How to connect with other people when you have depression?

[Yuko]

Hi lovely people, thank you for making these forums so welcoming.

I am wondering if any of you have experience with not being able to speak, reach out or connect to people when you are in a really dark place?

I have noticed over the years that when I need help the most I withdraw from everyone, I haven’t been active on social media for years, I don’t have close relationships with anyone in my family and whatever social connections I had before the pandemic are gone. The worst part is that I don’t even feel like I can talk to my husband about this very much because I am afraid of damaging the relationship, I know it’s unfair to him but he is my anchor and I would be lost without him.

I actually find myself feeling a little resentful that my husband has so many social connections via work and otherwise that at the end of the work day he is just exhausted and not interested in conversation. I feel like I expect too much from him because he is my only connection and no matter how I try I can’t seem to make new connections.

I am alone most of the time and I just feel so lost and lonely, I don’t know how to even begin fixing this.

[mmMekitty]

Hello Yuko,

I think you have made a start by coming & posting here. I know, these are not direct, face to face conversations, but here you do have a place to open up, write what you would speak, or write what you only think, have people who respond, with kindness & empathy.

It takes time, & a lot of effort.

One thing I found that helped more thanI expected, was joining a group who met for a specific purpose. The group I joined was a writers' group. We talked about writing, shared our writing, & sometimes went off-agenda, & has some social conversations. That was so much easier for me than if I met up with a group who would have expected social connections & conversations straight away. The way it was enabled me to slowly get to know the people, & slowly feel interested & comfortable enough to talk.

I trust, talking here will be a step in the right direction for you.

I notice this was not your first post, so I will be keeping an eye out for you. 😺

mmMekitty

[Reventon]

Hey Yuko,

Oh boy can I relate to some of that 😄

Doing some CBT work on warped thoughts has helped somewhat in being able to reframe the habits that keep me from speaking up when I'm struggling.

If you can perceive some of the things you're thinking through the frame of "How would I react if my friend was telling me this or feeling this way?" that could be helpful.

Or more specifically for you if you're worried about opening up to your husband is, "How would I react if he was feeling this way and bottling it up because he thought it would spare me the concern?"

You could find the compassion for someone else feeling the same things that you are right now pretty easily, but it's harder to apply it to yourself.

I think if you opened up to your husband, even if he's exhausted, he'd want to hear about how you're struggling and he'd want to know how to help you.

You might also be really surprised by the people you haven't spoken to in a while and how some of them could be feeling the exact same way as you. Depression is so isolatory... you keep thinking "No one else could be having these effed up thoughts, surely no one else's mind works like this... " and it's pretty often the case that they do.

The only other thing I'd throw in here is not to judge yourself for any resentment or jealously you feel for your husband's ability to connect - look at it as an opportunity. It shows that's a trait you value, even if you're struggling with it... and reaching out to people like this shows you're prepared to take action about that 🙂

Hope that helps.

[Banksy92]

Hi Yuko,

I can relate... My partner also works with people all day, and has solid social connections. Once he's home he wants alone time to recharge (as he's an introvert by nature) and I have been working from home, alone all day and crave human connection.

After some family issues and friends moving on I had a period recently where I felt deeply alone and not sure how to build more relationships in my life. It was so hard. So I really understand your pain and feelings of jealousy to those who just have this effortlessly.

I do agree with mmMeKitty's response about interests groups, this is a great way to connect. For me, it was yoga classes and joining a local choir. Volunteering for Beyond Blue is also great!

Book clubs, walking tours, online communities (like this one!) are all outlets you might like to consider.

But I do think if you're really struggling to find energy to reach out or put yourself out there, you may want to consider speaking with a psychologist. This is a really helpful step to build confidence, healthier thought processes and work through our issues in a safe space. It truly saved me in my darkest times.

Let us know how you go.