I don't know how to be happy

[Letting_Life_Pass_Me_By]

I have been asking myself lately why I can't be happy. I'm starting to feel like maybe I want to be depressed. Am I a glutton for punishment.

I have had a horrible couple of years. I'm struggling to trust my husband. I'm struggling to bond with my 8 year old. I feel like I'm only capable of being close to my 3 year old. I feel like I've gone from one heartache to the next without having a chance to stop and take a breath.

I keep finding evidence that my husband intends to cheat but he denies it forcefully. My 8 year olds father and his wife refused to give him back at the beginning of the year during the holidays forcing me to take them to court and then retrieve my kid from school first day back. They made my life miserable for months. I live in a rural town with no friends to speak of and no family close enough to turn to. I've never felt more alone in my life.

Ive been in therapy and I'm on anti-depressants but it feels like nothing is helping. I don't understand why I always feel depressed, incapable of finding happiness in my life.

I dont want to feel miserable anymore! But, I don't know how to help myself anymore......

[geoff]

Good morning LLPMB, I'm sorry that you are struggling and I can feel the pain in your comment.
When you are feeling like this it's no wonder you don't have any feeling with your children, that's not your fault, you have too many problems you're trying to cope with, unfortunately you don't know where to start.
With your husband cheating on you and you believe that you have evidence, and he forcefully denies it, but if he can't justify what you have found then there is definitely some concern, so with this plus your ex and having to take him to court would not only be so draining but expensive and would have an effort on your 8 year old, so is this perhaps a reason why you can't get close to him/her.
Have you been in therapy for long and has your doctor reviewed your medication, sorry to ask these questions, and by living in a small rural town may restrict who you are able to see.
I know that living like this is something people may only wish to be in, however when you have problems similar to this it makes it very difficult in seeking medical help.Geoff.

[Letting_Life_Pass_Me_By]

I need to know I'm not crazy. A couple of years ago I found an email account on my husband's phone with sign up confirmation emails to several dating sites. They were signed in on the phone. He swore black and blue that it wasn't him. He tried to blame one of my sister's for trying to hurt us. But at the end of the day the photo that had been sent from his phone had been taken by him himself. How else could a selfie of him get out? How could anyone else login on his phone when he never lets it out of his site. Some of the messages contained details about our life that only he could have known. Shortly afterwards women were coming to me and saying he had been matched to a man who had been leaving messages on womens cars. One woman showed me a copy of one of those letters. It was in my husband's handwriting. It had his email address on it. He swore black and blue again he didn't do it. Once again I have found a new email account open on his phone browser with an unsavoury name and once again with sign up confirmations to dating websites. He's once again swearing black and blue he hasn't done anything and is blaming bots. I feel like I'm going crazy with it all.

I keep looking at my 8 year old wishing we were closer but never being able to bring myself to connect with him. He's jealous of my relationship with his little brother. I feel terrible that it's so hard to have the same relationship with him as I do with his little brother. His father and step mother have destroyed all my self esteem as a person and mother. He looks like his dad in every little details, his personality is as aggressive as his fathers. I I love my son so much,so why is it so hard to cherish my time with him?

I had been seeing my therapist since March this year but she is retiring in a few weeks and its intimidating to think about starting again with someone new, retelling all my experiences with this new person. I can't find the motivation or the will to go through all of the work I did with my current therapist.

I tried doubling my anti-depressants. And that worked for a while. But it doesn't work anymore. I'm probably going to need to change my medication.