i am not in a good place right now.

[VicD]

i am not in a good place right now.

another day another migraine, it feels like my brain in trying to grow out of my skull,
my eyes hurt, my neck hurts, and my head hurts. was diagnosed with colpocephaly after an MRI, not much is known about it and doctors don't know how to treat anything associated with it.

added to all of this, i am in love with someone, someone i cannot have.
met her 9 months ago, is everything i could hope for, except one thing, she is married.

I myself was in a loveless relationship, 10 years long, she would love bomb me, give me everything i wanted for a short time
and then months upon months of nothing, and when i finally complained, the cycle would happen again, just to keep me in line.
i was the one working, always the one working, jobs of bad conditions, bad pay, long hours and infinite stress.
i was forever broke.
i was forever exhausted.
i was forever lonely.

5 days before my birthday in December, id had enough, id finally snapped, so now she is gone.
she left me with debt, at least $25,000 worth. it is now late Feb, she agreed to help pay them off, but to date have received $0.00.

now, i live at minimum, 100km from any friends or family,this girl i love, 300km. i must drive 60km each way to and from work, every day.
i work at a computer & office supplies store (includes catering supplies), i am the only employee, my bosses are a close to retirement age couple.
i do everything here, except payment of accounts. I fix computers, install and repair eftpos machines (on site), do all the purchase orders for buying stock then send them to suppliers,
stock inwards, warehouse management, i drive the forklift and unload trucks, unpack all the pallets of stuff and put everything away, i do front of house retail sales, customer service,
resolving complaints, phone orders, meetings with customers on site, customer relations which includes having meeting with schools to discuss supply options, i do deliveries in a 100km radius.
take phones to repair the repair technician, do house calls, install security systems and anything else that may pop up.
He was as cop for 40 years, more dodgy than a drug dealer, she was a students aide (got fired) she has a complete micromanaging issue, and he doesn't care.

up until a month ago, i was allowed to use the work van to travel to and from work, this required that i do deliveries and jobs outside of work hours (9-5), and the van was my payment.
i would leave for work at 7:50am every day, i would not get home till 6-7pm most days, sometimes later, all deliveries required a signed paper invoice, there was hell to pay if i did not bring one back to work.
even doing these deliveries and things outside of work hours, i was considered late if i arrive after 8:50am

i get less than $23ph.

a month ago, the van died, they didn't want to replace it.
if i relied on public transport, it was a vline train each way, id get there at 11:45am and need to leave by 2pm to get home... not viable.

i managed to scrape together $2000 and i started looking for a car, told my friends and family to keep an eye out for me, my father ended up giving me a further $4000, then 2 weeks ago i bought a 2011 ford.
came with roadworthy, i got it registered, and was able to return to work.

my stress levels at this point were through the roof.
my bosses have the cheek to offer me $50 cash per month to pay for my fuel and car costs, and expect me to keep doing deliveries using my own car, even before and after work
(for example, if i need to take a phone to the tech, it is 45km out of my way to drop it off at night, then pick it up in the morning)

today, i woke up, had 5 hours sleep, got dressed, jumped in the car, got just out of town and then started getting transmission issues which ended in the car going into limp mode after 30 seconds.
i call work tell them i wont be in, then drive home in first gear.

i am broke, more than broke, i have NOTHING left, on top of that, i have bills that are trying to come out of my account, so far this week the bank has declined $300 of direct debits.
i have been using gift cards i got for christmas and birthdays over the past few years to get groceries, do you have any idea what it does to someones self worth having to pay for groceries with 8 different
gift cards, in one shop, some of them with like $5 left on them

right now i am fighting the urge to self harm and I'm having some really troubling thoughts.

[Sophie_M]

Hi VicD

We are really sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. From what we can see you are carrying a lot of stress from your work and your relationships. It sounds like you are doing an incredible job and doing you best. 

We are concered about you and want you to know that if you are considering suicide, this is an emergency and you should call 000 straight away. 

We also think it would be good to call LifeLine on 13 11 14 as soon as you can. They will be there to talk about how you are feeling. 

You can also call us on 1300 22 4636 to talk about these feelings. Our team are here to help you when you are feeling distressed and are experts and helping you make a plan for where else to seek support.

We can hear that you are going through a huge amount right now, but we want you to know that we are here for you. You are not alone, please call us anytime if you need to chat things through. 

Thank you for having the corouage to reach out today. It take a lot of effort to share how we are feeling and we want to thank you for your honesty and openess. You never know when someone else will read this and feel less alone in their own experience. 

Kind regards, 
Sophie M

[white knight]

Hi VicD, welcome

I can try to give you a different perspective on your situation. Firstly as a last resort you can alleviate financial pressure with bankruptcy. It isnt as big a deal as you think and as I'm a past debt collector I can tell you it is very common, more than people realise. This can ease the pressure and you can still obtain credit for essentials up to a maximum amounts, white goods etc. But I urge you to consider that financial ruin isnt the end of life itself, life can go on and be fruitful, after some time you'll look back and realise that in that period of your life it was all messed up but glad you didnt do anything rash.

If you consider bankruptcy anyone that contacts you to retrieve money owing - you can tell them "I'm declaring bankruptcy, you'll be notified as a creditor and be paid whatever the court declares to you". Then nicely close down the call. They cannot pursue you any further. You will be issues a bankruptcy number eg 313/2022 and that number can be quoted to lenders.

Thats the worst case senario. The other action is to wait out the time and settle yourself down, repay what you can afford but leave enough for living a tight but liveable lifestyle. Go on skype to talk to friends and family and use distraction to bury your head into activities most of which dont cost money eg even jigsaws, TV, movies, exercise, if you havent got a dog get one from the rescue centre and basically return to basic enjoyable living.

I understand the downhill self worth feeling of that credit card situation. You seem to badly need some financial advice and that also costs money (I dont know how much but say $200 that could be delayed in paying) but it is worth that to find direction and advice on bankruptcy and so on. The main point I'm making is that continuing on the way you are is not sustainable- it has to change, you have to take some action radical action or not. Then once done you will feel relief.

I hope that helps.

Here is a thread that can help-

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/depression/the-financial-world-of-snakes-and-ladders

TonyWK

[Searchingforhope]

You are going through a really tough time, that would be hard for anyone.

Can you get any government assistance?

I'm sorry things are so hard for you atm but you will get there.