I am very tired

[ribbon123]

I find little reason to live, apart from my family who lives across the globe. I was lying on my bed, trying to escape this. Forced myself to sleep, and woke up an hour later. I remember waking up feeling so sad, so lost, so empty. I dread tomorrow. Some day I slept all the time, but day like this, I could not sleep, even afraid of having a good dream, being happy in my dream, but waking up with nothing.

I am a PhD student, who used to love what I did so much. But the job I once love becomes dreadful. I call myself worthless in my head a few times a day. It got better, then it got worse, way worse, then repeat. Counselling does not help. Or it helps, but I ruin it. I am not sure anymore. What if it would be like this for the rest of my life.

[therising]

Hi ribbon123

My heart truly goes out to you as you face this overwhelming struggle.

I believe one of the most depressing things anyone ever said to me was 'This (depression) may be something you will have to live with for the rest of your life'. Hopelessness is torturous. I experienced my depression for about 15 years before coming out of it. It was then that I began raising myself to greater understanding in regard to what led me in, what kept me in and how I could continue to rise to new heights. By the way, I have many books in the way of self understanding (from brain science and epigenetics through to the world of Prana).

I do remember that feeling of worthlessness. Such a heartbreaking and soul destroying feeling:

• I felt worthless throughout a majority of my marriage. My husband loves me deeply and everyone loves him. What was wrong with me, why couldn't I love him. What a horrible person I was! What a worthless person I was to have little feeling toward him! Yes, he loves me in his own way yet he's typically not an actively loving guy. He gives hugs, kisses and proclaims love but we've really not adventured much. Life wasn't that exciting. He loves a few drinks and he loves watching tv to relax. Eventually it hit me, I am worth much more than what the marriage offered. I deserve an adventure partner. I deserve so much more excitement. I am not worth less than what I deserve. Now, we are consciously reshaping the marriage with balance
• You know those sort of folk who feel compelled to tell you what you should be doing with your life? I had plenty of them. They would not hold back in telling me my lifestyle was foolish to some degree. I love all things spiritual, for example. I'd cop grief for dying my hair purple, cop grief for my love of exploring the 'psychic' or natural self. I felt pretty stupid and worthless. Then, I woke up. I am worth more than the close minded opinions of others. By the way, all that 'weirdo' stuff significantly contributes to my deep love of self and life.

It's challenging to ask that all important question that pops up on a regular basis 'Why am I settling for less than what I deserve?' The statement 'I am worth more than this (job, relationship, lack of adventure, opinion of others etc)' is an empowering mantra.

Our natural self may say we are worth more than what we are settling for, whilst the ego may insist we are worth less than what we deserve. This internal battle can prove torturous as we face a fear of change.

🙂

[quirkywords]

ribbon123,

Welcome to the forum. This is a supportive and friendly place where you can be totally honest in a nonjudgmental place.

The rising has written a very thotough and understanding reply so I wont repeat what she said.

wonder if writing down your thoughts and feelings in a book or journal or on the computer would help.

I find when I am feeling like you I just write and sometimes not much comes out but at times it flows. It may not make sense and I may not read it again but the act of writing seems to organise my thoughts.

Thanks again for writing your post.That takes some effort and courage.

Quirky

[Cranberry_Juice]

Sorry you are going through this hard time Ribbon, separation from family and especially were you from is very difficult. I just want you to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. I find when I feel sad I go for a walk or maybe a run and try and take my mind off sad events. I hope you feel better soon...

[ribbon123]

Thank you so much everyone.

When I posted this, I honestly did not expect a reply or worse, a reply on how my lifestyle something to do with my mood, or I am just being sad. So I do very appreciate all of your support and understanding. Especially thank therising for sharing your life story.

I didn't understand why some of us suffer so much, even though according to standard textbook we should feel blessed because we have a,b,c,d.. things in life. I feel blessed, yet I feel I don't deserve the blessing. I feel guilty for being so unhappy.

I don't blame my therapist, but for everyone who is going through the same thing, I feel worse after going to a session. I feel like I did not do enough to be happy. Or right before a session, I would a certain upbeat, and have nothing to talk about during my session, only to have my mood at a new low a few hours later.

So I am trying to tell myself, even the standard approach as seeking an expert help may not help. And it is not my fault.

[Vivienneh]

Your PhD is worthwhile, a reason to get out of bed.

[therising]

Hi ribbon123

If you're up for an interesting read, 'Becoming Supernatural' by Dr Joe Dispenza is worth a look. He takes the angle of mind/body/spirit and translates it into neuroscience/epigenetics/quantum physics. One of the great things about this guy involves his ability to take complex topics and simplify them so they're easy to understand.

In a book where the interactive relationship between thoughts, chemistry and energy invites a lot of those 'No wonder I feel the way I do' moments, it provides great insight in the way of self understanding. I love this guy. All his books provide a great insightful read.

I've come to believe that most of us begin life in a super natural way. With our natural sense of adventure, our natural longing for excitement and our natural ability to question just about everything worth questioning, perhaps the questions become more about when and why we stopped becoming so super natural. How were we grounded out of such a nature (without balance) and how did this grounding eventually take us further down into a place we were never prepared for?

You are a thoughtful person ribbon123, questioning much in the way of trying to understand yourself and life. With wonder being one of our natural abilities, I believe wondering our way into the right questions is where the incredible journey of re-turning to our natural self begins.

🙂