i don't feel like i can tell anyone i'm struggling

[Helpme]

i'm in year 11 at school and went through a really rough year in year 9 in which i now realise that i had depression. everyday on my way to school i would think about ending my life . however, i felt like i was a coward for being unable to actually do it and for doubting if I would actually die. after struggling with these thoughts for over a year without talking to anyone or getting any help, i felt like i started to get better and become more happy with my life, but not back to the standard it was before it all happened. (it wasn't until that time that i realised i might have been suffering from depression or some sort of mental illness)

over the past year i have continued to struggle with thoughts of hurting myself, but not to the extent as when it started, and i feel like i'm starting to get bad again. i want to get help but i don't know how. i attempted opening up to my brother and telling him i was struggling which felt really good, however in the following days he revealed to my parents that he was suffering from depression and went and got help immediately. since then my mum has made comments to me about how he 'did it to himself' and blames herself for it happening. now i don't feel like i can tell her because i don't want to cause her any more pain than she already feels about what has happened to my brother. 

i also don't want anyone's pity or sympathy. as soon as people reveal that they suffer from mental (or other) illnesses, they are viewed in a different light and treated as 'damaged'... i already feel self conscious about myself and people knowing these things about me i feel would cause me to hide away even more from the world.

im 17 and too lazy or maybe too scared to go to the doctors by myself. i keep using the excuse that i don't have the time to go see a professional but i can''t keep up this act that i call my life anymore. i could crack beyond repair at any moment and i need to get help before it's too late... before i hurt myself for real and not just in my imagination.

PLEASE: Help Me...

[Paul1]

Hi,

May I suggest: please don't criticise yourself for not going to see a doctor, but simply make an appointment. You may like to print your post to beyondblue and take it with you 🙂

Paul1

[Chris_B]

Hey helpme,

I went through a hell year at high school at around the same age as you.  I didn't understand what was happening, and it affected me for a very, very long time until I finally sought help in my late 20s.  I wish I had done it much sooner.

Put your mother and brother to one side for a minute and put your own health first; you've already made a first step towards reaching out by posting here, Paul is right, make that appointment and take your post along with you.

You might also want to check out our youth site, there are others who have been in the same boat so you aren't alone: http://www.youthbeyondblue.com/share-your-story/

Take care mate.

best
CB

__________________________________________________________________

Online Community Manager

[Helpme]

i know this is kind of pathetic but i am absolutely terrified of going to see a doctor and having to tell them all the personal details about myself and what caused this to happen. i'm also worried about what they might do if they find out that what started these bad thoughts was an incident with my dad where he hit me and threatened me. it's not that i care about what would happen to him, its more about what my mum might feel towards me if something happens because of it. he hadn't exactly hit me before that incident (not that he hadn't threatened to do so) and my relationship with him has been destroyed because i can't move past what happened.  

[Helpme]

Dear Chris

thank you. somehow it helps to know that someone else has experienced the same kind of suffering that you have. the one problem is that my mum is the only person in this world that i couldn't bear to hurt. the only reason why i never went through with hurting myself was the thought that i would leave her behind in this miserable family of mine. 

how could i possibly hurt her like that: because i feel like we are the only ones who keep each other strong and moving forward.

and the thing with my current state of mind is that i don't care about myself anymore, i only care about hurting her and leaving her behind to suffer on her own.

[vip]

Hi helpme you have been courageous to share your thoughts on this forum so please courage again and go and see a GP asap you need medication and to se a psych you have really bad depression here worry about yourself first and seek the professional help immediately. take care

[Paul1]

Hi,

Yes: you are right to feel this way. Whoever you see will need to earn your trust. Don't feel you have to give it to them just because they are a doctor. Are you assured enough within yourself to say, if necessary, "I'm not ready to talk about that just yet." Also, I suggest, if the first professional person you see does not give you confidence, feel free to try elsewhere. You're not to blame for the position you find yourself in and you are showing commonsense looking for support. Don't give up until you find the support you need.

Paul1