Hi all,
I hope everyone is ok. I can't get out of my head (please don't recommend meditation - I just can't do it, I've tried and it just doesn't help...)
I have a long history of mental illness and managed to pull myself out of this. I have a corporate career, my own home which I saved for in my 20s (I am 30), a loving partner, loving parents, a small group of friends, and my physical health. I've managed to keep my job during COVID-19 and have stayed safe. Relative to others' circumstances, I'm doing very well and am very lucky. I acknowledge that.
BUT there is something in my head that says I am JUST lucky, and that I don't contribute anything meaningful in my life, that I haven't earned anything and I owe the world, that I am only as good as what I achieve and contribute.
I'm not actually GOOD at anything. Volunteer work? I don't know how to help people, and I'm conscious of having a "savior" complex. Do something meaningful for humanity? I don't know how to do that. Get a career that actually makes the world a better place? I'm not sure I'm so talented. Do art? My creativity is nil. Help Mum out with lunch? No, she prefers my partner helping with that. (Just go watch TV...)
Despite my luck and privilege, I'm not sure I'm actually good at anything. I'm struggling on projects at work, I believe I should be further into my professional and personal development by now, I haven't done anything "good" during COVID-19 like volunteer work...
Long story short. I believe I'm incapable. I'm mediocre. After a childhood of being told I'm smart and going places, I've learned it's a lie; and now, I don't know what to do. If I'm good at nothing, am incapable of helping or doing good, then where do I go from here? Am I going to live the rest of my life distracting myself with trivialities while the people around me actually bring value to the world? (For instance, my partner is a healthcare worker, I have relatives who are chief executives, etc)
Despite all my luck (a roof over my head, food in my belly, and love), I still feel a lump in my throat. I'm good for nothing...
Where to from here?
