I am drowning

[anonymous1112474823]

Hi,

Umm, i have never done this before and don't really know how to start. I am not really sure but my head has been getting really bad lately, it is just hard to even think. I haven't spoken to a therapist or anything yet not that I don't want to, I just don't know how to explain it. I am scared to go speak to someone. Oh and my Mum knows but doesn't know how bad it is. I can't talk to her about it because she freaks out and starts yelling at me like this is my fault. My Dad practically lives in another state and my sister isn't really around much so I'm kinda all alone. I struggle to find happiness every day, I don't see a point in getting out of bed when I am miserable. Nothing makes me happy. I feel like I am drowning in my emotions, struggle to eat most days and kinda just lost. I know it is disgusting but I struggle to shower, wash my hair and brush my teeth most days simply because I can't get out of bed. Most days I just sit in bed all day - go to bed at 3 and wake up at 2. My body is numb I can't feel much. I had a boyfriend that we recently broke up with, he made me so happy to the point where I relied on my happiness from him which was bad for both of us. He is a great person and all I wanted was to be the best girlfriend ever. And it doesn't help knowing he become a worse person from our relationship. I put all of my emotions on him which was wrong. He made me feel something again but now he's gone I have gone back to my old habits. My head is just so not ok and I just want it to be. Another reason I haven't spoken to anyone is that many people think I'm faking it. My Ex asked me, his mum and so did everyone in my family. This puts doubt in my mind, I don't want to go speak to someone just for them to tell me nothing is wrong. Every day it gets worse and I just can't handle it anymore. I mean I think I have depression and probably a bunch of other things, my whole family is on medication for it so it would make sense. I am just not sure what is wrong, I have no source of happiness not even going out with my friends or drinking makes me happy. I zone out in every class at school and don't talk to anyone. I am numb and drowning and not sure what to do. My head is really bad and I just can't deal with it anymore. I feel like I didn't describe and write this very well

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning anonymous 1112474823

Firstly I wanted to say that you have described how you are feeling and what is going on for you beautifully, you have a very clear understanding of some of the issues you are facing and I want to welcome you here, not only to this safe space where there is no judgement or claims of "faking it", just care, conversation and support, to know that we are here for you and hope to give you some tips and ideas on helping you.

I hear you so loud and clear in that speaking to someone is full of unknowns and full of scary ideas of "then what.." or "well what if they can't help me"...there is a place that you can start if you like and that is with Kids Helpline, they have a web based chat service that will eliminate the "talk" part for you...you can even start with what you have put here if you feel comfortable, I will put the link here for you:

https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling

I also wanted to point out to you something you mentioned in that when you were with your boyfriend you did feel, you felt happy, you felt engaged, you felt purpose to get up and to shower and to get dressed and start the day. The fact you have been able to do this before gives me a huge sign of HOPE..hope that you can do this again. I hear you and you are so very very right, other people are not responsible for your happiness, and the fact you know this at such a young age is such a credit to you, you are very wise. See I am 46 and am really only taking steps now to make me the source of my happiness. I have been doing things like roller skating, painting and being in nature. I am wondering if you have even one thing that might make you feel like getting up for the day? I know this is a hard question and it is perfectly fine if the answer is no..it does not mean there is something wrong with you, it simply means you have not tapped into what speaks to your soul..and that does take time.

Seeing you have mentioned that others in your family are medicated it would be great if you could get to see your GP, I understand that might make you feel very uncomfortable but it would be wonderful to have a chat with him/her to just make sure that there is not something more that they can do for you also.

I am so proud of you for reaching out to us here and I hope to chat to you some more, if you like.

It is not easy to share how you are feeling when sometimes you don't even know how you are feeling, I get that!

Hugs to you

Sarah