I don't know what to do

[phightingphan]

I really don't know what to do with myself. I've gotten so lazy and apathetic that it's pushing me back. All I wanna do is play games and lie down and not talk to anyone. 

My family has noticed. Everyone has, for that matter. I'm not who I used to be, I'm freshly 16 and I have no job or license or drive to do anything at all. My mum tells me to wake up and do something, or she tells me I can't do anything.

I feel so hopeless I don't know what to do anymore. I need good grades, but I'm too lazy to get off my ass and I have nobody to blame but myself. I'm in fucking year 11 next year and I can't get a grip on anything, I have no solutions or anyone to lean on. I'm alone. I have trusted adults, or I thought  I did, but I tried opening up to them and got shut down instantly. My friends can't help me, nobody can even tell I'm suffering so what the fuck do I even do??? Im so tired of everything and everyone I wish I could stop time, curl up into a ball and rot. For what reason??? I don't know. I don't know anything. Im burnt out and stupid and lazy and weird and ugly and slow I cant do anything right and I want to kill myself because of it.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Phightingphan,

Thank you so much for opening up and sharing with us here. We can really hear how conflicted and weighed down you’re feeling right now, and that’s a lot to carry on your own. It sounds like those negative thoughts are really strong at the moment, and sitting with that can feel incredibly overwhelming. We’re so glad you reached out - it’s not easy to do, and we truly admire your courage in sharing here today.

We’ll be reaching out to you privately to check in. If you feel up to it, we’d really encourage you to give the Beyond Blue Support Service a call on 1300 22 4636 for some extra support. Other options you might consider are Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800, Lifeline on 13 11 14, and Headspace on 1800 650 890. All of these services also offer webchat if that feels more comfortable for you:
 

• Beyond Blue  

• Kids Helpline  

• Lifeline  

• Headspace

 
Hopefully, you’ll hear from our lovely community soon. In the meantime, is there anything you might be able to do for yourself today to treat yourself with some extra kindness? When those negative thoughts are loud, the last thing we often feel like doing is showing kindness and grace to ourselves, but you truly deserve something nice. 

Thank you again for sharing, and please feel free to jump back in at any time to let us know how you’re travelling today.

Take good care of yourself, Phightingphan 💙
 
Kind regards,  
Sophie M 

[therising]

Hi phightingphan

I feel for you so much as you face one of the toughest and most challenging times in your life. Doesn't matter whether we're 16 or 60, feeling completely lost or off track or something along those lines can come at any age. It definitely doesn't help when we've got people around us telling us we're lazy or we just need to get on with life or 'Everyone goes through this'. All that kind of stuff is of zero help. None of it offers any form of guidance whatsoever and it definitely doesn't help shed light on anything when we're feeling completely in the dark. 

The idea of 'getting off track' or off the kind of path that's going to lead to some sense of achievement, satisfaction or motivation, can prompt the question 'What the hell kind of track was I on to begin with and how did I get off it?'. I suppose you could say goals are also milestones on that track. So every time you reach a goal you reach a milestone of some significance. 'How to manage the steps in between each goal or milestone?' then becomes the question. With you talking about significant milestones or markers on your path, such as gaining a job, working toward getting your license, achieving completing year 11 next year, as you'd know they don't all come instantly. I'm wondering who in your life is helping you manage all the steps leading to achieving these things. Who's giving you the kind of leadership, guidance, motivation and plans you can relate to? I'm not talking about a boring, uninteresting or typical plans that a lot of adults spew out, more so ones that actually get you interested and maybe even excited.

Personally, I can't feel inspiration if no one around me is inspirational enough. I can't feel excitement if there's nothing being presented to me that's exciting. And I can't feel a solid sense of direction or a solid sense of vision of the way forward if I have no sense of direction and no sense of vision (if there's nothing in my imagination to see). I wonder whether you've considered the idea that you are a feeler or someone who can sense easily but you're just not being given a lot to feel or sense at the moment, not anything you can relate to anyhow. I've found that sometimes it's about brainstorming. For example, as a mum to a 20yo and 23yo, there are times when I'll say to my son and daughter 'I'm bored, what can I do?' or 'I have no obvious goals in life to work towards. What can I look forward to?' and stuff along those lines. They'll then get a feel for stuff I could relate to and throw a whole stack of ideas at me until there's one I can actually feel as a possibility or feel as being exciting. Do you know any brainstormers like this, people who are going to wonder with you, instead of leaving you alone to wonder? Do you think gaining a sense of structure, a structure that includes some new goals could possibly give you something to look forward to? You don't have to make those goals typical for someone around your age. For example, you don't have to get your learners right now, just because everyone else is doing it. If it's genuinely of no interest right now, let it go and focus on developing a different interest.

[Hayden]

Hi there. If your in a school system that is public, perhaps there is a school counselor or Student Support Officer as part of the wellbeing support team? We know you feel and believe your alone. There are some great youth focused websites with information of services and supports at your disposal.

[phightingphan]

I've been to the counsellor before, but they will tell my parents things that I tell them, and that's very alarming to me. 

I don't want my parents to know. 

[phightingphan]

See, I think if I had interest in anything that isn't Phighting or ULTRAKILL or any of my favourite medias, I would be in a much better spot right now lol. I have no interest in anything to do with actually pushing myself forward in my life, which is why I am sort of at a roadblock. I don't feel like reaching out of my comfort zone (despite how important that may be), or trying to change myself. I've become too used to this that anything different feels so foreign to me, even the sensation of getting better feels so wrong. 

I get what you mean to a point. If I don't have any stimuli that elicit a rush in me, I don't care about it at all. I'll pretend to, sure, but it's not like any of it stays in my head. I like to chase that high that the things I like give me, without it, my life feels dull and pointless. That is why I'm so prone to addiction, or attaching myself to things, giving 100% of my being to it and not doing anything else.

I am aware that, unfortunately, there is something wrong with me that causes me to act this way. How do I know this? You would be right to ask that. I am no psychologist; I am 16 years old, at the peak of puberty. I feel much more than others; my hormones are all out of whack, and I'm on a sort of rebellious streak (I like to think of myself as obedient to my parents, though). It could convince me that there's something wrong when there's nothing at all, right?

Then why are all the kids at my school so... normal? They don't process things as I do, act as I do, think as I do, or even function as I do. We are all people, and we are all unique, but I feel- AM different to the point of alienation. I say strange things, I look ugly, I do weird actions, and I get weird stares. I'm different, in both body and mind. Should I embrace those things? Yes, even if there is an issue inside me, that doesn't make me any less of a human. But.

There is nothing I want more than to belong. I want to feel like I'm not just... interjecting myself into everything. Like someone was forced to bring me around. I am treated differently, I am treated stupidly or like I am an alien, and it makes me feel worthless. 

I just realised how far I strayed from the original topic lmao, I tend to do that a lot. 

Thanks for the advice. Surprisingly, some of those things you wrote I haven't heard a billion times before. (That sounds awfully backhanded, but I assure you I appreciate your kind words, stranger! :D)

[phightingphan]

wait did I reply to the right message?? this website is confusing. ummm as an fyi i was replying to @therising !!!! ok!!!