I am so disturbed
I have had depression in the past, I am a sensitive person who talks less. Currently I have changed my job industry quite a few times, also have some regrets and my family thinks I never cope well in a stressful situation. I used to be in creative industry which I miss a lot. So at the moment I am in hospitality same with my husband, it has been 7 years of our marriage but my husband was mostly unavailable due to his job type, it is very demanding and constant stressful due to employee turnovers and other factors. I feel stuck here. All the time we are stressed and thinking about work. Like either come home and still work or he cannot come home even after 12 hours. We work in the weekends too.
I had an ectopic pregnancy, I am failing in my personal life, I am trying to cope doing everything I can. My husband moved on, but me still grieving. Which I can't explain in words it is hard.
I wished to move out of the city but unable to find a job where we used to be is becoming hectic in our lives, this is not what I wished for. I had difficulties to get pregnant because of the stress, but it seems it is now getting serious. I do not know what to do?
At times I just find its better to pretend rather making anyone understand, no one has time. Feels so so lonely here. My tears are my problem as I understand everyone has a more important job to do. I never share much with my parents as they get scared, (they are in a different country) my mom has mental health issue.
I feel I am regretting everything, from relocating, changing jobs and the eptopic pregnancy. I sometime feel it is all my fault as I tried resolving these issues but somehow it always stayed back.
I wish I was there with you, encouraging you to have a huge vent, whether it be in the form of words or tears or both - just a chance to let out as much as you need right now.
Wondering if you've been completely open and honest with your husband about how you feel. If you're worried about the stress your feelings may cause him, I think it's important you begin putting yourself first right now, given how incredibly upset you are. I believe it's our partner's role to help us through the painful times. Working out together where to go from there becomes the next step. Is your husband someone who you feel would be open to hearing you and supporting your thoughts and your feelings? You never know, maybe this could be the right time for you both to consider a change of location and employment, if you're both under insane amounts of stress.
An ectopic pregnancy can hold an enormous amount of grief, more than what a lot of people may realise. If it was a part of a planned pregnancy or a pregnancy that brought a sense of joy, there can be even more grief involved. While I experienced 2 miscarriages (at around 8 weeks and 12 weeks), the ectopic I experienced around that time was just as upsetting because of what I was looking forward to - the baby. It's such a personal experience, that kind of loss, something those around you can't fully relate to unless they've felt it for themselves. There are so many complex feelings attached to that kind of loss. Have you spoken at length to anyone about it since it happened, found any support to help you through? With my own experience happening more than 17 years ago, I gradually had the time to make sense of it and come to terms with it. The emotions can all feel so raw for so long until we can begin to relate to the loss in different ways.
The fact that you've managed to evolve into new ways of living and new ventures (new jobs, new place to live, trying to start a family) does not reflect your fault. These brave changes reflect your incredible flexibility and courage and the fact that you can easily sense what's stressful points to your ability to sense stress. I imagine you can sense when it's not there too. Do you deserve non stressful environments? Yes! Everyone deserves that on occasion.
If you were born with creativity in your blood, it's still there. That kind of thing never leaves you. Perhaps it's time for more creative connections, ones that can bring you back to life in the kind of ways you thrive on 🙂