Hope I post in the right forum!

[bonavitae]

Hey everyone,

I am not sure if it's the right forum, but here it goes.

I don't have a lot of people I can talk to about anything.

Feel empty, lost, don't know what to do anymore, like I don't know who I really am anymore and don't know where to start looking or even where to start to a degree but I guess here is a good start.

For the last 5years or so, everything has just be steadily "declining". Jumped from job to job in Sydney, either didn't suit, got fed up with management and finally terminated because I didnt follow the "sales steps" and had a more down to earth and easy going style (which received good feedback from my clients and meeting targets).

So after I was fired in late 2018, just before Covid, I had to move in with family back out in the Central West and it's been eating away at me. Since being back had another few other things happen and it feels like I just can't get anything right, and probably never will. As an example; I had gotten a job and was working full-time, with clients ringing head office and posting some pretty good reviews and feedback, but it didn't work out there either and that was about 12mths ago.

Within a few weeks of moving back in with family, my epilepsy started playing up again after 4yrs seizure free and unmedicated.

The family members I moved in with irritate the absolute (Little Brother who owns the house, his new gf who moved in a few mths ago after dating for about 3-5mths and aged mother), irritate **** out of me with everything! To add to it, I have no privacy with both my brother walking into my bedroom at anytime for a smoke and his gf occasionally following him (yes, both whilst I am in there laying down relaxing, sleeping or not in there).

I am probably being nasty because mum is in alot of pain and her health's not exactly great, but her constant moaning and groaning gets to me, amongst a few other things. She also feels the need to narrate the things she is doing or going to do, such as "I am going to have a shower and lay down" and everytime I have to hold myself back from saying, "I don't care. If you want to have a shower and lay down than do it, I dont need to know." So I am probably being nasty there.

Anyway long story short, I just don't know anymore. I fall asleep some nights with tears in my eyes wondering and wanting to just disappear, not dead just alone.

Any advice on where to start?

[tranzcrybe]

Ah, thank you - a little more clarity here...
Two comments you made:

"and I would get the 'my house, you don't pay board, you don't like, it get out'. Its bad when your own little brother (36 vs 33) scares you!"
versus -
"it was 'the my house my rules' with dad and kicked both of us out when I was about 15"

- Has brother actually said this to you, or is this an irrational fear derived from the trauma of your father tossing you out? How did your brother handle this at the time?

You have cared for your mother since 15? Has she been with you throughout your career? Your dad had no such authority to throw either of you out - you being a minor, and mother as an equal in the relationship. You have endured much hardship over the years and it sounds like it has taken its toll on you.

I guess "her" refers to brother's girlfriend. Without (or even with) your brother present, that could make things uncomfortable for you, huh?
Maybe a quiet chat with brother would help clear the air and give you more personal space.
If not, as a subtle hint that you want privacy, placing a chair under the door handle will prevent entry while you are in the room.
Alternatively, you might consider having a wander into brother & girlfriend's room at inopportune moments to see if the feeling is mutually reciprocated... 😉

[geoff]

Hello Bonavitae, a lot has been said so I'll try not to repeat it again.

You could say to your brother that you want to put a lock on the door for personal reasons, that's a fair request, however, they may not accept this, especially if you have epilepsy and may need to help you if a seizure begins.

I only say this because I'm also an epileptic and all my seizures have been when I'm by myself and have no idea when it starts to the time it's over, but know the damage I've caused, but perhaps you could put a front door chain on where anybody can't come in when the door is open or perhaps get a 'stop the door from opening' from a hardware store, then they can't come in.

With old age, people tend to repeat themselves and instead of talking to themselves it develops as talking out aloud, but it's also done to reassure them that their carer knows what they're doing, rather than opening the front door and then going wandering where nobody knows where they are, that's why they need a carer.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[bonavitae]

Sorry I am a bit all over the place and find it hard to verbalise some things.

Yeah, my brother has said this a few times and this is hard to bring up but there have been times he's been violent.

No, I have only been mums carer for the last 4years or so. I was 15 when he kick us out with a few lovely words, which I won't put in. Little Brother stayed with Dad. So it was me and mum for a long time.

Yeah it does refer to his gf and my brother is not a quiet word type guy.

Haha I have considered it, believe me. Walk it at like 2am "sleepwalking" or experiencing an aura, but it would make me would make me just as bad.

[Sophie_M]

Hi bonavitae,

It sounds like there's been some really dificult moments in the past, and we can imagine that would impact how you're feeling now. We’re really glad you had the strength and bravery to share this here. We hope the amazing words from our community bring you some comfort.

It sounds like it could be really helpful to have a chat with one of the lovely people at 1800Respect to discuss the violent behaviour, and to make sure you feel safe following this. They're on 1800 737 732, or you can reach them on online chat, here.  There’s always the Beyond Blue counsellors also, on 1300 22 4636 or online, here.

Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[tranzcrybe]

Hey, don't worry about that - it's hard to get your thoughts in order with all that's going on.
So, the family was divided which means brother may have 'inherited' some of your dad's characteristics/beliefs along with his own struggle to reconcile the upheaval - harbored resentment over the years may now be aimed at you (how is he with mother?).

If you feel intimidated, it might be worth finding another place - his refusal to accept board puts you at a disadvantage, possibly as an excuse to be controlling/demanding.

Is mother needing higher care or just the usual niggles of old age? You can have an ACAT assessment to ensure she receives the support she needs. This could take some pressure off you as I am well aware of 'carer fatigue'.

On some level, you might be unreasonable as you have a secure place to stay; and feeling deflated when caring for elderly parents is not being an arsehole. However, it's still a high price you are paying if being forced to endure disrespectful and invasive behaviour aimed at making some point about who is the 'superior' sibling - it sounds a bit toxic, frankly.

Although you know better than I, it might be time to have these issues out in the open with brother - maybe a family discussion for civility - where you can acknowledge past mistakes, restore the balance and move on with some confidence. I'm sure there are many confused emotions needing resolution and a clean slate could signal more openness and understanding into the future.

[Stui]

Hi bonavitae,

It sounds as though your going through a tough time, it takes courage to reach out so I'm glad you have had the strength to do it. Old people can be a serious annoyance, I know I am one! and I live alone so I talk to myself saying things such as, "What will I have for dinner?", or "Better get to the shops", its a bit of a self narrative but with me there is no one to hear it I can understand how it would annoy others, also she maybe looking to be valued. You are entitled to your privacy and maybe a chat with the others in the house could solve it.

I understand the Epilepsy I have Epilepsy myself what used to be referred to as Grand Mal, I think the name has changed now, it is a cause for concern and given the fact that your sleep is being disturbed it may be contributing to it's return I know it affects mine.

Your not alone even if you feel you are their are always people here happy to talk to you, every day the first day of the rest of your life try to find something in nature to enjoy.