I can't hate myself anymore

[Ashley20]

Hi,

Since 2016 Ive been battling depression.

In the recent 6 months I've started talking to a councillor and it's the first time since 2016 I've tried to help myself, but even still it doesn't help nothing good ever happens for me, I always try and help other people give them what deserve but whatever I give myself always goes wrong sooner or later.

Was about to purchase my first car today and was told by the dealer that had held the car for me then sell it out from under me, got refused for a car loan, can't get the job I wanted because I've already done a Cert III in something else, gave myself 2 bulging discs in December in my lumbar spine and has been causing discomfort every since. That's just skimming the iceberg.

My mate died is 2016 but the last thing I ever said to him was in an argument, in 2018 I purchased a parrot to help myself get past my depression, a few months later I snap in anger and throw my parrot into a door and he died. I can't express the guilt I have for these things.

On top of all that I'm autistic which constantly causes problems for me over my school years I was very badly bullied over it, something 10 years later I still struggle with.

I have a very supportive family (especially my cousin) who I talk to regularly however nothing anyone seems to do or say makes me better and nothing seems to stop this curse as I consider it.

[M99]

Hi Ashely,

What you have gone through is an incredible amount in the past 5 years. Despite what has occurred in the past you have surpassed it and still remain determined to fight for the life you deserve, although that does not always seem visible. The fact you have persevered and are able to tell me your story means you are a survivor, but more importantly it means you are a true fighter! I believe this as through your story I can tell deep inside you are aware you deserve better, you deserve happiness and I believe you do as well. I think the steps you have taken is good, it is important you seek emotional support from friends and family. Perhaps when these sources of emotional support is not available, I recommend you contact mental health professionals or what I like to do is just allow myself to release these emotions through writing. Sometimes unfortunate events occur, or as you like to phrase it 'curses'. Sometimes these are blessings in disguises. Often through our hardest times of life we are able to learn valuable lessons and I believe the current lesson you are going through is preparing you for better resilience and strength, furthermost it is teaching you that amidst all the events that have occurred thus far, you are far more than that. You are not defined by your tragedies. You are the creator of your own happiness. Most importantly, you deserve happiness. Believe that you are deserving of it and beautiful things will occur.

[Ashley20]

Hi M99,

Thanks for your reply, I really appreciate it.

I'm not gonna to deny that I am as you put a fighter or at least I am in other peoples eyes, I simply reply I'm only still here because I don't have guts to end my life.

I certainly do want my life to be happy and something good to happen but it doesn't matter what I do I never seem to be happy or happy for long because everything I have or want ends badly sooner or later.

I've been to told think positive and believe that I'm as you put deserving, however just simply believing doesn't seem to make a difference either.

[M99]

Hi Ashlehy20,

I'm glad you're back. The Beyond blue community members are always here to hear and support you.

Honestly, I cannot tell you to think positively nor can I make you feel deserving. I have been in a similar position as you where I was heavily depressed however I harboured a lot of resentment and anger, towards the world and towards myself. I too did not want to live and found it difficult to get day by day. It felt as though I was no longer living but merely surviving, things felt pointless as I felt they were never going to get better and I kept seeing the same outcomes repeat itself.

However, I realised my mindset then was projecting itself and creating my predicted outcomes. I found that with a negative belief system of that things will never get better, I generated those same results and outcomes through my behaviours and attitudes. No matter all the support and life-affirming things people told me, it did not change my mindset as I had already rationalised all my experiences and tragedies in life thus far based on that mere belief that I was somehow unlucky and that things would not get better. To put it the least, it felt almost pointless when people told me that I was deserving of happiness. This was because deep inside I had created a meaning for all my pains, I created the meaning that my life was meant to suffer. To believe I was deserving would go against all my previously built beliefs, I would have to change that negative belief that created meaning for me in my life, meaning for all my pains, meaning for all my suffering. I was scared without that belief and pain, I would be meaningless and all my struggles would be meaningless. However, that is not necessarily true.

Our pain and suffering can be meaningful when we transform it into wisdom and strength. It is not just about believing you are deserving of happiness and good things, but it is knowing that you owe it to yourself to be happy after all the things you have gone through in life. Hold onto that thought. I am sure you have came so far and remain here because you have meaningful purpose in this life and you have yet to find out. I cannot imagine all the pain and suffering you have gone through and continue to battle, but I know you deserve a chance at happiness!

If you need immediate care or attention please contact the lifeline call centre or some beyond blue health professionals.