I don't feel like I should be unhappy

[LA_88]

I grew up in a financially comfortable family never had to want for anything. Over the years I've been beaten, abused & come out the other side still in one piece I guess you could say. By 14 I was self-harming regularaly just to feel something and at 16 self-harmed significantly, my mums distraught reaction to this was the only thing that made me hang on. That kept me going for a while.. by 23 I tried to end my life but a call from my dad snapped me out of it.. I got involved in recreational drugs for fun if not to feel something I graduated uni, I got married I have a good job.. I feel like each day it gets a little worse but I smile and go on with life because I know people need me. I lost my dad recently thought I'd be ok I mean hell when I was a teen he was just an abusive alcoholic but by my 20s as he got older I felt like what didn't kill me only made me stronger and all the bad he and everyone else did only made me the strong person I am today.. he got sick a few yrs ago and changed and we became close I guess I finally got to be the daddy's girl I wanted to be, but then that was taken away. My mum is so strong she has massive shoes I could never fill and my brother suffers from his own mental issues. I feel a constant pressure to be strong and never let anyone know the darkness I carry inside.. I just try to make everyone happy because that's my only reason to live.. My partner has his own issues and I know he'd never be able to handle what I hold inside so I go through life just carrying it around not wanting to burden anyone. There are so many people going through worse out there and I don't feel like I have the right to feel the way I do, I'm not sad like I'm going to cry all night I'm just numb, nothing truly excites me. I want to feel happy because I've gotten through all my bad stuff and am still standing but I don't.. I just feel like a shell of a human who can't leave because of others but also doesn't have reasons for myself to stay if that makes sense. I've built such a great facade over the years that everyone just sees me as the happy cheerful girl, but more recently I'm struggling to keep up appearances and each day I feel more ashamed to feel this way, I've lived my happy life for so long I think even I believe it and now I just feel empty and confused. I'm too logical now to try and kill myself again but I'm concerned of those moments where impulse takes over, I just don't want to let anyone down.

[geoff]

Hello LA, you've had a tough life, even though you were brought up in a fincancially comfortable family, however, sometimes this doesn't give you the options you need to decide on because they may be taken for granted.

I am sorry for the loss of your dad and to pretend to others that you seem to be OK, like many of us have also done, can have it's ramifications later on, because at times we seem to suffer more when we're by ourselves or even if we are married.

Being in a catch-22 position as you are where you can't leave because of others around you, but don't have any reasons to remain puts you in this position and that's particularly why you need answers to fill this void and justify your existence for your own safety.

Although I'm not a doctor, there appears to be much that needs to be talked about, starting from your childhood and suggest you get a referrl to see a psychologist using the mental health plan which is issued by your doctor.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[therising]

Hi LA_88

While life can be testing, you have definitely been tested a lot over the years, more than the average person, which points to your strength and possible exhaustion.

Sometimes I feel life is like a bit of a testing ground, testing your patience, your ability to feel, your tolerance levels, your ability to manage stress, your ability to cope with what's depressing, your ability to get a sense of who you naturally are and so much more. In the so called 'School of hard knocks' you can be left longing for school holidays, the occasional break from learning (developing greater consciousness) and being tested. It can almost feel constant at times.

Not sure if this will help make a difference but I'll throw this out there in the hope that it does: Someone once mentioned how there are so many facets to who we naturally are and we can be 'channeling' any one or more of those facets at any given time. Knowing which one it is or which ones they are can help make a difference. For example, if you can channel the analyst and the feeler in you at the same time, you can analyse what you're feeling. If you channel the pure analyst, it's about pure analysis without any feeling. So, pure logic. If you channel the pure risk taker without the sage in you and you don't know how to swim, the risk taker will dictate 'Jump into the water, you'll be right' without the sage advising 'Make sure you have some flotation device strapped to you'.

It's amazing, the amount of times we can ignore the sage in us, in favour of the people pleaser in us that dictates in one way or another 'Serve that person, not yourself' or 'Don't rock the boat, don't upset anyone. Don't challenge anyone'. I smile when I think if I could pull the sage out of me, it would stand beside me regularly smacking its forehead in frustration, shaking its head in disbelief and rolling its eyes to the heavens while proclaiming 'God, she's hard work. Why won't she listen to me more often?'. The sage can advise 'Putting yourself last is a bad habit you really need to break. You need to love yourself more than what you do and you need to demand that others love you to life more actively. Don't settle for just talk of love. Talk of love is sometimes not enough, especially when you are someone who feels through acts of love'.