I don't like talking about me

[Lena_J]

But perhaps I can help you. I won't go into a lot of detail, however if want any specifics please ask. They're not secret. I'm honestly just tired of talking about myself to so many different psychiatrist, GP's, psychologist, clinical nurses and on it goes. And then you get a 'new' diagnosis and they act like I'm supposed to be happy. It's just another label. Can you fix it? No? Well, let's move on then.
Yes, I'm a bit sarcastic. The Mental Health System in SA is so broken.
I was a very hard worker, in fact I worked my way up to General Manager. I was described as tenacious by my Employers and I loved working. Until one day out of the blue I had a nervous breakdown (or major depressive episode as they call it now). I was 46. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and put on Anti Depressants. Everyone was shocked. How could this happen to her? She's one of the strongest people I know. etc, etc,
The months went on and became years, and I was eventually diagnosed BP2. It fit. The manic states where I'd work 20 hours a day. The days I'd wake up and say we're building x today and everyone just assumed I was spontaneous. But I didn't have too many lows until after the breakdown. That seemed to be a catalyst.
A few weeks ago I got another diagnosis of complex ptsd. No surprises there really. I won't go into details but something so traumatic happened to be I tried to take my life. I didn't succeed that day so I tried again the next. I was hospitalised just for the night as they believed it was because of the traumatic incident.
But now I have triggers. They're bad and they make me spiral into bouts of depression I can't pull myself out of. Everything is black. My partner can't talk me down. I have to say the staff at Mental Health Triage are pretty good at calming me.
I'm no longer on any meds. No anti depressants, no anti psychs. The side effects are horrible. Me getting seratonin syndrome and my partner having to deal with a drunk person for three days just isn't worth the grief I cause. Or him finding me out in the street at 3am in the middle of winter with nothing on but a tshirt.
If you read the leaflet that comes with the meds and go down to the 1% of the population will suffer from you'll find me in there.
So what do I do? Essentially I do nothing. I don't live, I exist. I also have 4 herniated discs which cause a lot of pain.
I live for the manic moments. They're the only time I'm happy. I wish I could work.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Lena J,

Welcome to our friendly online community! We think it's really generous of you to come here with the intention of supporting others. It sounds like you've had a long journey and we're sure that your insights from your own experiences will be of benefit to others reading.

We're so sorry to hear that you're not able to work when this is something that we can hear you truly valued. It's great to hear that you find the helplines useful and we would encourage you to keep contacting them whenever you need to.

Welcome again, we hope that you find the community to be a safe and friendly space to connect with others.

[james1]

Hello Lena,

I also just wanted to send you a quick welcome and a big thank you for the posts you've already made to support others.

I am also glad you've created this thread for yourself, because it sounds like there's a lot of pain, both physical and emotional, that you deal with constantly.

I don't want to ask too much because, as you mention, you are feeling a bit tired of talking about yourself. But I did want to just ask about your support network, because it sounds like you've not really been well understood for a very long time. Do you have anyone close you can talk to when you have your bad bouts with depression?

James