Husbands depression affecting whole family - blames me (wife)

Tiga · ‎21-04-2020

My husband has had depression for a long time, recognised by me (his wife) and his friends, though hasn't really acknowledged it himself. I believe it stemmed from bullying at work, which made him oversensitive to any criticism. It was exacerbated by problems with PE, which again he didn't acknowledge for many, many years and I was to naive to understand in our early relationship. He's an intelligent man and comes across to others as easy going and funny (very English sense of humour) but at home he can be quite the opposite. In the past he often would sulk in the bedroom for long hours - he does this less but replaces this with long hours behind screens or going for long cycles. Either way, I am always left minding the kids and doing the bulk of household chores.

We have two kids, who have certainly helped me when I experienced periods of depression (partly as a result of my husband) and though he loves them very much, he can be hypercautious and overly authoritative. I worry for the kids as they enter their teenage years and become increasingly rebellious.

Although not stated explicitly I know he blames me for his depression. He wants more intimacy but I don't feel close to him at all because he is often angry, sulking, distracted behind screens and I am genuinely tired and really don't fancy him. Issues around PE haven't helped, though at least after 20 years it has finally been identified there is physiological (and not just psychological) issue behind this. In summary, I am genuinely tired and think about when the kids have finished school that I will find my own place.

It's not that I don't care, but have experienced depression more than once in my life. I got better by acknowledging my depression - it also helped that I really enjoy being a mum and less so a wife at the moment. I only wish my husband could enjoy just being a father....any advice would be appreciated.

Soberlicious96 · ‎21-04-2020

Dear Tiga,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and well done for reaching out.

It sounds like you both have some challenging things going on, each in their own way. Him with is depression, and yourself with your own depression.

You mentioned that he spends a long time behind screens (I am presuming computer screens or gaming screens?) and a lot of time cycling. Do you think that there may be a way you could both maybe go cycling together, or some other kind of physical activity together, that it might help to bring you a bit closer to each other? Or maybe find some kind of screen time/activity that you could enjoy together? Is that a possibility? I know that sometimes men and women can have very different interests and hobbies, but finding and doing something you can both enjoy, could go along way toward not only enjoying each other's company again, but also, would perhaps help to keep the depression at bay. I know myself that when I am experiencing bouts of depression, if I exercise that bit more, I feel better, and I can relate better to those around me.

For example, over the course of my life I have, and had, a whole bunch of friends, and a family member or two, that ride motorbikes, but I only recently got my motorcycle license, and I can tell you it is AMAZING!!! I am LOVING it so much! My partner taught me to ride, and it is something we can do together for pure enjoyment. And I can tell you it sure does help to blow the cobwebs away! Although we haven't done much of it at the minute, during this Pandemic situation. Still, that will pass. One thing I have been able to do is ride my motorbike to and from work. Only a short ride - about 7 minutes - but nonetheless, it's still a ride!

Perhaps also, if you haven't already, you could consider talking to your doctor or a counselor about what is going on for you. sometimes it really helps to talk with someone who is a bit removed from the situation and can offer a different perspective.

And of course, you are welcome here at BB anytime, as often as you like! After all, that's what we are here for.

Anyway, I hope that helps at least a little? Take care. I'll be thinking of you. xo

Tiga · ‎21-04-2020

Thanks for your reply...funny, I've always wanted to get a motorbike. I did once get lessons but the bike died before I could get the licence! Yes cycling is something we can do together and as a family - we try and sometimes it works. Often though my husband will spoil things by being over-vigilant with safety, yelling at the kids, or pointing out the bleeding obvious. Nevertheless, I see it as our best option as long as I do regular cycles on my own.

I did seek counselling for myself, which confirmed the things I was doing were appropriate. That was reassuring. I wish men would talk to eachother more like women do.

Soberlicious96 · ‎21-04-2020

Oh yeah, I hear you, about wishing men would talk like women do ..... but then we'd probably say they talk too much! lol.

One other thing that has helped me many times, is a book called 'Men are from Mars, women are from Venus'. It helped to explain so many things in the way I relate to me, and how they relate to me. It's a book that has been around quite a while now (20 year or more?) but one I found to be VERY helpful in understanding the opposite sex.

It's great that you have sought counseling for yourself before. Do you think you might do that again? It might help to just refresh some things? Perhaps you could also recommend to your husband that he find someone to talk to also? Do you think he could be open to that? Either that or you could get some information for him - even if it were just for a local Men's shed, for example, and leave it laying around somewhere where he would see it and could read it in his own time and space. Just a thought.

Anyway, take care, again .... still! Hope things improve for you both soon. xo

Tiga · ‎21-04-2020

Thanks for the replies. Yes I have read Men are from Mars, and yes I have suggested he and we get counselling, to no real avail. I know about the Men's Shed - I think it'd be good for him but I doubt he'll be receptive. Can't hurt to suggest it though, thanks.

porcelain · ‎05-05-2020

Hi, I can relate to alot of your situation. My husband blames me for everything that affects him, the minute details I am always to blame. He can get quite angry all of sudden too, he pretends to the outside to be all together and a 'happy family man'. Some of the mean things he has said to me would apall friends and family. For my own health and self esteem, I treat it for what it is ,a disability just like many other types, he is incapable of certain things and has challenges but they do not result from me being inadequate or unlovable. They are his problems separate to me. Helps to remember this. If you can get your husband to see the doctor to feel better if not for himself, do it for his children to be able to enjoy life with them and hopefully you too. My husband finally reached out for help, not for me but his daughter was the reason he wanted to 'sort it out'. He was painfully apathatic most of the time, always searching for happiness which was always eluded him. He finally begun anti-depressants and has found one that helps most of the time, however too much drinking and bad health habits can trigger a outburst. Sometimes allowing them to vent and space can help also, then returning to the issue later. It is good to know we are not alone in this hard road, especially when we are looking out for our children as well.

Richie01 · ‎05-05-2020

Hi Tiga,

I dont know if this will help but im doing right now what your husband needs to. Unfortunately for me, i waited too long to really acknowledge that i was the cause of the relationship problems. My story is different in many ways but what he is doing and what he needs to do are exactly the same. I cant speak for him but you need to know that behind it all, nothing you say will really get through. We hear the words, we feel the pain but there is a wall that just stops the message getting through. The lack of intimacy just becomes a focus, like if it happens, everything will be great again. Can i ask, When it does happen, does it change how he acts? For me, in the moment it did but it never lasts and it became more and more of a problem and when you realize it wasnt the problem all along, it all makes sense. And we blame everyone but ourselves until we take ownership of what we have done.

Im not sure if you can move past this, id like to think anything is possible for all of us, there surely was a time when life brought you together rather than drove you apart.

If there is to be any chance, your husband needs to get help, I was too scared or proud for so long, I had to lose everything before i saw the truth about me. I am doing it for me and my three children, i dont know if i can ever make right the damage i caused with my ex but if she can be happy with or without me, thats what really matters to me now. I dont want to be a bad memory for them and i have to deal with my past so that i can make a future worth being a part of. Ultimately, you have to do what is right for you. He is the only one who can make the change, he has to choose because its something that has to come from within.

And your so right, we put on a front. We dont want our insecurities to come to the surface in public. Until they do, we never see the real impact of our actions. He needs to see that.

I have found this forum an amazing step between needing help and getting help. Im only just now starting my journey but maybe somehow get him to think about this as an option. Maybe he is too proud to reach out, maybe he feels like a failure to ask for help or maybe he just wont accept fault. I know i was and i didnt. Joining a forum where he can see other people with the same thoughts may really bring him to realise what he has and what he has to do.

Do what is right for you and the kids and take care.

Richie01

Tanya_P · ‎26-02-2022

Hi Richie,

Your post really resonated with my situation. My partner has just been diagnosed with depression. He blames me for everything at the moment, and I know that it is the depression that is causing this behaviour. I found it very interesting how you wrote about taking responsibility and making a change. I believe that my partner does have some insight. He knows he is unwell, but does not realise how unwell he actually is. I think if he joined a forum like this, it would be so helpful to him. I have told him about your post and I hope that it will encourage him to join, as I think he needs to talk to people and know that there are others who are in the same situation as he is in. I imagine he feels extremely alone right now and feels that no one understands or is there for him even though I tell him I am every single day.