How do I get out of this ditch?

[jp99]

I'm in my final year of school, but it doesn't feel like it. I can't sleep half the time, and I just feel so disconnected from everything. I'm a little sad, but mainly I just can't strive to get things done the way I used to.

Two years back pre-covid, I started taking vyvanse for ADHD, and it all kind of ties back to that moment. I lost 40 kilos, went from an extroverted socialite to an introverted loner. The transformation was not instant but the 2020 lockdown harboured and nurtured it into what it is now, or what I am now.

To be honest I don't mind the way I am, I just mind my own business and do what I need to do, but at some point earlier this year something just clicked inside my head, something that just made me numb to everything around me. I can't pinpoint a time and date, but from then up till now, I just can't function properly.

I'm in year 12, the most important year of my schooling and for some reason I skip school to sleep in, take sick days, miss classes I need to go to, barely prepare for SAC's, all while deceiving everyone around me as a person that is coping well.

And what do I do with all this amassed time? I lie in bed, blinds down and lights off.

After school? lie in bed.

On the weekends? lie in bed.

On the school holidays? lie in bed.

All i do is lie in bed. I know it's not healthy, I'm an 18 year old who gets hypertension everywhere, I want to get out and yet for some reason I can't. I thought I was just lazy at first and brushed it off, but i've come to realise that its different, in ways difficult to verbally express but is probably mutually understood between readers of this forum.

Indifference to those who can't cope with the demands of 3/4 VCE, while I find it challenging, it's not what makes me feel the way I feel or do the things I do. I will admit that while not having friends makes everything more desolate, I have become complicit with that. I just feel like everything I do lacks sincerity, despite what I set to achieve.

I want to get out of this mindset, rehabilitate my deteriorating social skills and get out of this opaque ditch that is currently my life, yet while I type this out, I know fully well how many times I've never followed through.

[therising]

Hi jp99

I feel for you so very much as you face multiple challenges in your life. Sounds like you're doing the best you can under deeply challenging circumstances, a lack of energy included by the the sound of it. Btw, I can recall doing my best under the circumstances of untreated sleep apnea and, on another occasion, severe B12 deficiency. My best involved getting out of bed to go sleep on the couch, which is all I could manage.

I'm wondering if you feel the need to have your medication looked at. Do you feel this medication has lowered your energy levels too much? It sounds like you're a naturally hyperactive person who's had the volume turned way down on those energy levels. Under basic circumstances maybe this medication might suit but, as you've explained, you're not living under basic circumstances. Managing the challenges of COVID on top of year 12 makes this a complex situation, requiring greater energy and motivation. I watched my daughter struggle through an emotional roller coaster in year 12 last year. Year 12 in Victoria was an absolute shocker last year. A decent proportion of year 12 students actually did that year unscored due to the overwhelming challenges. I believe these students don't fully recognise what champions they were under the circumstances, first time circumstances in the history of VCE.

I feel a lot of people underestimate the power of energy. As you would know, having a lot of it can make you a walking powerhouse. Not having the right channels to release it or the right management strategies to be able to channel it into focus can make such energy levels intolerable. At the other end of the scale, not having enough energy can leave you feeling numb and highly unmotivated. Someone could say 'Are you feeling excited?' to which you could easily respond 'Excited? I can't even feel my own body let alone excitement'. It can definitely feel depressing to go from feeling like a powerhouse to feeling powerless (without power/energy).

My 15yo son has an incredible amount of energy and I can tell you, with confidence, if I took that energy away from him he'd be like a completely different person. He would no longer be his natural self.

If you feel like your medication is messing with your energy levels, do you have a 'go to' parent who'd fully support you in having the med reassessed? If whoever put you on that med was to say 'Just persist with it', do you have a parent who would insist on a change and not take no for an answer?

🙂