Hi. Just introducing myself.

[danmath]

I'm 53 years old.  Struggled with depression for most of my life. 

I think I'm suffering burnout - not necessarily work related. I'm an introvert and I think l experience things differently to most people. I have been, however, good at social/ interpersonal interactions. But it's a mask to help me function day to day. Something I learned over time. I have a pretty strong sense of wrong and right and I have empathy but there's something missing.  Functioning is extremely exhausting and it has gotten to the stage that my life is falling apart.

• I've got a family. Marriage broke down due to intimacy issues a few years ago - i'm pretty aromantic and asexual. We're still good friends. Taking time off work because I'm not coping there  - left a mess of paper work  and my productivity was waning. I feel depressed and hopless. I can't go back to my day to day life because I know I'll just fall apart again. It's the first fine in a long time that I've dropped the mask. To be honest I'm not sure who I am. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi danmath,

We are so glad that you've taken a big step in sharing here. We hope you find some comfort in sharing here, and in hearing from the lovely community members, many of whom will be able to relate to what you’ve been through.  

If you ever want to talk this through with one of the Beyond Blue counsellors, feel free to give us a call on 1300 22 4636, or reach out through Online Chat here.  

Thank you for sharing this and giving this community a chance to offer you their understanding and advice. We’re here to listen and offer support, and you never know how your story might help someone else.  

Kind regards,  

Sophie M 

[therising]

Hi danmath

I feel so much for you as you face this incredibly challenging time in your life, a time that has led you to seriously begin wondering about who you are.

Personally, I thought I knew who I was for so many years until I eventually came to realise the idea of who I was or most of my beliefs about who I was could not be further from the truth. A number of factors began to push me into a serious state of wonder. The thing about wonder is it begins to open your mind. Then if you throw the word 'natural' or 'naturally' into the mix it begins to become interesting and quite revealing.

• 'I am so exhausted. What's wrong with me?' becomes 'I am naturally exhausted based on..'
• 'I'm an introvert' becomes 'I am a natural introvert for good reason. I've developed social skills when it comes to managing my nature. I am proud to be a skillful introvert'
• 'I am a naturally driven person yet do not feel that drive as a 'sex drive'. Some people choose lifestyles where sex is not a factor, based on them using such an intense drive for other things. It's a style of life or 'lifestyle' based on how I define the drive
• Some folk are natural empaths. They feel so much for people to the point where it can become exhausting. They can feel people's sadness, their stress/anxiety, their confusion, their despair. Without the ability to emotionally detach or 'turn the volume down' on what can be felt, feeling everything all the time can become too much

I found 'I don't know who I am' and 'I don't know who I naturally am' to be 2 different things. I am naturally someone who can feel what's depressing, which explains why I've been able to do this on so many different occasions in my life. This feeling has led me to address a serious B12 deficiency, sleep apnea, a failing marriage, the kind of loss that needs to be explored with miscarriage, some depressing outdated beliefs that weren't even mine to begin with, some seriously depressing dietary and lifestyle choices and a number of other things, including a depressing lack of energy. If I never felt the depressing nature of all those things, I would never have seriously addressed any of them until I reached the point of complete dysfunction.

To be a natural feeler comes with so many challenges.