeat to yourself when you are feeling afraid:

I am worthy of love.
I am worthy of a beautiful life that I am excited about.
I am allowed to take up space and ask for support.
I am enough as I am.

We are always here for you, okay?

Please message here whenever you need. I hope our community will support and guide you further soon. 💙

Warm regards,
Sophie M.

idk_sorry

Hi Sophie,

I cant tell you how grateful i am for your reply i seriously cant stop crying when i’m reading it. this is and probably will remain one of the most understanding and kindest messages i’ve ever received ever!!!

i feel so undeserving of your time and i’m so sorry i took it up. i am truly so sorry but i’m also so beyond grateful.

you’re truly such an angel in this world. thankyou for listening and supporting me and SO many others on here.

i hope i can try and be a better person and eventually try to accept help. sorry i’m saying it so much but thankyou so so incredibly much for everything!!

therising

Hi idk

Sophie has written a beautiful and deeply caring response and understandably so. You are such a beautiful and deeply feeling person, someone who deserves such a response.

Life is a very different experience for those of us who feel or sense deeply and easily, compared to those who don't. For a deeply feeling or sensitive person, they rely on their sensitivity. For example

We rely on a sense of direction, in order to not feel what 'lost' feels like. I find there are times where I rely on a guide or guides in my life to help me gain a sense of direction. Sometimes I simply can't do this on my own
We rely on a sense of progress, in order to feel what 'achievement' or 'moving forward' feels like. Without a sense of progress we can be left feeling like we're going nowhere or standing still
We rely on a sense of self understanding, in order to feel what 'relief', 'joy', 'peace', 'excitement' feel like. Discovering what offers us relief, joy, peace, excitement and more is a part of coming to better know ourself
We rely on a sense of self acceptance, in order to feel what 'self love' feels like. To say 'I accept I am a deeply feeling person' means accepting our ability to sense (our sensitivity) and not seeing it as our fault or flaw

I could go on but you get the gist.

As a gal who's an ex regular binge drinker and as someone who struggles with emotional eating, amongst other things, I've found these things are about feeling. Emotional drinking can dial down the ability to feel what's stressful or depressing. Emotional eating can dial up the ability to feel delight, joy or excitement. Other forms of self harm can adjust the dial when it comes to feeling a sense of control, relief or something else. If we could define emotion as 'energy in motion' (energy we can feel moving in or through us), it can be about how we manage the volume of what we're feeling, dialing it up to 100 through to dialing it down to zero. Whether it relates to mental energy (thoughts, beliefs, inner dialogue etc), physical/chemical energy (endorphins, dopamine, cortisol etc) or simply a natural or soulful energy (sense of inspiration, sense of purpose, sense of direction etc), for a deeply feeling person we can feel so much of it. If no one's ever said to us 'I'll show you how to use your ability to feel or sense so much', we can be left feeling like we're broken in some way. That sense of 'brokenness' can really mess with us. The truth is we're not broken, we just haven't been shown how to better understand and master our ability to feel or sense.❤️

idk_sorry

Hey therising,

I seriously cannot thank you enough for such a beautiful and insightful reply! Thankyou so so so much for helping me understand myself a bit more. it truly means the world to me.

I’m so proud of you for recovering from binge drinking that’s seriously such an incredible achievement despite everything you’re going through!!

Just thankyou again so much for giving me an insight into more of myself. i genuinely can’t thank you enough for everything.

take care angel🫶🫶🫶

therising

Hi idk

I believe we are amazing. It is official when we can be amazed by how easily and deeply we can feel or sense at times, amazed by how we can think and have revelations naturally come to mind, amazed by what we can achieve (while never imagining we could achieve such things), amazed by how funny or quirky we can be at times and amazed by so many other things about our self. We don't have to amaze anyone else to be officially amazing.

When wondering 'Who am I, really?', on the quest to understand who we naturally are, we can honestly say 'I am amazing. I can't deny it. I amaze myself' 😊. And if we're full of wonder, when it comes to wondering about who we naturally are and why we can suffer so much at times, we could also say for a fact 'I am wonder full or wonderful, I can't deny it' 😁. So many facts or truths to learn about ourself, some of them incredibly surprising and inspiring. And there you go, two more facts or truths, 'I am someone who can be incredibly surprised' and 'I am someone who can be greatly inspired'. Being sensitive, we know when surprise and inspiration are in play because we can sense or feel such things. And we know when such things are lacking because we can feel their absence.

quirkywords

Idk

thanks for your honest post. Sophie and the riding have written very thoughtful and supportive posts so I have nothing to add.

i always learn from others posting here as it helps me to understand myself and others a bit better and not go feel so alone.
take care and write here when you want as we are listening and you are not alone.

the rising

I find these words of yours so helpful.

That sense of 'brokenness' can really mess with us. The truth is we're not broken, we just haven't been shown how to better understand and master our ability to feel or sense.

idk_sorry

Thankyou again everyone for all the support! since i posted this i feel like i have still been getting worse. i’m so sorry. i’m starting to scare myself a bit because i no longer care about my safety and have been contemplating whether i should make a plan or not. i hope i can just push through this but things keep getting darker.

last night i binge drank alone and i think my BAC was really close to 0.3 which is getting to the more dangerous end and i just didn’t care at all and i intended to get to that point too before i even started drinking.

hopefully it’ll be ok. i hope i can just get through this because i think getting any support sounds impossible because i don’t and never will feel sick enough and i don’t want to make anyone worry or be a burden.

sorry for rambling so much haha. i’m genuinely so beyond grateful for all the kind words i’ve received. i feel so undeserving of the amount of kindness and support you’ve given to me and even though i feel so ashamed that you all put so much care into your replies, i’m still so so thankful for it!

idk_sorry

lol another random update but i’ve kinda been eating less. like these past two days i’ve only drank zero sugar drinks and that’s it and i plan to do that tomorrow because i truly believe i don’t deserve food anymore. i need control and this gives me control and makes me feel a bit better because all i can think of is the hunger and losing weight ahaha 😛

therising

Hi idk

I've found self harm to be rather complex at times, in regard to what form it takes and why we do it. Whatever form it's taken in my own life over the decades, I think it's always been about emotional regulation. A few examples

If I do this, I will feel a sense of joy, a sense of excitement, a sense of relief, a sense of control etc
If I do that, I will feel a sense of deserving (this sufferance) and in turn a sense of satisfaction that I have suffered
If I do these things, I won't feel a sense of sadness, a sense of hopelessness or a sense of pain

I think that perhaps sensitive people are often looking to sense something other than what they're currently sensing. If we're born to sense, the question becomes 'How to do it like a pro, in a non self harming or non self destructive way?'. I wish I'd been shown or taught how to 'come to my senses' when I was a kid. Would make life so much easier, that's for sure. As a 54yo gal, I still suffer at times in not knowing how to do it exactly. Based on most of us not being taught how do sensitivity like a master, we gotta learn as we go along through life. Finding people who've got it better worked out to some degree is definitely helpful. I had a co-worker put me onto a book called 'Sensitive Is the New Strong', by Anita Moorjani. This book proved to be a helpful stepping stone in my progress in self mastery.

When it comes to what we're able to sense, I've found a sense of wonder to be a significant key that unlocks so much. Without it we continue to suffer, as opposed to wondering or being curious about what's going to make a difference to us. Why and how do we suffer through our physical chemistry? Why and how do we suffer through our belief systems and inner dialogue? Why and how do we suffer through our ability to naturally feel so much? So much to wonder about and learn. Physically, mentally and naturally, we're such complex creatures who can be challenged to learn how we tick, as opposed to suffering through not knowing. 🙂