History repeating itself...

[Guest_9122]

Forum noob here, but not new to depression. Nearly 40 female, adult diagnosed aspie, outcast even among my own people. Unemployable but unable to get DSP or NDIS. Each fortnight I get to choose between eating well and having no fun in my life, or eating cardboard and doing cool things. Nearly all my many past relationships ended because I got left behind or forgotten, to the point where I no longer have faith that I'm wanted by anyone. My confidence in my own worthlessness combined with near constant life stress means I have zero ability to tolerate stress or regulate my emotions. Frequently not being listened to led to a form of selective mutism, so even just typing this is a supreme act of will. Part time identity issues from a lifetime of camoflaging. Many previous attempts at psych have failed.

Currently learning old life lessons all over again because apparently I let my guard down. I fell in love with an amazing man who gave me everything I wanted, we had two glorious months before it all went to hell. I became homeless at the same time as his housemate forced an emergency move on him. He ended up in the worst of shared rentals while I couch surfed. Covid happened, and we have pretty much been struggling to catch up for a year now. I managed to find a place with a well meaning but lazy housemate, where I'm pretty much the non willing caretaker figure.

I happily volunteered to help partner hide some very expensive stuff from his alcoholic housemate, but after recent nearby floods I won't be doing so again. Long story short, his unreasonable demands would have left both me and my space damaged for no reason. I almost injured myself doing pointless tasks to reassure him, but nothing I or the experts said/did would ever be enough. Even after the floods are over, he still thinks that I put his life savings in danger.

This isn't the first time communication failed, but we got help and I thought we were doing so well. He has agreed to see the counsellor again but thats ten days away. I love the bits out of him and hope we can get back what we lost. I have given him so much patience and support because of our circumstances, including the lack of sex life, despite it wreaking havoc on my headspace. My trust is in tatters again and the fortress walls are getting bigger. I can't talk to anyone I know.

[Sophie_M]

Hi IllidariOutcast,

We can hear it was really difficult to come here and post, and we're really grateful you did so as it can be a really powerful step towards feeling better. We can hear it's been really hard for you to tell your story, but please know that you're in a really safe space for doing so here, with a lovely community of kind and understanding people.

It sounds like it's really having an impact on how you're feeling day to day, so please know that there’s always someone here for you to talk it through with. The Beyond Blue counsellors are available 24/7 online, here. If using the phone would be difficult for you, you can reach them via webchat or email.

We’re sure we’ll hear from our lovely, supportive community soon. In the meantime, here’s a few things you might like to look at:

• Blue Knot’s advice on self-care for survivors of trauma and abuse

• 1800 RESPECT’s advice on healthy relationships
• Relationships Australia’s advice on communication in relationships
• It's really important to be kind to yourself through this, so there's some tips for practicing self-care here.

We are here to support you and you are not alone. Thank you so much for sharing here. Please feel free to share a bit more and let us know what is going on for you, and what might help, if you feel comfortable.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Isabella_]

Hey there,

A big warm welcome to the forums. As you've mentioned.. Not being listened to and experiencing selective mutism - I can see that writing this out and opening up on here mustn't have been easy for you, and I'm really grateful that you've been able to be so vulnerable and express yourself so authentically here. I hope you can consider this a safe space where you're listened to and heard free of judgement. We just want to hear you and support where we can.

Some people come to the forums just to vent and be heard, for advice, to connect with people going through similar things.. I'm curious, what brought you to share on the forums and what do you hope to get out of it?

It sounds like you've had a really hard time trusting, feeling connected, listened to, and confident with people to the point where it's affecting your relationships and happiness.. You've been under a lot of stress in many facets of your life from late diagnosis, depression, your relationship, heartbreak, homelessness, finances, self esteem, the affects of Covid.. That is a whole lot to deal with, all the while not being able to talk about it with anyone.

It sounds like you've compromised your safety for your partner and his unreasonable demands of you.. And he still puts blame on you for not following through and putting his things in danger. Do you find yourself compromising for him often and doing things you don't want to do for him? Does he compromise in the same way as you do?

I can see you really want to get back what you have with your partner which is great, and it's amazing that he's willing to go see the counsellor again. I think it's completely reasonable based on what you've been through that you're struggling to have trust in him and this situation.. Do you find that your trust issues are causing you a lot of stress at the moment?

I hope the links that Sophie provided are helpful for you to check out. It sounds like you're in need of some help with employment or qualifying for NDIS/DSP.. Would you be interested in some information about this that may be helpful for you to check out?

I hope you're feeling okay, I'd love to hear from you.

[Guest_9122]

I honestly have no idea what I hoped or or expected when I posted this. I guess I just needed to vent to someone, clarify my thoughts and mentally prepare for the counsellor. Problem is that it's hard to accurately convey meaning in a single character limited post, so lots of relevant details got skimmed over. Still easier than speaking about it though.

I have permanant shoulder injuries which mean that I struggle to lift things. I try to push past it and sometimes don't notice that I'm hurting myself until it's too late. And because I hate being dependant on others for simple things. I do take responsibility for misjudging my own capacity. He is ex army with his own share of psych and physical injuries. So we both require special handling to some degree. Yes I make compromises for him, but he does for me just as often.

I learned a while ago that trusting people is a good way to get hurt, and it takes very little to reinforce this and trigger depressive episodes. I am also a slight people pleaser, the closer I get to someone the harder it is for me to say anything that I think will upset them. This makes it very hard for anyone to be with me, so it means a lot to me that he wants to stay with me. I wish I could be different but it's kinda hard to trust when everyday the chaos provides new reasons not to.

Re employment, DSP etc. I'm pretty much unable to hold down a job without burning out and it's not fair to expect anyone to take such a big risk on me. Centrelink does not consider that my collection of issues is enough for DSP approval so I have been stuck as a disability job seeker for the last 7+ years. I was working on a self employment gig but that's been put on indefinite hold due to stress and depression levels affecting my ability to function.

No need for replies, I know that there isn't really much that can come out of this post other than maybe someone else gets some comfort from it. Thats not me being defeatist, just knowing that options have already been explored.