I don’t know what to feel or do anymore

[H-c]

Well, I’m back once again. I thought after seeking professional help I’d feel better, feel whole once again but I’m back. Back to square one. I thought I’d only be diagnosed with one condition which I have learned to accept but then I got diagnosed with three. OCD, GAD and Major depressive 

[H-c]

Ever since I got help from a professional I got I thought I’d get better. That I’d feel whole. But I was proven wrong after a while. At least I have found out I’ve got GAD OCD and MDD (major depressive disorder. These past few weeks has been really hard. I either have work or uni and I feel like im running on a treadmill without stopping and I constantly feel like im out of breath like someone is stepping on my chest. I tried to do the coping methods that my psychologist recommended but they didn’t help. My head feels heavy and my mind feels like it’s gonna burst any time soon. Not to mention the fact that I get migraines every week. I’m sick and tired of this. I rather be six feet under than feel like this constantly. Call it self destruction or whatever but I want to hurt myself with every little mistake I make. Even at work, ESPECIALLY at work I feel like a burden to everyone and because I don’t want anyone to be suspicious, or disappointed or mad, I hide it with a smile but I can’t keep doing this anymore. Smiling and talking to everyone is becoming harder and I don’t know if I should inform my managers about it or not. I also can’t afford to take a sick leave or a break because I need to save them up for my university exams. I feel so suffocated and I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s always one thing or the other. I just want to feel better I want the thoughts to stop. I am really tired and I just want this to end. I want to think about what what I’m eating for dinner instead of if I deserve to eat dinner, I want to be looking forward to my future rather than the negative thoughts in my head. I don’t know what to do anymore im really really scared and struggling

[therising]

Hi H-c

You deserve so much credit based on how far you've come in all the hard work you've been doing in coming to know your self better. Full recognition can be hard to achieve when depression and anxiety are factors which just don't allow us to see how truly brilliant we are at times.

I've found 'under the circumstances' to be 3 major key words when facing certain mental health challenges. Being a 52yo gal, up until last year I'd never faced the challenges of anxiety but, under the circumstances, it had gradually developed. Looking back, I actually can't believe how well I coped, given everything on my plate. Being forced to take one thing off my plate, we have become a single income family again, just for this year. There were a few mornings earlier this year where I actually woke up crying with a sense of relief.

Under the circumstances where inner dialogue is a brilliant driving force, not a problem. When it becomes some dark and brutal thing, the circumstance can become incredibly depressing. When our imagination's serving us in brilliant ways, leading us to see a clear and positive vision for the future, life's amazing. On the other hand, when our imagination is like a blank screen, with no obvious way forward, it's a different story. While feeling plenty of energy is the thing that really connects us to life, trying to work in a state of pure exhaustion and stress can feel like some form of breathtaking suffocating hell on earth.

While we can be tempted to look around and ask 'Why does everyone else seem to be able to cope?', it all depends on the circumstances. You don't know everyone's circumstances. Some may be attending uni while being largely supported by their parents. They don't have to cope with working so much and have more free time to relax. Some may be taking amphetamines to be able to cope. Some may have been raised with seriously impressive management skills, including those that come with managing their nervous system and inner dialogue. Some may have so much natural energy they could just about take on the world.

Are you able to change your circumstances? Are you able to defer with uni, either mid year or end of the year? Is that something you could look forward to? Bit of a countdown to a sense of relief. Or is there someone in your life who could help support you to a greater degree, financially, until you get back on track next year? Can you reduce work hours in this case? Could it be about breaking the stress cycle, so you can catch your breath and regain a calmer form of energy?

It's so important to say 'I'm facing a first time challenge I've never faced before and this is why it's so hard'. While managing work and uni may not appear as a first time challenge, under the circumstances of pure exhaustion and extreme stress, it just may be.

[jaz28]

Hi there,

I am sorry you have experienced this. It must be difficult for you, you have been through a lot! You should feel proud of yourself that you went out and sought help, that is a great step. 

What i learned with therapy is that it isn't a once-fix-all approach, you need to go a few times, over a long period of time to feel most of the benefits. How long have you been going for?

Do you feel comfortable with your current treatment? If not, you could always seek a second opinoin, there are many doctors out there that try different treatments and therapies.

I hope that you feel better soon,

Jaz xx

[indigo22]

Hi H-c,

I am sorry you are in such a dark place right now, I have been there and know what it like. You just want to start seeing some light again. As far as your work is concerned, first discuss with your psychologist what steps to take, but I would think that if your managers knew how much you are struggling they would want to help in some way. I know how tiring it can be dealing with dark thoughts all the time but you must start to help yourself as well by challenging those thoughts when they come up. When you have a thought like "if I deserve to eat dinner" you need to ask yourself where you got the idea that you must deserve to eat. Eating is a basic need for survival that everyone needs so were you told at some point that you didn't deserve to eat or is that something you have made yourself believe because of a lack of self-worth or self-esteem. Question your thoughts when they come up and decide if the thought is true at this moment, not in the past, but in this moment is it true. You have been diagnosed with some challenging mental health issues but GAD, OCD and MDD are labels for what you are dealing with, they are not labels for who you are. Something that my help is to write down a list of your positive traits, for example, kind, honest, generous, ect. Then begin to focus on those traits instead of focusing on what you believe to be your negative traits. Get to know the real you under all that fear and darkness. There are some therapies that may be worth looking into such as somatic healing and polyvagal theory, you can look these up on the internet and there are books available on these subjects that may give you ways of managing your mental health conditions when you are feeling overwhelmed. I hope these suggestions will be of some help to you.

Take care.

indigo22