I cant do anything right

[Miki9]

I feel like i pushed myself  to the limit countless times trying to improve my life giving 100% in effort and im always behind where i started, its like my mind doesnt listen to me in everything i do, even the most simple stuff i mess it up like nobody could, i constantly fight with my family because i now cannot control my anger and emotions, i feel that everything and everyone would be better without me, whats the point in life if you are just miserable and no matter what you do you cant improve it, you are just waking up to another day in a nightmare, the only reason i havent left is because how much it would hurt my family, they put so much efforr in helping me through my stupis studies and i still manages to fail those and all we got in the end was wasted time and everyone else got exhausted for no reason. As for my education, i was always no good at anything, i failed always despite trying, i couldnt even make a decision in what course i wanted to study and i completed several i realised i didnt want to, i eventually made it to uni and at the end of my course im realising i wont work in this job. I put everything to a stop to try and focus on at least 1 thing in my life so i would not be so fragmented and focused on just this study and still managed to fail many times. its like a vicious cycle where i try something, anything and fail and i get angry and react and drop my study or anything else i try and im angry at myself for making each and every one of those decisions. I see people half my age getting through basic things like driving like a normal human being and here i am still trying to make friends or social circles because i suck even at socializing. I always hear dont compare yourself but easy to say when you dont have stupid brain that doesnt listen or focus for 2 seconds. Everything in life has always felt so hard that life feels not even worth it, it doesnt even make sense to keep on going when you are just around for pain and suffering. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Miki9,

I’m really glad you reached out and shared this. You’ve been pushing yourself for a long time and feeling like no matter how hard you try, things don’t go the way you hoped. Can imagine how exhausting and defeating that feels.

What really stood out is how hard you are on yourself. You’re describing someone who keeps trying, even after setbacks, even when things feel overwhelming. That doesn’t sound like someone who “can’t do anything right.” It sounds like someone who’s been under a lot of pressure and hasn’t had the right kind of support or tools yet.

When you said that everything would be better without you, that’s a really heavy feeling to carry. Sometimes that thought comes from wanting the pain and frustration to stop, rather than wanting your life to end. Know you don’t have to hold that on your own.

It might help to talk this through with someone who can support you properly with what you’re experiencing, especially around focus, anger, and feeling stuck. You can reach out to the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636, or Lifeline on 13 11 14, both available 24/7. They’ll listen without judgment and help you take things one step at a time.

You’re not alone in feeling like this, even though it can really feel that way. If you feel up to it, we’re here to listen and you’re welcome to keep sharing.

Kind regards,
Sophie M

[therising]

Hi Miki9

My heart goes out to you so much as you try and make sense of why you're struggling so much in so many ways. We can definitely face so many mixed and tormenting emotions until we work out exactly why we're struggling.

While my 23yo daughter faces some of the frustrations and challenges that come with an ADHD brain and my 20yo son faces some of the frustrations and challenges that come with a autistic brain (level 1 autism), don't know what the deal is with their mother's brain (my brain)😁. For example, just the mention of the word 'maths' and my brain just starts going 'la la la la la'. Give me any kind of semi complex equation to be solved and not only will my brain flat out refuse to do it but my nervous system starts ramping up if I'm being pushed to solve it. 

On the flip side, while we can all be seriously questioning why that computer up there in our skill (our brain) is not computing in the ways we'd like it to, we can be missing some of the most incredible natural abilities in existence. While the ability to wonder, to question, to imagine or daydream, to feel/sense etc can be at mind blowing levels, such abilities won't always earn you much cred in the world of academia. You can be an absolute natural at all those things and receive little recognition. And in a system that's not set up to teach through a sense of wonder, questioning/curiosity, imagination/visualisation and feeling, that system can fail us in many ways. It fails to serve us and our learning style. We may only ever come across one or two teachers who teach in such a way, through the whole of our schooling experience. Definitely something worth questioning, especially when the current generation has a lot of those natural abilities I mention. Can make it incredibly hard to focus on what's boring and unimaginative in school when you have such abilities. 

I think when we're trying in all the ways that work for neurotypical people, no one may giving us any of the ways that actually work for us. I've found it pays to imagine being a collector of skills and abilities. If the goal is to collect them throughout our life, the question becomes 'Which ones do I really need and how/where do I find them, so I can start collecting?'. Chances are you already have some that you're not entirely conscious of. For example, are you a daydreamer? If so, have you ever been taught or shown how to master such an ability?