How to deal with mum's depression

[David35]

I live with my mum. I'm 47, she's 77. She's a widow and I'm on a DSP for reasons that I won't go into. She's incredibly depressed after losing her husband (dad) over 8 years ago. I have terrible days too. There are days where she bottles up her emotions and then explodes like a volcano. It usually takes half hour of arguing to peel back the layers to discover the reason. Sometimes it's her reluctance to accept ageing. Often it's her loneliness, especially considering we never see my brother's family (3 grandkids and wife who no longer talks to us). She has a heart of gold and wants to save the world, but can't help herself with her own depression. We even had Legacy ring the other day and she brushed them off. She's lonely, sits at home all day and reads books, but never wants to go out. How do others cope? I have offered to take her to libraries, to cafes, to lunch, etc. Nothing. She frets about going to the hairdresser.  We're both still grieving the loss of my dad, but our depression seems to feed each other. I have a woodworking hobby and that gets me out of the mindset, but is it even possible to help loved ones like this? I often don't realise how depressed I am in this environment until I go out and talk to someone my own age. How do other "carers" cope with watching someone deteriorate so much, given that she used to be so happy?

[Sophie_M]

Hi David35,

Thank you so much for sharing this here. We’re so sorry to hear how tough things have been. Caring for a loved one can be an incredibly challenging role. It sounds like you have tried numerous different ways to engage your mum and it can be frustrating when all of these suggestions are not taken up.  

It’s great that you are able to still engage with your own hobbies and get out with friends. You deserve a break and a chance to do things that you enjoy. You have also been through a lot and your own coping and wellbeing is incredibly important. 

We're sure you’ll hear from our amazing community soon.The Beyond Blue counsellors are here for you if you’d like to talk this through on 1300 22 4636, or via online chat. It is so important that you look after yourself during these times and they can help you, or just be there if you want to talk. Carer Gateway is also a fantastic resource for carers. They provide counselling as well as in-person and online peer support

groups: https://www.carergateway.gov.au/.

Thanks again for sharing here. We really appreciate your kindness and openness in sharing and we hope you can be kind to yourself also through this time. 

Kind regards,  

Sophie M