How do people do it?

[ReachOut83]

I don’t understand. I’m 37, and completely failed in life. I live in a shared house, and work with a labor hire company doing various jobs. I don’t think that I am meant for this world. The majority of people my age have it all together. Steady job, partner and young family, mortgage. I struggle to even find people to talk to in a local bar, because everyone is already with their group of friends. Is life really worth it? I starting to doubt it.

[Sophie_M]

Hi ReachOut83,

We're sorry to hear how low you are feeling right now and want to thank you for reaching our and sharing this with us this morning. We know it isn't easy but it is so important that you have. We want you to know things can get better.

Our online forums are a safe and non-judgmental place where users give and recieve support to one another based on their own experiences of mental health. We want you to know we're here to provide you with as much support, advice, understanding and conversation as you need.

While the peer support offered here is often quick, it's important to remember it is not immediate. For more immediate support please don't hesitate to reach out to our Support Service on 1300 22 4636 any time or our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14 who are also available 24/7 with crisis support. If ever you're at risk of harm, please recognise it's an emergency and you should call 000 straightaway.

Please keep reaching out and checking in here whenever you feel up to it.

[Aaronsis]

Hi ReachOut83

Welcome and it is so wonderful that you have done exactly that, reached out today, I can hear the confusion and the pain and some of the things you are feeling in your post and I am so proud you have reached out to have a chat with us, to let us know how you are feeling and to maybe get some clarity here.

As humans I think it is what we do, compare, ourselves to others to create a baseline as to how we are going ourselves, I don't think this can be helped. However, sometimes we are so consumed with what others are doing and how their lives are going we don't stop to take check of our own and to see that while we are not doing what they are, we are doing other things.

Can I ask why is living in a shared house different to living in a house with a friend or partner, we are still sharing a house essentially with other people. The fact that you are working is wonderful, I was wondering if you actually get enjoyment from the various things that you do at work? I feel like that is far more important to have a level of enjoyment in what you are doing each day than having a big fancy role that you can't stand. Also not to mention that you do get up every day and go to work, this is sometimes not easy for some people to do.

I hear what you say in that "the majority of people have it all together", I think you will see by the number of people who are here in our community, myself included, that while it may "appear" that others "have it all together", for some of us that is not the case, and even though we have a house or a family or the things that are typical "markers of success", that is no guarantee of happiness. I think the definition of "having it all together" is so very different for us all and I am hoping today that I can perhaps show you that. See for me I would love to wake up each day with peace in my stomach and be able to go about my day without pangs of anxiety or thoughts of what could have been, without the "worry" of if I am parenting right, without the guilt of things past, so while I have the things that one would consider "having all together"...I sure dont...

I am not trying to minimize your feelings in anyway here as they are real and the things you have mentioned cause you to feel bad. We are here for you to share as much and to chat about some of the feelings you have. You ask is it worth it? the answer is absolutely and I hope we can help in making a brighter day for you.

I hope to chat some more to you ReachOut83.

Sarah

[amberlite]

Hi I just read your post and I can honestly tell you that things are Not That Bad, it just feels this way, when we are out of sorts. Comparing your self to others is a cruel mind game, and if you can, quit that before it takes root. You are a unique perfect lovely person born to this world because you are needed. If you worked where I work or you lived near by I would only thing well of you, because you count. I hope you stay on line and meet people from all types of lifestyle. I am 48yrs old woman, married 26yrs and I did not have kids, it's just how life went. It was only if I compared myself to others that I felt lacking. Why do we never compare ourselves to people worse off? I'm not saying we should, I just think comparing is a cruel mind game, best to be avoided.

[ReachOut83]

I don’t know. When I take a hard look at things, one thing I know for sure is that I’m not important. I went into a takeaway shop to order a sandwich, and people were with their friends and families. After I got my food I went to sit in the park to eat. I didn’t realise that there was a concert on. Again, I saw family and friends enjoying themselves and I do ask myself the question. Who am I important too? Nobody. During my early 20’s I’d go to concerts and shows by myself, whilst everyone was with their friends. I know now that I am not important. 

[Guest_4643]

Hi ReachOut83, welcome.

I'm 21, 22 in November. I've failed in life. I left school in year 10 (2015) because of bullying, becoming physically ill daily, etc. I haven't done anything since. I have my Ls but haven't driven at all because of anxiety etc. I haven't studied, never worked, done anything. So if anyone has failed in life, it's me. Yes I live with my parents.

You sound like you have a successful life in my eyes with a job and a family, so well done. You're not a failure at all, if anyone is, it's me.

[Sophie_M]

Hey ReachOut83,

Thanks for participating in the forums tonight.  We're sorry to hear about your negative experience at the takeaway shop. We understand how one negative thought can take us to a very dark and upsetting place. Please think of the people who care for you. We're certain they think you're important and valuable. It sounds as though it has been a very overwhelming night for you ReachOut83 and we'd love to offer our support.  Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you. We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). Please check-in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.  

[amberlite]

Hi and good to see you posting, I am glad that you get out and about and I hope you can try to stop making comparisons. I am more introvert than the average Joe and that is just how I was made. I hear people at work all the time bemoaning their family obligations. My point is, it is so easy to think we want things differently, when we are actually, as we are supposed to be. Self acceptance that's what we all need more of, Please try to understand that this dark cloud that has darkened you views will dissipate. You will get through this, you are an important part of this online support network, keep posting, keep hoping and I wish you the best.

[therising]

Hi ReachOut83

Life can definitely feel overwhelmingly challenging when we just can't seem to find anyone to really relate to. If we're single and everyone else has a partner or is a member of a family group it can feel lonely. If we're depressed and everyone around us expresses how satisfied or happy they are with life, it can feel even more depressing. Even if we're feeling a bit lost and everyone seems to have 'found themself', this can lead us to grade or degrade our self in comparison. As I say, not being able to find anyone to relate to can be overwhelmingly challenging at times, in so many ways.

I can recall toward the end of my 15 or so years of battling depression how hopeless I felt, how lonely, how messed up and how lost I felt. It wasn't until I entered into depression group therapy that I finally felt 'normal'. Here were people who could relate to how I felt. We even joked at times about how dysfunctional we all were to some degree. It was such an enormous relief to find people to relate to. Until then, I felt I had no one.

From my experience, I feel it's important to work out exactly who we want or need to relate to before we go searching for them (if we want to take up that search). Ticking people off the list of folk we don't want to relate to can be important as well. Beginning to consciously build a circle to 'go to' people can be a tough and very gradual process. That circle can involve a myriad of people. One can be a workmate you choose to simply joke with, another may be a therapist who can lead you to understand yourself the way you'd really like, another may be someone who loves adventure who'll lead you outside your comfort zone toward more excitement and the list goes on when it comes to that circle. Could you be an adventurer and you don't know it yet? I know, strange question. Imagine joining an off road cycling group or a group of people who get a buzz out of hiking. Just a couple of examples, nothing too extreme like bungee jumping or hang gliding.

The quest for self importance is an interesting quest and it can definitely be hard getting started, especially if there is a zero sense of self importance. Where to start, in this case? To start by wondering why you're here is a good start. Could you be here to make a difference. If so, how would you go about starting to make a difference, in your own life and the lives of others? What would difference look and feel like?

What excites you? Practice stretching your imagination.

🙂