Here I Am Again...

[fifithebunni]

It sneaks up on you, in such a way you're kind of used to it. And then you come to a point where you want to cry so badly but you're numb, and you want to hurt yourself to externalise the pain.

I guess I have a lot to be grateful for. I'm blessed with an awesome kid with whom I have a great relationship. I've got a home and I don't need to worry about being kicked out by the landlord etc .

But, this feeling of failing and hopelessness is so overwhelming I'm physically weakened by it. I despair at how I'm not able to provide my son the opportunities that I think he deserves. He is such a smart and special child. I'm deeply ashamed that he sees me in the state of weakness and he worries about me and wants to help.

My biggest embarrassment is my work/job situation. I simply don't know how to break out and improve my earning capacity. I stare at my CV and don't know how to sell myself. I suppose my confidence is just completely shattered. Have been doing 2 jobs over the last few years, and neither brings good money or growth. And yet I have no real prospect of doing something completely different. If you ask me what I have passion for, I don't even know what it's like to have passion for anything. I think I'm so sick and tired of myself asking the same questions over and over again, and never have had clarity and sense of direction. I feel I'm eternally lost and stuck in the void.

I am mostly happy to be by myself, I guess I do still love life. And yet there are moments I so crave to have someone to confide to, someone to bounce ideas off, someone to laugh with, or simply someone to give me a cuddle. I don't even know where to begin in finding that special someone. Tried online dating, seasons come seasons go. As much as I can approach it with good humour, open mind and general compassion, I find it harder and harder to not be cynical.

I always believe that life in itself is the most previous thing and worth living. But this pain, numbness, sense of despair and hopelessness is hard to shake off. Is it simply somethings one should learn to live with? Stoicism?

I guess I still dream of shining my light in some way. I just don't know what that way is, and worry that the flickering is getting too dim.

[smallwolf]

hi fifithebunni,

It is frustrating when you feel that your job is not giving you what you wanted or any satisfaction. And it appears you son is also concerned for you. welcome to beyond blue - I hope you would feel supported and not judged while you are here.

You mentioned doing 2 jobs - is that at the same time?

Do you like your job(s)?

I don't know what sort of job or industry you are in and wondering if you could talk with your supervisor or manager about other roles? or pay rise?

Perhaps you could tell me a little about what you do?

If you were looking for a change...

I work in IT as a software developer. Because of some thing I want(ed) out of IT and applied for a parish admin job - it is a stepping stone to other changes. I signed onto a professional resume service (less than the cost of a CD) to write my CV for me. I had to fill out certain details and it helped select the right words to sell me. My wife also used the same service for herself. So if you were looking for some sort of change this could be an option.

I see from your post you tried a few things. What sort of things are you interested in?

I have probably bombarded you with too many questions. You could bounce ideas here, confide in people here, however could not give you cuddle (except virtually). Please know I will respond, and I hope you come back to share more of your story.

Tim

[fifithebunni]

Hi Tim,

Thank you so much for your reply. I was here a lot when I was struggling with my previous marriage. The very existence of such a forum and people like you in our society is enough reason to not give up hope.

To answer your questions, I have been doing 2 jobs at the same time since I left my marriage 6 years ago. One in a small retail business on a 3 day shift, one as a sole trader providing immigration assistance. The retail job is stress-free. Apart from one particular physical task I dread doing everyday, I'm comfortable with it. If I take on a full-time shift, I earn a below average income, and due to the nature of the business, I don't see how this can get better in the foreseeable future. I can still get-by and keep my child fed if I manage my finances very carefully, but that's about it. And I am terrible at managing my finances.

My sole trader business I almost get no joy doing it mainly because I don't have what it takes to make it work, as a one man show. The area of migration law is ever changing and stressful enough, and not having peer support makes it desperately difficult. I always feel inadequate and unsure, and therefore I struggle to retain the existing clients, let alone going out selling. The reason I am still renewing my registration every year is because I do still have a few cases trickling along, the types of cases that take a few years to run the course. In my mind if I stop renewing my registration and hand over these clients, it'll mean the ultimate failure of a 10+ year attempt at this profession.

Qualification wise, I have a bachelor's degree in English from China. I completed a Diploma in legal Services with TAFE in 2017, thinking I might have a chance to get a job as a legal assistant/secretary in a law firm. It didn't happen, and now I've lost the enthusiasm.

Overall, I just feel completely deflated, left behind, and lost. I like creative things, art, music and the likes, but think it's foolish to believe that's the area to go when I'm a 40 year old single parent, especially when I'm not trained or have experience in any of these areas.

I have a very small social circle, and even this I'm failing to maintain. I feel extremely alone on many topics, politics, social issues, religion etc, and I find it harder and harder to engage in chit-chat, so I pull away from my friends because of this. Fake it till you make it they say. But it's far from fulfilling, and I feel I'm an island.

[smallwolf]

I am going to throw around a few ideas if that is ok with you...

could you talk to the people at the TAFE (preferably your lecturers) and find out where you might be able to find sort of peer support. Your feeling of not being good enough maybe related to this and the lack of feedback, and from your post it sounds like you constantly question yourself.

I also did a quick search with Google in Australia re qualifications for the position you were looking for and it sounds like you meet the qualifications according to seek.com.au. What is causing the loss of interest of enthusiasm in looking?

On being the 40 old single parent - sorry about my poor choice in wording. What would you like to do? What interests you work wise? I work in IT. I also doing a Dip in Counselling. I am going to be 50 this year. Going from one extreme to the other. Change is possible at any age - I hope. I have my reasons for changing.

Do you feel as though you are stuck?

If you wanted to change career say to legal secretary and some positives -

• your retail experience shows you can interact well with people.
• good salesperson?
• listen to customers
• (legal role) you care about people
• empathy
• want to make a positive difference in peoples lives
• computer skills?
• good writing skills
• etc

On politics etc - I am far behind also. I don't really the news etc presently as it is still mostly Covid driven. The chit-chat is mostly what you did since we last saw each other.

I know this reply probably sounds like I am try to persuade you of the opportunities and telling you do this or that. I also know what it is like when you feel worthless and a failure. What I needed was someone to talk to and for me that was a psychologist. Bounce your ideas off me. Talk to me here? I'm listening.

Tim

[fifithebunni]

Thank you Tim.

I think in reality a lot of the roles I applied for were really open to fresh law graduates or people with work experience in a law firm. I didn't have any competitive edge. I suppose I could have kept trying, if I was really determined. My TAFE teacher encouraged me to study law, and I enrolled in LPAB with USYD, however I pulled out of it, because I felt I couldn't commit to it without tossing my life upside down for 6 years. I stopped searching because of the lack of response, then I was side-tracked by other opportunities to do more migration work. Then life took over, I took my son on several holidays, I got distracted online dating etc. Then before you know it we're here mid-way through another year.

You mentioned a Resume service that you found helpful. If you're not allowed to specify which service you used, are you able to suggest what key word I could use to google search?

I think I'm just not very organised and disciplined by nature. Spontaneity rules my life. It's not to say that I can't get things done, but I think I've gotten used to having the flexibility and 'freedom', I have doubts as to whether I'm able to cope with what I'm wishing for (eg a high-pressure 9-5 job).

I think it's great that you've found your passion and have the conviction to go for it. In these instances I wish I had a good partner that I could talk about these things with, and feel emotionally back-up. I think I'm just not really a very driven and ambitious person, and have felt the need to somehow live up to those expectations.

I used to see a psychologist on and off for a few years. Now I can't afford to, and also I think I've gotten 'therapy-resistant' in a way.

I'm struggling a little bit with home schooling too. What I've observed in google classroom has caused me a great deal of anxiety and stress. I worry that I've been complacent or even mis-guided to think that my son is a smart child, and I 'free-ranged' him for too long, and now he's not performing as well as he could due to my lack of diligence. I think most of the time it's just me and him, and I don't really get any feedback from other adults or kids about him. I worry I'm blinded by my own affection of him, that I'm not seeing what needs to be corrected.

This also leads to another issue which is my limited social circle. This could be a separate reply.

I'm sorry if I rambled on, thank you for listening Tim.